Giving Thanks

Kevin asked me yesterday, in a brief round of texting-truth-or-dare, what my biggest dream is.

"I don't know," I said. "I'm already getting most of them."

He laughed.

I insisted. "No, seriously! I'm going to Europe next summer. I'm graduating. This really great guy thinks it's awesome that he can make me smile without really trying."

Although my first thought was to worry that I'm running out of ambitions, but given the season, I'll take a more optimistic view. When did my life get so awesome that I started running out of things to hope for? And furthermore, how on earth did I miss that??

I've had a wonderful week or two, full of moments when I have realized just how good Heavenly Father is to me. The gospel of Jesus Christ is true. Joseph Smith was a prophet. The scriptures are the word of God. And Heavenly Father loves me.

I have always wanted to travel. Always. I just never thought I'd be cool enough to do it. That's all changing this summer. That's right, friends: my application to go on the British Literary Pilgrimage has been officially ACCEPTED. There's a lot of work ahead of me, like getting my passport, figuring out the academic part of my trip, and getting my student loans finalized. But STILL. I'M GOING.

God is good. The end.

Integrity and Humility in Résumés

In the name of “marketing ourselves” on our résumés, we are often tempted to present our strengths as greater than they are. We oversimplify the situation and ask “to market?” or “not to market?”, seeking an obvious answer that provides justification for inflating our abilities. But this internal sic et non disregards an essential quandary: will our guiding principle be integrity, or merely persuasiveness?

 When we overlook this question, it is not inevitably because we are morally corrupt people. In reality, we tend to ignore it because we are afraid—afraid that others will notice that our weaknesses exist, afraid that those weaknesses will be perceived as so great that our skills will be discounted. In short, we fear that who we really are is not enough to persuade an employer to hire us. The temptation to disguise and deceive proves most appealing when we do not trust others to witness our shortcomings with a merciful eye. We forget that others, like us, are weak, and assume that they exemplify every strength that we wish we had, except for one: the capacity to forgive.

However, C. S. Lewis suggests in The Screwtape Letters that we ought to give ourselves the same approbation we would give to others for comparable greatness. When we do so, we both recognize our own worth and also see how indispensably others have contributed to it. The opportunities that demonstrate we are valuable people are not of our creation; they are given to us by others. Our power only extends to our ability to collect the courage we need in order to receive the opportunities they offer. When we do so without resisting the forgiveness of others, or concealing our weaknesses, we discover that we are “magnified”. Our weaknesses do not fade into the background, but rather our potential employers can at last see us “up close”, swarming with strengths so potent that few (even ourselves) have ever observed anything like it. In light of these unforeseen abilities, there is essentially nothing to forgive.

Yes, a detailed, honest view of who we are is frightening to put forward. Unlike fiction, there is no safe place in writing résumés. There are no pseudonyms offering concealment, no images to symbolize lingering emotional aches. All we have is who we are, but on closer inspection, we finally find that this is enough. When we truly understand that we have the capacity to exceed expectations and not just meet them, we have the freedom to be honest regarding our shortcomings. In order to have the courage to be humble, we must first display our inherent power to achieve.

Plane pictures :)

This is the plane I rode on with my bishop's wife, Teri. (That's her in the picture, picking up one end of the plane. It was TINY!)

This is me on the plane. (Notice the big smile.)

And this is the view from the plane. (Now you see the reason for the big smile!)

"You want to be happy. There are more important things to do."

Isn't it interesting how the most confident, charming people you know are also the ones who most need reassurance?

In my Theories of Personality class, we just finished our unit on Carl Jung. What fascinated me most about Jung's theories is his concept of the Ego and the Shadow. The Ego is what we consciously recognize about ourselves -- often, how we define ourselves. The Shadow, on the other hand, is what we are, but only subconsciously. When traits are very strongly in the Ego, that usually means that the opposing trait is very strongly in the Shadow as well. People are made up of both Ego AND Shadow, and Jung theorized that when we stand between the two and make our choices, recognizing the pull of the other side, we are most psychologically healthy.

A brief example, just for understanding: A guy goes to a hockey game and in a dispute related to nothing more monumental than the game, kills another man. He never recognized the Shadow -- his ability to kill someone else -- and so the choice not to act on the Shadow impulse never came up until it was too late.

That said, the Shadow isn't necessarily bad. For example, a few of years ago, my Ego was a shy, reserved, quiet girl; my Shadow was a gregarious goofball. Somewhere along the way, the two have switched. On the inside, I AM a shy, hesitant person. I am! You'd never know that looking from the outside in, however, and I recognize that.

This leads me to the true point of this post...that perhaps the people whose company I crave, the people who are so clearly chatty and energetic, may also be the people who most need me to show them that I love them. In the same way that I am not so healthy, happy, and fulfilled as I may seem, perhaps my friends who seem to have it all figured out really don't.

This, then, is an invitation for me to take care of them, even when it doesn't seem like they're the ones who need to be taken care of. I'm best at pretending not to need help when I most want it; why would I assume that they're different?

It's also an invitation for me to think before I whine. I have lately wished that the men in my life were more consistent. Sometimes I feel like I'm riding a swing set, where "to" is when they are affectionate, attentive, and sweet, and "fro" is when I feel ignored, overlooked, and disconnected.

"I'm so mad at -----," I told Natalie recently. "He won't stop being nice to me!"

"How dare he!" Natalie quipped, trying not to roll her eyes. "Kick him in the shins!"

Of course I don't actually mind when men are nice to me. What bothers me in the inconsistency...that I enjoy the over-the-top niceness, but then I have to deal with being ignored. I'd much rather someone was moderately nice to me all the time.

But, as I also learned in my Personality class, there are more important things than being happy, such as (according to Adler) helping other people. I should probably stop worrying so much about how inconsistent other people are, and start taking a risk by being a consistent person for other people. The stress in our lives only exists when we consider it stressful...so maybe I should consider other people, and not think much of my stress at all.

Food for thought.

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Hearing: Jennifer, talking about monthly Girls Night! :)
Feeling: wondering if I can actually do what I've just blogged about actually

Honesty and Obstacles to Education: English 495 Senior Writing Seminar Assignment

Metaphor of the Day: Homework is like brushing your teeth. Kind of annoying, especially when you'd much rather go straight to bed...but let's face it. It's essential.

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"Another reason people don’t use their real voice is that it means having feelings and memories they would rather not have. When you write in your real voice, it often brings tears or shaking – though laughter too. Using real voice may even mean finding you believe things you don’t wish to believe. For all these reasons, you need to write for no audience and to write for an audience that’s safe. And you need faith in yourself that you will gradually sort things out and that it doesn’t matter if it takes time." (Peter Elbow, "How to Get Power through Voice")

My understanding of this assignment was that we were to discover what our core obstacle was to getting an education, and discuss it with full honesty. I’ve struggled with this assignment. I know what my core obstacle is...I just don’t want to talk about it. So after missing several deadlines, I met with Brother Ward and frankly told him that he didn’t know what he was asking of me. I survive by compartmentalizing my emotions; I succeed academically by removing my heart. Honesty is a hard thing to commit to, regardless of the venue.

Palmer states, “The goal of a knowledge arising from love is the reunification and reconstruction of broken selves and worlds.” That would be really, really nice – and I think, or hope, that it’s true. As I have learned more about myself – through professional counseling; wise, genuine friends; and an aching, downtrodden reach toward my Savior – I have learned the power of honestly acknowledging shortcomings.

Sometimes these shortcomings are our fault – sometimes not. That is not the point. We must confess the deficiencies that make up so much of our characters, so that the Savior can change our characters. “Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans. It is this: The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves you,” states Murray. As we have discussed in class, we must deeply understand the problem before the truth of the solution will become compelling.

I cried as I sat in Brother Ward’s office, while in the act of explaining that I intentionally muffle my emotions. On one hand, I did so because I was frustrated with my failure. But on the other hand, I cried because it felt so good to look the truth in the eye and confess that I was simply not up to the challenge. Individually, we don’t have to be up to the challenge of our own emotional disconnection, in our educations or otherwise. All we have to do, at least to get started, is to acknowledge that our disconnection exists, and ask for help.

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Hearing: let's see how far we've come / let's see how far we've come
Feeling: a little overwhelmed, but OK

Now

Metaphor of the Day: Dancing is like the rain. There's no being good at it --there's just loving it and letting it come.

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Every now and then, I realize how much of my life I've already lived. I have had so many good things happen in my life. I LOVE college. But all of these moments...I'm not ever going to have them back. I'm never going to have Fall '08 (the Zion semester) ever again. I'll never have the experience of learning to lindy-hop again. Or my 21st birthday. Or Cindy's wedding.

Why on earth do we live our lives, unwilling to take risks? This is all we have! There is SO much to love...why would we ever waste our time on something we only liked, or someone who didn't love us in return?

So, here's a promise I make to myself for when I'm 45 and my children are just beginning to really live their lives: I will have lived my life too. Especially because I suspect (well, hope) that it's only going to get better from here.

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Hearing: swing music. I love this stuff.
Feeling: weekendish

opportunity

Metaphor of the Day: Being honest when you don't want to is like wearing flip-flops in the snow. It seems fun for a minute, and maybe you even pretend it's more fun than it is. But, in the end, it's neither practical or comfortable.

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I have been praying very carefully lately:

Father, please, if an opportunity comes, help me to act on it. And Father...if an opportunity never comes...help me to be OK with it.

Sometimes, I have a hard time being honest with God. Cognitively, I know how crazy that is -- He's God, He knows everything anyway! Feeling that is another matter, of course, but I'm trying.

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Hearing: hairdryer
Feeling: a little rushed...

Plan B

Metaphor of the Day: Following the Lord's plan / timing is like getting your second choice of unlabeled chocolate, and then finding out it was your favorite after all.

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I believe in finding happiness in plan B.

This is a very recent development. So many of my prayers are whiny because I'm not getting what I had in mind. But I'm starting to realize that the choice typically isn't "what I want" vs. "what I don't want"...the choice is often between being disappointed, and being happy with reality.

Example: last night, my crowd went to Acoustic Cafe, to be supportive of Natalie (who was one of the people in charge) and hear some fun music. Afterwards, I was faced with two options: go to ballroom dancing with Tim and Glen, or go to Snow Shack with Natalie and some of her friends, who I don't really know. I wanted to hang out with T&G, but not at ballroom. I wanted to go to Snow Shack, but not with people I didn't know.

In the end I went with Natalie (I like her better anyway ;) ) and had a fantastic time! Casey and his roommate Bryce were fun and talkative and didn't think it was weird that we wanted to chill at the park, and then wander around the student gallery of the art building. I love hanging out with men! They're so chill.

At any rate, I had a great time regardless of the fact that in a way, it wasn't what I wanted. This is a metaphor for my life, I think. I'd like to learn to roll with the punches a little better. :)

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Hearing: Natalie and Snow Patrol
Feeling: sunshiny

The End

Metaphor of the Day: Living your life one day at a time is like choosing to be executed by drowning in chocolate. You just gotta enjoy it while it lasts, man.

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Summer Session is coming to a close. Although classes do not start until Thursday, roommates will begin to arrive on Monday. I couldn't be more excited to see Natalie and Chelsea and Rio and Jennifer, and get to know our new roommate (Callie?)...not to mention all of the fabulous neighbors that will be back in town. But at the same time, I wish summer would never end.

Seven weeks ago, I knew I desperately needed to rejuvenate. I intentionally didn't set any goals...I was going to play hard and love hard and take things one day at a time. (Yes, those sound a lot like goals, but they're so different from my typical stress-inducing ones that nonetheless, they are un-goals in my head.) I don't know how well I've done with any of that, but I do think I am ready to go back to school-life with a new perspective on this strange thing we call life.

Taking life moment-by-moment is still the way to go, especially because sometimes being sad and being happy are the same thing.

Classes are not what life is all about. It's about those moments when you know you're home.

Love is scary, and a lot of work, but if anything is worth feeling like a cold, lonely miner tapping away at the rock with a little pickax, looking for something to keep -- this is it.

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Hearing: the dishwasher and the air conditioner. Profound, no?
Feeling: A little lonesome, but mostly just enjoying the time to reflect

Getting the Glow

Metaphor of the Day: Women are like sunflowers -- they reflect the brightness that they follow.

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Lately, I've been considering the influence of women for good in the lives of those who surround them. I'm essentially receiving a scholarship based on my ability to be a good example. I taught Relief Society recently and we talked about, well, Relief Society. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it is to love people for exactly who they are, weaknesses and all. The cover story of the most recent Ensign (September issue, actually) is a article from President Uchtdorf on -- get this -- The Influence of Righteous Women. Needless to say, it's been pretty constantly on my mind.

I think what really sealed the deal was an observation from a friend of mine. He basically said that a lot of girls are pretty, and nice, but with the really quality ones that he would actually date, there has to be something extra...something that has nothing to do with attraction and everything to do with how in tune she is with the Spirit. Christ's-image-in-her-countenance kind of thing.

At first, I thought this statement was simply to his credit -- that he's looking for a girl with that "something extra" that means she will be an excellent mother in Zion. But then I realized: his statement could also be to my discredit, if I don't measure up. He's far too sweet to criticize me, so I know he didn't mean it like that, but still, it made me wonder. Do I have that glow? Can people -- worthy priesthood holders included -- tell just by looking at me that I deeply love the Savior?

I suspect not. There's so much more I could be doing to bring the Spirit into my life. Once upon a time, I read my scriptures and wrote in my journal every single day. I worked really hard to build that habit, but where is it now? Things like that. My life is off-center, so to speak.

So, in an effort to recenter my life on the Savior, I spent some time today brainstorming what I can do to be better...

Daily
Study the scriptures
Pray always, with sincerity
Meditate
Write in my journal, especially with gratitude
Go for a walk -- be outside -- find God in nature. (Very transcendentalist, I know.)
Sing / listen to excellent music
Serve! There's a thousand little ways to do it; I just need to be alert.
Keep my apartment clean. You'd be amazed how much it helps!
Exercise. Just something small every day -- enough that I can get to sleep at night!

Weekly
Go to the temple
Prepare for Sundays by reading the lesson, etc.
Create something -- write or something. Just allow God to show me what it's like to be Him.

Generally
Ask Heavenly Father tough questions -- "what do I need to change?" etc. Ask for forgiveness.
Silence what I want because of a need to know what He wants. Stop whining!


Here's the thing though. To quote the aforementioned article from President Uchtdorf, "I invite you to rise to the great potential within you. But don't reach beyond your capacity. Don't set your goals beyond your capacity to achieve. Don't feel guilty or dwell on thoughts of failure. ...Do the best you can, and the Lord will provide the rest."

In other words, I may know that my ideal day involves an hour of reading the scriptures and my ideal week involves going to the temple 3 or 4 times ... but I also know that it ain't gonna happen any time soon. With this in mind, I'm contemplating some realistic goals for "getting the glow". Some things are naturally going to be easier than others, and don't seem like such a stretch to picture in the normal course of my life.

There's only 18 days left of the 7 week break (I'm not used to calling it Summer Session yet.) I promised myself I would take this break one day at a time and I think I've done a pretty good job of that. But I also think I need to take that idea to the next level and bring Jesus Christ deeper into my life one day at a time -- instead of just sitting around thinking about it.

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Hearing: really old EFY music. Like, '97.
Feeling: chastened, but determined