It's ironic: the best word to describe my state of being, now that noise is allowed back in my life, is "quiet." It's a deep contentment, a peaceful watchfulness. I'm loving it.
My scope for radio silence was so small at the outset, compared to where it ended up. "Father in Heaven, will Chris and I just be wasting our time if we keep dating?" I really grappled with that question. Each day, I had new tears and a different opinion, and each day, I deeply questioned any peace I thought I'd found. There just seemed to be so much static, so much information to try to work with and reconcile. Then, on Wednesday, I had a new thought.
And it changed everything.
The fact of the matter is, no matter what situation I am in, I have a responsibility to be as Christlike as possible. I realized that the troubling situation Chris and I were in, the one that lead me to this week's question, was partially my fault.
For years, I've had an underlying belief that is so completely false. Regardless, I've believed it, and lived by it, and I think it's undermined every dating experience I've ever had. The gist? That I have to give love unconditionally in order to receive any love at all.
The biggest repercussion of this idea, for me at least, is that I've accepted worse treatment than I deserve (to varying degrees.) I've loved with an element of desperation. I've lived beneath my privileges. I've been insecure. In short, I have not been as Christlike as I ought to be.
But no more. I get to be a different person now, even though all I asked for was help in figuring out my relationship status. God is so good. This new insight has taken so much of the urgency out of my approach to dating, and replaced it with a sense of peace. I wasn't sure that would ever happen...but I have finally made significant progress.
When I talked to Chris today, I offered to keep trying, because maybe this realization was what needed to change for us. In the end, he declined, citing that he felt he needed to make his own changes, too, and do some experimenting of his own -- and that couldn't happen while he was in a relationship.
That's okay. Chris and I might not be dating anymore, but I am better for this experience, and I think that's the best we can ask from our relationships anyway. I've gained so much knowledge in the last week -- the last 6 months -- and I'm excited to use it.
Grateful to use it, in fact.
Life is good.
Showing posts with label single. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single. Show all posts
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Saturday, March 19, 2011
rise like bread
Find joy in their joy,
Their marital bliss.
It is not an accusation.
Live for now, not then,
Or them--
Those make-believe children
You'd love if you could.
Let the ache for that life just sit,
Not to harden you like concrete
But to rise like bread
Into soft, domestic reality
You'll love, and nurture, and share.
Their marital bliss.
It is not an accusation.
Live for now, not then,
Or them--
Those make-believe children
You'd love if you could.
Let the ache for that life just sit,
Not to harden you like concrete
But to rise like bread
Into soft, domestic reality
You'll love, and nurture, and share.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
lessons in dating
I better understand why guys reject me when I grow some backbone and reject them.
And, you know how people say you marry who you date? Well, you date who you befriend. Or, at least, the kind of guy you befriend. Hmm.
And, you know how people say you marry who you date? Well, you date who you befriend. Or, at least, the kind of guy you befriend. Hmm.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Note to self:
Being extremely preoccupied with something I can't control is not an excuse to pout.
It's a reason to get crackin' on something I CAN control.
It's a reason to get crackin' on something I CAN control.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Dependence: When other people do things for you, based on your self-depreciation. Your connection to other people prevents you from doing things you can do yourself. Your actions and opportunities are determined by others, to your detriment.
I know people who are dependent. This is for a lot of reasons, ranging from emotional abuse to addiction to mental illness. I flat refuse to be one of these people, so being independent comes fairly naturally.
Independence: When other people could do things for you, but your pride or distrust prevents you from allowing them to do so. Your relationships are limited as you disconnect from others.
My father insists this is a good thing, because it means that I don't need anyone. I guess this is true, since it means I get to pick and choose who I have in my life. They're there because I want them, not because I am dependent on them.
But today, I learned the hard way what interdependence is.
Interdependence: When you could do things yourself, but you allow others to do them, recognizing the efficiency thereof. You are free expend your energy on your own particular kind of excellence, rather than only your (independent) survival.
My glasses are broken. The earpiece is loose to the point of falling off at the hinge (no, it's not the screw; it's not that simple.) My glasses sit crooked on my face, and their weight is mostly on my nose instead of my ears. It's terribly uncomfortable. So, I looked up directions the closest Lenscrafters, copied down the insurance information my parents recited over the phone, and drove to Murray.
Anyone that knows me knows that I don't do well with finding new places. Lenscrafters was no exception. Oh, I got to the street fine, but made an assumption that lead me not to the mall, but to the similarly named strip mall just before it. The strip mall, by the way, had several optometrists, none of which were Lenscrafters, or for that matter open. So I maintain that between the name and the plethora of almost-but-not-quite places, my confusion was justified.
I parked in the strip mall to get my bearings, next to one of those little decorative parking lot islands. You know the kind -- they slap a tree and a couple of rocks in the middle of a parking lot, with a little curb around it. Well, I misjudged how far I needed to pull forward before I turned out of the space. My car rolled onto the curb. No big deal ordinarily, but then my car jostled and made the most horrifying crunchy, scraping noise you can think of.
"Oh geez."
Instantly, I stopped the car and put it in reverse. Touch the accelerator - repeat awful scrapey noise. But I was off the curb at least. My caution was extreme as I pulled forward some more. That's surprising considering my blood pressure in that moment. Did I have a flat? (Done that before.) Did I bend the rim? (Done that before, too.)
The car didn't seem to be handling poorly, so I didn't think so. That's when I noticed the great big ROCK placed in just the right place to produce that gut-wrenching sound. As I drove, there was a new noise.
Great, I thought. I broke something essential on the underside of my car. I pulled into the mall just across the way -- ironically, in that moment I realized it was where I should have been to begin with.
Parking once more, I decided I'd just have to get out and look at it. I shut off the car. Now I'm going to be stuck in Murray, and have to call someone to pick me up.
I got out, and closed the door behind me. Dad is going to be so sad. He just gave this car to me, and it was in such good shape. His other kids break cars. Dah, I hate that apparently I'm no different. I'll have to get into my savings to pay for the tow truck, and fix my car, and WHY THE HECK DO I EVER LEAVE THE HOUSE? I rounded the front of my car, and looked down.
"Oh."
It wasn't as bad as I expected, but it was certainly more obvious. A strip of red, somewhat mangled plastic that used to border the passenger side hung down to the ground. I dropped my purse and sat on the asphalt to take a closer look. My glasses fell apart again as I leaned over, so I snatched them away from my face and folded them into my purse. The question at hand -- literally at hand, as I shifted the abused plastic a bit -- was whether or not I could fix my car. The glasses would just have to wait.
Laying down on the ground, I tucked the purse beneath my head and examined the underside of my car more closely. There was a plastic bolt that would have held the piece up, but the piece had cracked at the hole, allowing the bolt to slip out. Could I slip it back in?
The answer was no, I found after I dirtied my hands and made the cracked hole into a broken curve. However, that curve fit excellently around the bolt. The misfit fix held up to my tests (banging on the already battered piece of plastic, grabbing it and shaking, etc.) Therefore, I came to the only conclusion I could, given my broken car and my broken glasses: I need to keep duct tape in my car.
A gas station seemed as likely a place as any to find the tape, so I pulled into one nearby. No such luck though, just Scotch tape. I bought it anyway, plus $20 in gas, and returned to my car. The glasses are now a barely-tolerable fix with the tape. The car went from barely-tolerable to silly-looking,-but-may-hold-together-a-little-better. Until, that is, I get up the nerve to tell Dad and ask what I ought to do.
I keep hand sanitizer and tissues in my car, so I cleaned up my hands the best I could before I left. As I drove away, I realized I really wanted to cry.
Hold it together, I told myself. It's fine. Crying about it won't help anything.
In an effort to "hold it together," I analyzed why exactly I wanted to cry. I didn't just want to cry, I decided. I wanted to hide my face in some good man's neck, and feel his arm around my shoulders, and inwardly lament of how infernally stupid the whole stinking mess was, dang it.
I can't do that, I reasoned. I have better things to do, like get myself home in one piece. There's no guy here anyway, Sara. So suck it up!
But I wondered what the situation would have been if there was a guy around. That's when it call came flooding to me. If there was someone there to have my back, I wouldn't have to drive home if I didn't want to. Or get out and get on the ground and look at my poor car. Or try to navigate a new town all by myself. Or drive myself to get my glasses fixed as they break off my face every few minutes. In short, every disaster of the evening could have been prevented if someone else were around who was willing to look after me a bit.
I'm not saying that I can't manage by myself. Obviously I did just fine given the circumstances. I'm usually really proud of myself for handling situations appropriately. Not this time. I was mournful that I had to handle it at all. I may be an independent woman, but I am also a traditionalist. I love when men take charge, when they make sure I know I'm allowed to be fragile.
I felt fragile today, and I didn't like it. And for the first time in my adult life, "kicking trash" and fixing my fragility myself wasn't the solution I craved. The idea disturbs me because I don't have a lot of options for not taking care of myself. But I think it's a good thing that I'm no longer out to prove that I can take care of myself. I already know I can. I just don't want it to be an unremitting requirement of my life anymore.
I know people who are dependent. This is for a lot of reasons, ranging from emotional abuse to addiction to mental illness. I flat refuse to be one of these people, so being independent comes fairly naturally.
Independence: When other people could do things for you, but your pride or distrust prevents you from allowing them to do so. Your relationships are limited as you disconnect from others.
My father insists this is a good thing, because it means that I don't need anyone. I guess this is true, since it means I get to pick and choose who I have in my life. They're there because I want them, not because I am dependent on them.
But today, I learned the hard way what interdependence is.
Interdependence: When you could do things yourself, but you allow others to do them, recognizing the efficiency thereof. You are free expend your energy on your own particular kind of excellence, rather than only your (independent) survival.
---
My glasses are broken. The earpiece is loose to the point of falling off at the hinge (no, it's not the screw; it's not that simple.) My glasses sit crooked on my face, and their weight is mostly on my nose instead of my ears. It's terribly uncomfortable. So, I looked up directions the closest Lenscrafters, copied down the insurance information my parents recited over the phone, and drove to Murray.
Anyone that knows me knows that I don't do well with finding new places. Lenscrafters was no exception. Oh, I got to the street fine, but made an assumption that lead me not to the mall, but to the similarly named strip mall just before it. The strip mall, by the way, had several optometrists, none of which were Lenscrafters, or for that matter open. So I maintain that between the name and the plethora of almost-but-not-quite places, my confusion was justified.
I parked in the strip mall to get my bearings, next to one of those little decorative parking lot islands. You know the kind -- they slap a tree and a couple of rocks in the middle of a parking lot, with a little curb around it. Well, I misjudged how far I needed to pull forward before I turned out of the space. My car rolled onto the curb. No big deal ordinarily, but then my car jostled and made the most horrifying crunchy, scraping noise you can think of.
"Oh geez."
Instantly, I stopped the car and put it in reverse. Touch the accelerator - repeat awful scrapey noise. But I was off the curb at least. My caution was extreme as I pulled forward some more. That's surprising considering my blood pressure in that moment. Did I have a flat? (Done that before.) Did I bend the rim? (Done that before, too.)
The car didn't seem to be handling poorly, so I didn't think so. That's when I noticed the great big ROCK placed in just the right place to produce that gut-wrenching sound. As I drove, there was a new noise.
Great, I thought. I broke something essential on the underside of my car. I pulled into the mall just across the way -- ironically, in that moment I realized it was where I should have been to begin with.
Parking once more, I decided I'd just have to get out and look at it. I shut off the car. Now I'm going to be stuck in Murray, and have to call someone to pick me up.
I got out, and closed the door behind me. Dad is going to be so sad. He just gave this car to me, and it was in such good shape. His other kids break cars. Dah, I hate that apparently I'm no different. I'll have to get into my savings to pay for the tow truck, and fix my car, and WHY THE HECK DO I EVER LEAVE THE HOUSE? I rounded the front of my car, and looked down.
"Oh."
It wasn't as bad as I expected, but it was certainly more obvious. A strip of red, somewhat mangled plastic that used to border the passenger side hung down to the ground. I dropped my purse and sat on the asphalt to take a closer look. My glasses fell apart again as I leaned over, so I snatched them away from my face and folded them into my purse. The question at hand -- literally at hand, as I shifted the abused plastic a bit -- was whether or not I could fix my car. The glasses would just have to wait.
Laying down on the ground, I tucked the purse beneath my head and examined the underside of my car more closely. There was a plastic bolt that would have held the piece up, but the piece had cracked at the hole, allowing the bolt to slip out. Could I slip it back in?
The answer was no, I found after I dirtied my hands and made the cracked hole into a broken curve. However, that curve fit excellently around the bolt. The misfit fix held up to my tests (banging on the already battered piece of plastic, grabbing it and shaking, etc.) Therefore, I came to the only conclusion I could, given my broken car and my broken glasses: I need to keep duct tape in my car.
A gas station seemed as likely a place as any to find the tape, so I pulled into one nearby. No such luck though, just Scotch tape. I bought it anyway, plus $20 in gas, and returned to my car. The glasses are now a barely-tolerable fix with the tape. The car went from barely-tolerable to silly-looking,-but-may-hold-together-a-little-better. Until, that is, I get up the nerve to tell Dad and ask what I ought to do.
I keep hand sanitizer and tissues in my car, so I cleaned up my hands the best I could before I left. As I drove away, I realized I really wanted to cry.
Hold it together, I told myself. It's fine. Crying about it won't help anything.
In an effort to "hold it together," I analyzed why exactly I wanted to cry. I didn't just want to cry, I decided. I wanted to hide my face in some good man's neck, and feel his arm around my shoulders, and inwardly lament of how infernally stupid the whole stinking mess was, dang it.
I can't do that, I reasoned. I have better things to do, like get myself home in one piece. There's no guy here anyway, Sara. So suck it up!
But I wondered what the situation would have been if there was a guy around. That's when it call came flooding to me. If there was someone there to have my back, I wouldn't have to drive home if I didn't want to. Or get out and get on the ground and look at my poor car. Or try to navigate a new town all by myself. Or drive myself to get my glasses fixed as they break off my face every few minutes. In short, every disaster of the evening could have been prevented if someone else were around who was willing to look after me a bit.
I'm not saying that I can't manage by myself. Obviously I did just fine given the circumstances. I'm usually really proud of myself for handling situations appropriately. Not this time. I was mournful that I had to handle it at all. I may be an independent woman, but I am also a traditionalist. I love when men take charge, when they make sure I know I'm allowed to be fragile.
I felt fragile today, and I didn't like it. And for the first time in my adult life, "kicking trash" and fixing my fragility myself wasn't the solution I craved. The idea disturbs me because I don't have a lot of options for not taking care of myself. But I think it's a good thing that I'm no longer out to prove that I can take care of myself. I already know I can. I just don't want it to be an unremitting requirement of my life anymore.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
opportunity
Metaphor of the Day: Being honest when you don't want to is like wearing flip-flops in the snow. It seems fun for a minute, and maybe you even pretend it's more fun than it is. But, in the end, it's neither practical or comfortable.
---
---
I have been praying very carefully lately:
Father, please, if an opportunity comes, help me to act on it. And Father...if an opportunity never comes...help me to be OK with it.
Sometimes, I have a hard time being honest with God. Cognitively, I know how crazy that is -- He's God, He knows everything anyway! Feeling that is another matter, of course, but I'm trying.
Father, please, if an opportunity comes, help me to act on it. And Father...if an opportunity never comes...help me to be OK with it.
Sometimes, I have a hard time being honest with God. Cognitively, I know how crazy that is -- He's God, He knows everything anyway! Feeling that is another matter, of course, but I'm trying.
---
Hearing: hairdryer
Feeling: a little rushed...
Hearing: hairdryer
Feeling: a little rushed...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Changes, Pt. 3: Single
Metaphor of the Day: "Hope" is the thing with feathers / That perches in the soul-- / And sings the tune without the words-- / And never stops--at all--
Emily Dickinson
---
---
This blog is a resource for how I can be happy in spite of the stressful things in my life. Looking over the things about which I've written, I realize that so much has changed.
Even in just the last 3 months, I've learned an incredible amount -- particularly about forming healthy attachments. Due to some hard childhood stuff, I spend a lot of my time "emotionally snacking" in relationships, because not asking for a lot is much, much safer. On the other hand, when I finally feel safe with someone, I tend to "emotionally gorge". It's exhausting in its intensity, and unhealthy. My homework assignment: find the middle ground. I need to realize, essentially, that people aren't automatically going to be completely unreliable, and therefore it's OK for me to take risks. And even if they are unreliable, that's OK, because I can be emotionally satiated, not starving.
Sometimes, being single is hard. It's easy to blame a lack of dates on my body type, or my introversion, or what-have-you. It's easy to want a boyfriend because he would be a convenient, reliable resource of love. I'm learning, however, that I have a lot of resources for love: all of my roommates, many of my neighbors, my family, a handful of awesome guys, etc etc. So not only can I be single, I can enjoy it, because I am emotionally satisfied and not clamoring at one person to fill those needs. It's fabulous to realize.
On the other hand, I have this internal debate going about whether or not it's OK to need people. I try really, really hard to be a strong person; I try not to "need" people, whether that effort is subconscious or otherwise. When it comes down to it, yes, people just need people:
God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.
Spencer W. Kimball
But...you mean I have to rely on other people to help me, even though they may have no interest in doing so? What happens if I get used to them helping me, and then they stop? Where does that leave me? Well...it leaves me with a whole lot of other people who are willing and able to fill in the space. However, someday, aren't I supposed to learn how to love someone enough that they can't be replaced?
I took a close look at my soul the other day. Do I think I'm loveable? Do I really believe that someone is going to love me forever and ever, for just being me? The honest answer was -- no, I don't believe it. I think he'll leave before he gets a chance to see who I really am, deep down, flaws and all.
I hate thinking it's impossible to have that kind of love in my life. So I'm trying to do something about it. It feels a little like flailing around in the dark for a lightswitch that may or may not be there. Maybe the best I can do is a flashlight, or a candle. Whatever the case, I trust that the way will be made clear. Maybe it will be like being introverted -- it's something that never really goes away, but I found coping methods. Or maybe it will be like a sin, repented of, where I shed it like old skin and a new person is exposed, stronger, better, more like God.
I guess we'll just have to see?
---
Hearing: not a lot to lean on, I'm looking for a light to find my place in this world
Feeling: weary
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Oi Vey.
This WAS my living room. (Trash can for scale.) And this WAS my kitchen, until I moved everything all by myself. The carpet cleaners are coming...but I think I'd rather have dirty carpet.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Most of the time, I'm really OK with being an introvert. It's taken me a long time to be able to say that, but it's true.
Every now and then, though, it really gets on my nerves.
I am an interesting, funny, intellectual, awesome person. (I'm not trying to be arrogant, just honest.) But when I am nervous and stressed and trying to be social, all of my brain cells leak out of my head and I revert back to being the shy, quiet, anxious girl I was 5 years ago. The obvious solution to this is to just quit being nervous, but just how do you go about doing that?
I've heard a lot of suggestions, but haven't quite managed to take many (if any) to heart. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I ought to go out on a limb and just do what comes to mind and accept that things won't always be easy or come naturally.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
There and Back Again
It's been a long time since I sat down to write a blog post. I've been reading over old posts and thinking things like wow, that is so true and Oh my word, I'm a completely different person now and Gosh, I can't believe that bothered me so much at the time.
And even, Why on earth is this bothering me so much now?
I don't really have an answer to that.
Sometimes when you change and it's a blooming outward, and you sail along like puffs on dandelion. Other times when you change it's root growth instead, becoming more stable and solid, and drinking deeply. Even from the storm that surrounds you. I've become more "myself" this year, more grounded on the fact that I am OK, just being me.
What is getting me lately is that sometimes, other people don't make the effort to find out how awesome I am. (That is me being really hypocritical, because of course I don't go around finding out how awesome other people are.) I know that I am pretty, and fun, and smart, and it would be nice to know that all of that is plain to everyone else. But I don't think it is.
Does buried treasure want to be hard to find?
Or does it wait, shining and lonely
For a stubborn thief to come
80 paces to the left,
wary of the booby traps,
and dig deep
To find the gem whose price is far above rubies?
I just wrote that, but in the process I did a web search to make sure I was quoting Proverbs 31 correctly. Interestingly enough, I found someone else's blog post. She said that she always thought the scripture should say diamonds instead of rubies, but then she did some research and found out that rubies are actually even more precious than diamonds -- more rare, and one of truly excellent quality will sell for even three times more than a diamond of the same quality. Then, she found a definition of "virtuous", and her paraphrase is what caught my eye:
"Good,righteous, pure, kind, benevolent, generous, strong thru wisdom, grace and fear of God, conforming to what is right and just…….seldom sought."
Go figure.
One of my roommates is getting ready for a mission, and she's going to be wonderful at it. She was just now -- literally just now -- saying that she once really worried about being in the MTC, being able to make all of those connections with the scriptures. "I'm just not good at that!" she said. "But the thing is that every scripture I've read in preparation for Preach My Gospel says 'have the Spirit with you and the Lord will do the rest.' And I can do that! I may stink at the technical stuff, but I can sure be obedient!"
I love roommates, especially ones that are in tune with the Spirit and say exactly what I need them to, while having no idea that they did it.
In much the same way, I can really stink at the technical aspect of showing people just how awesome I am. But I can feel the Spirit, and seek to keep it in my life, guiding my heart. And anything that pulls me away from that simply isn't worth it.
And even, Why on earth is this bothering me so much now?
I don't really have an answer to that.
Sometimes when you change and it's a blooming outward, and you sail along like puffs on dandelion. Other times when you change it's root growth instead, becoming more stable and solid, and drinking deeply. Even from the storm that surrounds you. I've become more "myself" this year, more grounded on the fact that I am OK, just being me.
What is getting me lately is that sometimes, other people don't make the effort to find out how awesome I am. (That is me being really hypocritical, because of course I don't go around finding out how awesome other people are.) I know that I am pretty, and fun, and smart, and it would be nice to know that all of that is plain to everyone else. But I don't think it is.
Does buried treasure want to be hard to find?
Or does it wait, shining and lonely
For a stubborn thief to come
80 paces to the left,
wary of the booby traps,
and dig deep
To find the gem whose price is far above rubies?
I just wrote that, but in the process I did a web search to make sure I was quoting Proverbs 31 correctly. Interestingly enough, I found someone else's blog post. She said that she always thought the scripture should say diamonds instead of rubies, but then she did some research and found out that rubies are actually even more precious than diamonds -- more rare, and one of truly excellent quality will sell for even three times more than a diamond of the same quality. Then, she found a definition of "virtuous", and her paraphrase is what caught my eye:
"Good,righteous, pure, kind, benevolent, generous, strong thru wisdom, grace and fear of God, conforming to what is right and just…….seldom sought."
Go figure.
One of my roommates is getting ready for a mission, and she's going to be wonderful at it. She was just now -- literally just now -- saying that she once really worried about being in the MTC, being able to make all of those connections with the scriptures. "I'm just not good at that!" she said. "But the thing is that every scripture I've read in preparation for Preach My Gospel says 'have the Spirit with you and the Lord will do the rest.' And I can do that! I may stink at the technical stuff, but I can sure be obedient!"
I love roommates, especially ones that are in tune with the Spirit and say exactly what I need them to, while having no idea that they did it.
In much the same way, I can really stink at the technical aspect of showing people just how awesome I am. But I can feel the Spirit, and seek to keep it in my life, guiding my heart. And anything that pulls me away from that simply isn't worth it.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Lent Pt. 2
I've been trying to write another post for days now. I wanted to write something about Lent, what I've learned about myself and my Savior, how it's helped me. I haven't really had any truly Brilliant flashes of Writerly Insight, but, oh well! Here it goes anyway!
My little brother said something to me in the car the other day that made me pause: "Yeah -- I'm glad to be single. I can talk to lots of girls and it's not a big deal because I don't have to stick with just one." Yeah, I thought -- why try to narrow it down so quickly? And then I started mentally. Shouldn't I take my own advice?
I think in a lot of ways we mortals narrow things down too quickly, thinking we know the only way things will work. But by doing so, we push aside inspiration that might come from walking in the dark, not lighting our own sparks.
In the 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter, I've been trying to live "moment-to-moment", taking joy in each day and not looking beyond the mark at the things I don't yet have. It's been a challenge, and still is, but I think that one of the most important things I've seen is that each day is out of my hands. That all I am given is this one moment, and even as I work to make it the best, I need to work to let it go and let Christ step in.
In a lot of ways I am still walking in the dark, still looking more at all of the things ahead than I probably should. However I think I can see a little better that everything has its hard parts, no matter what, and so it is our responsibility as God's children to see Him in all things.
So here's to learning to do that, one moment at a time.
My little brother said something to me in the car the other day that made me pause: "Yeah -- I'm glad to be single. I can talk to lots of girls and it's not a big deal because I don't have to stick with just one." Yeah, I thought -- why try to narrow it down so quickly? And then I started mentally. Shouldn't I take my own advice?
I think in a lot of ways we mortals narrow things down too quickly, thinking we know the only way things will work. But by doing so, we push aside inspiration that might come from walking in the dark, not lighting our own sparks.
In the 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter, I've been trying to live "moment-to-moment", taking joy in each day and not looking beyond the mark at the things I don't yet have. It's been a challenge, and still is, but I think that one of the most important things I've seen is that each day is out of my hands. That all I am given is this one moment, and even as I work to make it the best, I need to work to let it go and let Christ step in.
In a lot of ways I am still walking in the dark, still looking more at all of the things ahead than I probably should. However I think I can see a little better that everything has its hard parts, no matter what, and so it is our responsibility as God's children to see Him in all things.
So here's to learning to do that, one moment at a time.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Alone With My Thoughts
"In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself." Laurence Sterne
I love being alone. I sit here, heartily enjoying the first real meal I've had all day (granola bars and Gushers in the car really don't count). The window is open, the lights are on, and I'm listening to what may end up being my new favorite song -- and it doesn't even matter how loud it is.
When I'm alone, I think much more clearly. I'm never struggling to find words or prove I'm interesting. It's just me and the inside of my head.
And lately, the inside of my head has actually been a wonderfully pleasant place to be. That is what happens, I think, when you make a conscious effort to put the Lord first and ask God to help you in your efforts.
There are very few people with whom I am as at ease as I am when I am alone. (Did that sentence actually make sense?) One of those people is Cindy. My goal is that, one day, I will find some spiritual, God-fearing man, and be just as at ease with him, too.
In the meantime, I'm noticing the distinction between being an introvert and loving to be on the inside of my head. The latter makes the former much less of a burden. Don't you love when things work out like that?
I love being alone. I sit here, heartily enjoying the first real meal I've had all day (granola bars and Gushers in the car really don't count). The window is open, the lights are on, and I'm listening to what may end up being my new favorite song -- and it doesn't even matter how loud it is.
When I'm alone, I think much more clearly. I'm never struggling to find words or prove I'm interesting. It's just me and the inside of my head.
And lately, the inside of my head has actually been a wonderfully pleasant place to be. That is what happens, I think, when you make a conscious effort to put the Lord first and ask God to help you in your efforts.
There are very few people with whom I am as at ease as I am when I am alone. (Did that sentence actually make sense?) One of those people is Cindy. My goal is that, one day, I will find some spiritual, God-fearing man, and be just as at ease with him, too.
In the meantime, I'm noticing the distinction between being an introvert and loving to be on the inside of my head. The latter makes the former much less of a burden. Don't you love when things work out like that?
Monday, November 19, 2007
Service Vs. Neediness
Isn't it interesting how emotionally vulnerable you are when you need to go to bed? It's easy to be happy about things you'd be too smart to waste your time on by daylight.
I really, really love to make other people happy. If there's something I can do, whether it's rubbing sore shoulders, making a meal, or sitting and listening, I am happy to do it. (Often I'm not as inclined to give them something purely for the sake of their smile, or just tell them know how special they are, but I try to do that sometimes too, especially if I know it's exactly what they need.) It's wonderful to know that I can make a difference in how someone sees life on a particular day.
On the downside, I'm sometimes inclined to "serve" where I have no business too. It's not really service if it harms me, or if it's something that is just going to make things worse even if my intentions are good.
And it's certainly not service if it's just plain curiosity. "What would happen if I did this nice thing? How would you feel? What would you think?" That's called pushing buttons, friends, and something that I am sometimes far too inclined to do, especially (well, specifically) with guys. I like to be needed, to feel helpful, but targeting people's weaknesses in order to feel loved is not the way to go.
It's not something I specifically set out to do; I just don't think of it like that. The thought process is much more along the lines of "oh, I bet that would make you really happy right now," and then it gets tangled because at that point, it may not be a sincere thing on my part...I may just be doing it for the reaction.
There's really a fine line between serving because you know you have the power make someone happy, and serving to act on the Lord's behalf. I think it's a pride thing..."I am capable of doing this. I am capable of making you feel like I am wonderful. I am capable of making you feel like I am exactly what you need."
I do not want to play into someone else's neediness. I can either "add" to someone, because I cater to their neediness, and he to mine, or we together can "multiply" because we are already complete by ourselves, with the Lord, and we bring that completeness to each other, making much more than just the sum of two parts.
If that is something I still need to learn, then I am glad that I have had some difficult experiences, so that I could be taught this. I'm glad that the Lord has not blessed me with the kind of guy I want to date and marry someday. He knows that I'm really not ready for that yet, and loves me perfectly anyway. I'm trying to do that too.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Booty-call? Yikes.
Sometimes, I just don't understand why certain people are in my life. Quite a contrast from my last post about being grateful for the people around me, I know, but mostly it's just one specific person.
This person and I had become very close, very quickly, and when it blew up in my face I dealt with it for only as long as I had to before I dropped the relationship completely. Interestingly, this bothered this person, so I reconsidered and decided to continue the relationship (with minimal emotional involvement on my part). And then this person just sort of disappeared from my life -- no e-mail, no calls, no texts, not even a "hello" sent down the grapevine from our mutual friend.
I was confused by this, but since I was going to cut off contact with this person myself, I let the situation drop out of my life.
And then, out of nowhere, I got a text message, along the lines of "hi, I hope this isn't a bad time, just wanted to see how you were doing." My reply: "I'm fine." This person then texted me again asking if I was mad at him, and I said no, just confused because this person had wanted to be my friend and then dropped out of my life again. This person then said that they had thought I hated them, to which I replied that I didn't bother wasting the time and energy -- that no, it really didn't matter.
Shortly there after, this person called me and we talked for a while -- mostly about this person's rather exciting job. It was good to hear from this person, since they are fun to talk to, and it's been fun to communicate with this person on facebook. However, well, remember how the short-and-intense relationship blew up in my face? Well, the reason for that ended up blowing up in this person's face. And now this person wants me to come see them and has, according to my roommates, "booty-called". What on earth??
My thought is that this person is very immature, for basically a lot of reasons, and needs to stop looking for a significant other and start looking for ---self. That is something I am working on so intensely lately...I want to be able to define my worth outside of a relationship so completely that when I finally am in a relationship, it will be because it is what God wants for me and because I know the person I am involved with is a truly wonderful person, instead of someone who just makes me feel good.
If I had known that before now, I may never have gotten involved with "this person" to begin with. Rereading the "I'm-not-going-to-talk-to-you-ever-again" e-mail conversation, I really don't understand why this person thought I was still mad...not when I said "I was probably hypocritical," etc., and later, "Did you get my last e-mail?" I would love to ask this person about this, but I already know I wouldn't really get a straight answer. Mostly I'm just grateful not to be this person . . . not to be dating this person . . .
And to be me, not dating anyone. God has a plan for me; I know it. Therefore, when I am ready for the quality of relationship I want in my life, He will provide. That's all there is to it. In the meantime, I am, in a sense, falling in love with myself. By that I mean learning to love myself deeply, including weaknesses and strengths and all the funny quirks that fall somewhere in between. This is what God wants for me right now, and I am grateful for that.
This person and I had become very close, very quickly, and when it blew up in my face I dealt with it for only as long as I had to before I dropped the relationship completely. Interestingly, this bothered this person, so I reconsidered and decided to continue the relationship (with minimal emotional involvement on my part). And then this person just sort of disappeared from my life -- no e-mail, no calls, no texts, not even a "hello" sent down the grapevine from our mutual friend.
I was confused by this, but since I was going to cut off contact with this person myself, I let the situation drop out of my life.
And then, out of nowhere, I got a text message, along the lines of "hi, I hope this isn't a bad time, just wanted to see how you were doing." My reply: "I'm fine." This person then texted me again asking if I was mad at him, and I said no, just confused because this person had wanted to be my friend and then dropped out of my life again. This person then said that they had thought I hated them, to which I replied that I didn't bother wasting the time and energy -- that no, it really didn't matter.
Shortly there after, this person called me and we talked for a while -- mostly about this person's rather exciting job. It was good to hear from this person, since they are fun to talk to, and it's been fun to communicate with this person on facebook. However, well, remember how the short-and-intense relationship blew up in my face? Well, the reason for that ended up blowing up in this person's face. And now this person wants me to come see them and has, according to my roommates, "booty-called". What on earth??
My thought is that this person is very immature, for basically a lot of reasons, and needs to stop looking for a significant other and start looking for ---self. That is something I am working on so intensely lately...I want to be able to define my worth outside of a relationship so completely that when I finally am in a relationship, it will be because it is what God wants for me and because I know the person I am involved with is a truly wonderful person, instead of someone who just makes me feel good.
If I had known that before now, I may never have gotten involved with "this person" to begin with. Rereading the "I'm-not-going-to-talk-to-you-ever-again" e-mail conversation, I really don't understand why this person thought I was still mad...not when I said "I was probably hypocritical," etc., and later, "Did you get my last e-mail?" I would love to ask this person about this, but I already know I wouldn't really get a straight answer. Mostly I'm just grateful not to be this person . . . not to be dating this person . . .
And to be me, not dating anyone. God has a plan for me; I know it. Therefore, when I am ready for the quality of relationship I want in my life, He will provide. That's all there is to it. In the meantime, I am, in a sense, falling in love with myself. By that I mean learning to love myself deeply, including weaknesses and strengths and all the funny quirks that fall somewhere in between. This is what God wants for me right now, and I am grateful for that.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Happy on His Terms
The past two days have been an exercise in learning to love me for me, in spite of being single, shy, silly, etc.
Yesterday, my best friend on the whole planet (we honestly read each other's minds; it's like those dumb twin movies) went with her boyfriend to a bonfire. I was invited, but by the end of the day I just get so worn out by people that I knew I'd be miserable by the end of it. So, although I knew it would be extremely fun, I stayed home and dyed my hair instead! It was extremely fun and now I have amazing, fiery-red hair. It'll fade in two-ish weeks, but I'm delighted that I did it just because I could. It brings out my green eyes wonderfully...the funny thing is that now my head clashes with a lot of my shirts! That and I no longer have any concept of my hair color, before or after.
Today, I went to a concert. By myself. And I had a blast! The concert was Peter Breinholt, who is just so much fun! At one point during the concert, he basically invited people to dance while he played. A handful of girls stood up and started jammin', and then a few scattered other people, and then this guy (who will forever be my hero) ran to the front by the stage. Lots of people, including yours truly, followed suit, and it was insanely fun. I kind of like my lack of inhibition, even if it sometimes makes me feel a little cRaZy.
Another big thing about the concert was how I accidentally sat by this girl in my Spanish class and her two friends. Being a BYU-I coed, I naturally would have loved to sit by some cute boy, but I decided from the moment I saw the-Spanish-class-girl-whose-name-I-do-not-remember that it honestly did not matter because I was going to be friendly to whoever. So I chatted with Tara for a few minutes before the concert and it was great fun. I'm learning not to mind this whole being-single thing -- people are people, right?
Before that, in Old Testament, I very nearly cried. In a good way, of course...we were talking about Moses, specifically the burning bush experience, and at one point Moses says, "O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue." The Lord's reply intrigues me..."Who hath made man’s mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?" I had always kind of assumed this was the Lord saying "Well you're just unfaithful...get more faith and then you won't have to worry about it, duh."
But what if the Lord actually meant "Moses, I know. I made you that way on purpose." It reminded me that this whole introverted thing is not a fluke, is not a mistake. It's a challenge, but one that will bless me and one that somehow, the Lord will use to build His kingdom. Mary, one of my roommates from last fall, called me today and when I told her about this experience, I added "I have no idea HOW the Lord will use it for His work, but I guess I just have to trust Him." Her reply: "Well I know how!" She went on to explain that she really loved living with me because I had a way of nonjudgmentally listening to the whole story, and then without being insulting explained what might be the other side of the picture. I don't say this to toot my own horn or anything, just to use it as a demonstration of God's love and how He works through people, like Mary telling me how great she thinks I am on a day I particularly need to hear it.
I'm fairly convinced that this is just what happens when you ask the Lord to help you know what to pray for...and then pray for it...and then trust Him to provide in his own way and time.
I've been experimenting on the word and am happy to say that the Lord does provide -- you just have to be willing to take things on His terms. Since He's so much smarter (and nicer) than I am, I'm okay with that. I'm learning not to formulate my own ideas for things too quickly, because I know that God wants what is best for me and so I should want what He wants instead of making up my own ideas of "happy" and then being disappointed when they don't work out.
All in all, as I learn to love myself, I find myself loving God more and being more available to Him day to day. I'm so grateful for that.
Yesterday, my best friend on the whole planet (we honestly read each other's minds; it's like those dumb twin movies) went with her boyfriend to a bonfire. I was invited, but by the end of the day I just get so worn out by people that I knew I'd be miserable by the end of it. So, although I knew it would be extremely fun, I stayed home and dyed my hair instead! It was extremely fun and now I have amazing, fiery-red hair. It'll fade in two-ish weeks, but I'm delighted that I did it just because I could. It brings out my green eyes wonderfully...the funny thing is that now my head clashes with a lot of my shirts! That and I no longer have any concept of my hair color, before or after.
Today, I went to a concert. By myself. And I had a blast! The concert was Peter Breinholt, who is just so much fun! At one point during the concert, he basically invited people to dance while he played. A handful of girls stood up and started jammin', and then a few scattered other people, and then this guy (who will forever be my hero) ran to the front by the stage. Lots of people, including yours truly, followed suit, and it was insanely fun. I kind of like my lack of inhibition, even if it sometimes makes me feel a little cRaZy.
Another big thing about the concert was how I accidentally sat by this girl in my Spanish class and her two friends. Being a BYU-I coed, I naturally would have loved to sit by some cute boy, but I decided from the moment I saw the-Spanish-class-girl-whose-name-I-do-not-remember that it honestly did not matter because I was going to be friendly to whoever. So I chatted with Tara for a few minutes before the concert and it was great fun. I'm learning not to mind this whole being-single thing -- people are people, right?
Before that, in Old Testament, I very nearly cried. In a good way, of course...we were talking about Moses, specifically the burning bush experience, and at one point Moses says, "O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue." The Lord's reply intrigues me..."Who hath made man’s mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?" I had always kind of assumed this was the Lord saying "Well you're just unfaithful...get more faith and then you won't have to worry about it, duh."
But what if the Lord actually meant "Moses, I know. I made you that way on purpose." It reminded me that this whole introverted thing is not a fluke, is not a mistake. It's a challenge, but one that will bless me and one that somehow, the Lord will use to build His kingdom. Mary, one of my roommates from last fall, called me today and when I told her about this experience, I added "I have no idea HOW the Lord will use it for His work, but I guess I just have to trust Him." Her reply: "Well I know how!" She went on to explain that she really loved living with me because I had a way of nonjudgmentally listening to the whole story, and then without being insulting explained what might be the other side of the picture. I don't say this to toot my own horn or anything, just to use it as a demonstration of God's love and how He works through people, like Mary telling me how great she thinks I am on a day I particularly need to hear it.
I'm fairly convinced that this is just what happens when you ask the Lord to help you know what to pray for...and then pray for it...and then trust Him to provide in his own way and time.
I've been experimenting on the word and am happy to say that the Lord does provide -- you just have to be willing to take things on His terms. Since He's so much smarter (and nicer) than I am, I'm okay with that. I'm learning not to formulate my own ideas for things too quickly, because I know that God wants what is best for me and so I should want what He wants instead of making up my own ideas of "happy" and then being disappointed when they don't work out.
All in all, as I learn to love myself, I find myself loving God more and being more available to Him day to day. I'm so grateful for that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)