Day 4 your favorite photograph of your best friend(s)

Cindy and I, on one of our long, chilly walks around Rexburg.

I've known Cindy since I moved to North Carolina in fifth grade. The first two years of our acquaintanceship were inconsequential, but after a birthday party of a mutual friend where we didn't really have anyone to talk to but each other, things started to change. We discovered we both loved writing and Harry Potter. Apparently that's all it took. One Saturday afternoon visit turned into two, which turned into a sleepover, which turned into multi-day sleepovers every month or so. By that time, I was completely hooked on Cindy's love for classic literature, Broadway musicals, and long walks through the woods. God knew how badly I needed this beautiful, interesting, fun, smart, talented, spiritual person in my life.

After a little drama on my part (trying to decide what school I was going to,) and a little nervousness on Cindy's part (wondering if we were going to drive each other crazy,) we decided to room together in college. Best. Decision. Ever. Cindy and I enjoyed being English majors, going to concerts on campus, sitting outside on a blanket for entire summers, and just living in the kind of environment that only BYU-Idaho can offer.

We also looked after each other, in a way that only roommates and girls and best friends can. We saw each other through a lot of emotional turmoil, with hard classes, newfound independence, and of course, guys. And yes, there were days when I hurt Cindy's feelings, or she hurt mine, or both, but at the end of the day, we always found reasons to be grateful for each other. It was a wonderful, beautiful thing. I miss those days...I think about Cindy all the time.

About 7 years into our friendship, Cindy met a wonderful man named Mahon, and if you know anything about them, you already know that they're probably the happiest, most loving married couple ever to exist. I was privileged to be Cindy's maid of honor, and loved seeing her so, so happy.

Still do, in fact.

No, Cindy no longer functions as my best friend. I don't tell her all my secrets, or all the funny things that happen during my day, or my silly-or-otherwise plans for the future. But regardless, I treasure what we've had and hope that we will continue to keep a special, deep place in our hearts for each other. She singlehandedly kept me afloat, kept me holding on, in a time in my life when I didn't have anything else. To tell you the truth, I didn't even have me.

I think it's because Cindy helped me stabilize who I am that Tim has helped me to change so much. (I think he's little uncomfortable that he fills this "best friend" role, but he probably should have thought of that before he started spending all of his time with me. :) )

Tim and I, after a lovely night of ballroom dancing - on my birthday, even!

You know, I'd never really thought about how alike Tim and Cindy are before, which is probably why I find it so baffling right now...

For one, they are undeniably intellectual. Cindy and Tim always have such interesting things to say about things they've read, and have figured out so many problems, and explored so many options. Talking to them is, without fail, an enjoyable experience, simply because they have so much brain, and they care deeply about the things they think about. Plus, Tim and Cindy work hard to do the right thing no matter what, demonstrating both diligence and spirituality. The most helpful insights I have ever received have been from these two vastly intelligent people - and they give them to me all the time.

They both struggle with their health, and have for a long time. Cindy and Tim have very different health issues, of course, but the stress of doctors' appointments, insurance, medication, and being "different" and "limited" is a familiar experience to both of them. They invite me to be understanding and nurturing, and their experiences inspire me to appreciate my own wellbeing so much more.

Tim and Cindy are both extroverts, but possibly as a result of problematic health, the intense need for people and fun is quickly followed by an intense need for silence and rest. No matter what extreme they're in, they need physical touch in order to feel loved. Being a little more even keeled myself, I love going along for the ride as they have their highs and lows. And at the end of the day, who doesn't want to sit close to someone you love and watch a well-written, funny TV show? I have many fond memories like that with both Cindy and Tim. And I, too, love physical affection.

They're creative, whether it's art, poetry, dance, whatever. They're predominantly visual people, with an undeniable penchant for music and words. They're also curious. They appreciate adventure, emotions, and the wisdom (and JOY) that comes from experience. While they are certainly more passionate about visual arts, dance, and music than I am, not to mention better at it, I'm completely fascinated by people like them. I'm also fascinated by adventure and words (Does "British Literary Pilgrimage 2010" mean anything to you? :) ) so we're certainly in good company there!

But even with all of these similarities, I don't think that Tim and Cindy could ever really be friends with each other. They simply have very, very different philosophies about life. Cindy favors industry, tangible results, duty, and convention. She plays by the rules, and she's good at it. I can't tell you the number of funny looks I've gotten from her over the years, the number of times she told me to be reasonable, to get to work, to focus on my chosen destination. Because of her, I have deep, conservative roots, and a love and understanding of social norms because of the benefits they have to offer.

But by the fall of 2008, I'd taken this advice too far. I was sadly uptight, yet occasionally a bit flippant - a stellar professional with this inexplicable goofy streak. With Cindy's excellent influence, I'd gotten good at conforming to the system - I just forgot to figure out what made me happy.

That's when I met Tim. Tim encourages me find my own version of happiness, now that "the rules" are securely under my skin. He reminds me that sometimes the "rules" I perceive are really a result of my skewed perspective - so why follow them if they're erroneous AND they make me unhappy? He's the guy who encouraged me to skip class when I was having a hard day, for example, and who tells me it's OK that I talk his ear off sometimes. He thinks it's OK that people are strange, because he knows that finding your certain kind of strangeness in someone else often forges the deepest bonds. He values connection over convention.

Tim is spontaneous. He loves to break from the norm, question the rules, and live in the moment.

"Joy is in the journey," Tim tells me.

...And what a joyful journey it's been.

Changes, Pt. 1: Introversion

Metaphor of the Day: Introversion is like having to ask the participants of the Running of the Bulls to take a number and form an orderly line.

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The original purpose of this blog was to be a searchable, categorized resource for how I can be happy in spite of the stressful things in my life. Looking over the things about which I've written, I realize that so much has changed. For example, introversion was once a huge part of my self-definition. Now, it has all but faded into the background.

Two years ago, I rejoiced in knowing that God made me an introvert on purpose, no matter how hard that might be for me sometimes:

"O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken until thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue."

"Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?"

Now, I relate better to John Mayer:

My stupid mouth / got me in trouble; / I said too much again / to a date over dinner yesterday...

There are still days when I'm "peopled-out". It's still not easy for me to meet new people, or strike up a conversation with mere acquaintances. And there are people in my circle of friends with whom I will probably never deeply connect, because we are both more inclined to listen than to talk.

The biggest change, then, is that all of this bothers me so much less than it used to. I firmly believe that we can overcome weaknesses. This isn't to say that someday our weaknesses will -poof!- cease to exist. Rather, we can learn methods to get around them, so much so that our weaknesses just don't matter anymore.

If men come unto me, I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble, and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

You don't have to knock down a wall to get to the other side. You just need the Savior.

Most of the time, I'm really OK with being an introvert. It's taken me a long time to be able to say that, but it's true. 

Every now and then, though, it really gets on my nerves.

I am an interesting, funny, intellectual, awesome person. (I'm not trying to be arrogant, just honest.) But when I am nervous and stressed and trying to be social, all of my brain cells leak out of my head and I revert back to being the shy, quiet, anxious girl I was 5 years ago. The obvious solution to this is to just quit being nervous, but just how do you go about doing that?

I've heard a lot of suggestions, but haven't quite managed to take many (if any) to heart. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I ought to go out on a limb and just do what comes to mind and accept that things won't always be easy or come naturally.

There and Back Again

It's been a long time since I sat down to write a blog post. I've been reading over old posts and thinking things like wow, that is so true and Oh my word, I'm a completely different person now and Gosh, I can't believe that bothered me so much at the time.

And even, Why on earth is this bothering me so much now?

I don't really have an answer to that.

Sometimes when you change and it's a blooming outward, and you sail along like puffs on dandelion. Other times when you change it's root growth instead, becoming more stable and solid, and drinking deeply. Even from the storm that surrounds you. I've become more "myself" this year, more grounded on the fact that I am OK, just being me.

What is getting me lately is that sometimes, other people don't make the effort to find out how awesome I am. (That is me being really hypocritical, because of course I don't go around finding out how awesome other people are.) I know that I am pretty, and fun, and smart, and it would be nice to know that all of that is plain to everyone else. But I don't think it is.

Does buried treasure want to be hard to find?
Or does it wait, shining and lonely
For a stubborn thief to come
80 paces to the left,
wary of the booby traps,
and dig deep
To find the gem whose price is far above rubies?

I just wrote that, but in the process I did a web search to make sure I was quoting Proverbs 31 correctly. Interestingly enough, I found someone else's blog post. She said that she always thought the scripture should say diamonds instead of rubies, but then she did some research and found out that rubies are actually even more precious than diamonds -- more rare, and one of truly excellent quality will sell for even three times more than a diamond of the same quality. Then, she found a definition of "virtuous", and her paraphrase is what caught my eye:

"Good,righteous, pure, kind, benevolent, generous, strong thru wisdom, grace and fear of God, conforming to what is right and just…….seldom sought."

Go figure.

One of my roommates is getting ready for a mission, and she's going to be wonderful at it. She was just now -- literally just now -- saying that she once really worried about being in the MTC, being able to make all of those connections with the scriptures. "I'm just not good at that!" she said. "But the thing is that every scripture I've read in preparation for Preach My Gospel says 'have the Spirit with you and the Lord will do the rest.' And I can do that! I may stink at the technical stuff, but I can sure be obedient!"

I love roommates, especially ones that are in tune with the Spirit and say exactly what I need them to, while having no idea that they did it.

In much the same way, I can really stink at the technical aspect of showing people just how awesome I am. But I can feel the Spirit, and seek to keep it in my life, guiding my heart. And anything that pulls me away from that simply isn't worth it.

Friendships that Surprise

Here it is the 20th and my last post was on the 1st. Suffice it to say that life has been crazy this month, and now I'm trying to be happy in the place I'm at right now, instead of feeling understimulated.

A wonderful contributor to my sanity the past couple of days has been the ever-wonderful Cindy -- and her boyfriend, Mahon.

Becoming friends with Mahon has really been an interesting process. At first, he was just this guy in Cindy's geology class that she thought was cool and mentioned a few times. And then, the next semester, he started showing up at the apartment. All. The. Time.

It wasn't that I ever disliked Mahon. In fact, I was intrigued by my level of ambivalence. I just had no real interest in getting to know him. I believed Cindy when she said he was interesting and genuinely kind and spiritual to boot, but I still was more inclined to leave the room when he came over than not. While I fully support people as an institution, they do wear me out. Mahon, as a new person, was no exception to that.

However, because he was completely crazy about Cindy, he kept coming over. And mostly just because I didn't want to spend less time with my best friend on account of a BOY, I stuck around. This resulted in a few interesting silences when Cindy left the room...we both kind of pretended to be preoccupied with something else, until we came up with SOMETHING to say to each other. It usually ended up being about Cindy anyway.

And then, there was some sort of breakthrough. It wasn't something that happened all at once, but one day, Cindy and I jumped in the car to go do something and I turned to her and cocked my head to one side.

"Is Mahon in class?"

"Yeah, he is."

"Oh."

Now in type I can't really express this, but there was definitely a little disappointment in the tone of that "oh." Cindy caught the tone and we talked all the rest of the ride about the hows and whys of the fact that I wouldn't have minded washing my hands of him before, and yet somehow I was sad that we weren't hanging out with him.

Although Mahon and Cindy still gross me out a little (seeing my kids date people is going to be ROTTEN) at least now I can agree with what Cindy said to me at first: that Mahon is an interesting, genuinely kind, spiritual person. I still wouldn't say that I know him super-well, but I do find him a pleasure to talk to and be around.

Cindy is delighted by how all of this had played out. Every once in a while, she says to me, "I'm SO glad you like Mahon better now!"

My response? "Yeah, me too."

Alone With My Thoughts

"In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself." Laurence Sterne

I love being alone. I sit here, heartily enjoying the first real meal I've had all day (granola bars and Gushers in the car really don't count). The window is open, the lights are on, and I'm listening to what may end up being my new favorite song -- and it doesn't even matter how loud it is.

When I'm alone, I think much more clearly. I'm never struggling to find words or prove I'm interesting. It's just me and the inside of my head.

And lately, the inside of my head has actually been a wonderfully pleasant place to be. That is what happens, I think, when you make a conscious effort to put the Lord first and ask God to help you in your efforts.

There are very few people with whom I am as at ease as I am when I am alone. (Did that sentence actually make sense?) One of those people is Cindy. My goal is that, one day, I will find some spiritual, God-fearing man, and be just as at ease with him, too.

In the meantime, I'm noticing the distinction between being an introvert and loving to be on the inside of my head. The latter makes the former much less of a burden. Don't you love when things work out like that?

This seems to be a time for me to be surrounded by people who are having a hard time. I never thought I would be the one that people come to when they need someone to talk to -- that whole shoulder to cry on thing -- but it seems to be the case lately, at least for a few select people.

It's sobering, really, and it's teaching me some things. For one, it can always be worse. My family could be more dysfunctional. I could get less sleep. I could worry more about money. I could be much less healthy. The list goes on and on, and I see more and more that I am amazingly blessed, with my temple-sealed family, hectic-but-doable schedule, adequate bank account, and wonderfully healthy body. I'm a very mellow person, so it's sometimes a challenge for me to smile and say "yes, life is going fantastically!" but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it truly is. I am so very blessed.

The other part of it is that I have a capacity to help others in my own way, that the "mellowness" is part of what draws more intense people in, the kind of people who live fully and deeply and who I enjoy being around. I'm learning lately to "fill the measure of my creation" (D&C 88:19) and maybe part of that is using the quirks of my personality to reach out to others. I've been praying lately that God will use me to build His kingdom, and show me how He does that, and I am so deeply amazed that God answers those prayers. In His excellent goodness and wisdom, He reminds me that He does hear me, does know me. I hope that in this experience I can learn to trust Him even when His influence is not so obvious.

It makes me want to write poetry.

Happy on His Terms

The past two days have been an exercise in learning to love me for me, in spite of being single, shy, silly, etc.

Yesterday, my best friend on the whole planet (we honestly read each other's minds; it's like those dumb twin movies) went with her boyfriend to a bonfire. I was invited, but by the end of the day I just get so worn out by people that I knew I'd be miserable by the end of it. So, although I knew it would be extremely fun, I stayed home and dyed my hair instead! It was extremely fun and now I have amazing, fiery-red hair. It'll fade in two-ish weeks, but I'm delighted that I did it just because I could. It brings out my green eyes wonderfully...the funny thing is that now my head clashes with a lot of my shirts! That and I no longer have any concept of my hair color, before or after.

Today, I went to a concert. By myself. And I had a blast! The concert was Peter Breinholt, who is just so much fun! At one point during the concert, he basically invited people to dance while he played. A handful of girls stood up and started jammin', and then a few scattered other people, and then this guy (who will forever be my hero) ran to the front by the stage. Lots of people, including yours truly, followed suit, and it was insanely fun. I kind of like my lack of inhibition, even if it sometimes makes me feel a little cRaZy.

Another big thing about the concert was how I accidentally sat by this girl in my Spanish class and her two friends. Being a BYU-I coed, I naturally would have loved to sit by some cute boy, but I decided from the moment I saw the-Spanish-class-girl-whose-name-I-do-not-remember that it honestly did not matter because I was going to be friendly to whoever. So I chatted with Tara for a few minutes before the concert and it was great fun. I'm learning not to mind this whole being-single thing -- people are people, right?

Before that, in Old Testament, I very nearly cried. In a good way, of course...we were talking about Moses, specifically the burning bush experience, and at one point Moses says, "O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue." The Lord's reply intrigues me..."Who hath made man’s mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?" I had always kind of assumed this was the Lord saying "Well you're just unfaithful...get more faith and then you won't have to worry about it, duh."

But what if the Lord actually meant "Moses, I know. I made you that way on purpose." It reminded me that this whole introverted thing is not a fluke, is not a mistake. It's a challenge, but one that will bless me and one that somehow, the Lord will use to build His kingdom. Mary, one of my roommates from last fall, called me today and when I told her about this experience, I added "I have no idea HOW the Lord will use it for His work, but I guess I just have to trust Him." Her reply: "Well I know how!" She went on to explain that she really loved living with me because I had a way of nonjudgmentally listening to the whole story, and then without being insulting explained what might be the other side of the picture. I don't say this to toot my own horn or anything, just to use it as a demonstration of God's love and how He works through people, like Mary telling me how great she thinks I am on a day I particularly need to hear it.

I'm fairly convinced that this is just what happens when you ask the Lord to help you know what to pray for...and then pray for it...and then trust Him to provide in his own way and time.
I've been experimenting on the word and am happy to say that the Lord does provide -- you just have to be willing to take things on His terms. Since He's so much smarter (and nicer) than I am, I'm okay with that. I'm learning not to formulate my own ideas for things too quickly, because I know that God wants what is best for me and so I should want what He wants instead of making up my own ideas of "happy" and then being disappointed when they don't work out.

All in all, as I learn to love myself, I find myself loving God more and being more available to Him day to day. I'm so grateful for that.