Day 2 a photo of something you ate today

Uhhh. What DID I eat today?

Ha. Well, the first thing I eat every day is my vitamins:

Yes. They are prenatal. Yes. They are gummy. Yes. I love them.

Don't judge me.

They are prenatal because I am dyyyyyying to grow my hair out. I had a pixie cut basically the entire time I was in college, and now I am so ready to have long hair again. Particularly because I actually know how to take care of my hair now. All of my friends have accepted the fact that I have super-hero hair. You should too.

They are gummy because I hate the way regular adult vitamins smell. It's like the sour armpit of the pharmacy aisle.

I love them because I have ALWAYS struggled to take my vitamins. But these, I take. I have a purpose for taking them. And I have some kind of instant gratification when I take them. (Did I mention they're SOUR gummy vitamins? Mmmm.) Successfully taking vitamins is just one little way I prove to myself that I am a competent adult. Yay me.

Changes, Pt. 2: Measure of Beauty

Metaphor of the Day: Being around a beautiful girl is like having a pet boa constrictor: a bit dangerous, but it's fun, so who cares?

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This blog was to be a searchable, categorized resource for how I can be happy in spite of the stressful things in my life. Looking over the things about which I've written, I realize that so much has changed.

Some things, though, don't change that much.

The Long and Short of It

I still feel most like myself when I look in the mirror and see short hair. For one thing, I just have the face for it. For another thing, I've had short hair ever since I started thinking of myself as an adult. When I cut it short for the first time, I had recently acquired my first full-time job and was in the process of fading out of the Young Women's program and into singles' ward. I left home for the first time not long after that, to come to school in Idaho. My college friends have no concept of what I look like with long hair.

In short (no pun intended), a pixie haircut has become a part of who I am over the last three years. But at the same time, I have become who I am over the last three years. I'm a little scared to grow it out again, in the same way I was a lot scared to cut it short. What if it's just not me? I don't really have an answer to that.

I Could Not Ask for More

Another thing that hasn't changed very much is my concept of my body shape. Let's face it: I am not a tiny person. And sometimes, that's hard. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and have to close my eyes. The mirror we keep in the hallway of our apartment stretches you just enough to be flattering, without you really noticing that it's doing it. You just feel attractive. There are days that I hate that mirror. I feel pretty when I look in it, but we all know it's lying. So am I not pretty?

I don't say this to throw myself a pity party. Every day I have to firmly say, Sara, stop comparing yourself to them, yes, but that doesn't mean I don't feel pretty a lot of the time. I try to take good care of myself. I could do better, be better, look better. But it could be a lot worse, too. I'm very healthy, so I have a lot to be grateful for. I just have to remind myself of that a lot.

To See or Not to See? That is the Question.

In addition, I discovered a couple of years ago that I simply have Really. Big. Eyes. It's mostly the whites of them that are big, but whatever the case, it's earned me a long-standing comparison with lemurs. I don't find the comparison to a lower primate to be particularly flattering, but I do enjoy that other people notice that I have big eyes. It's part of the Disney Princess standard of beauty.

It annoyed me for a long time that I wear glasses. Sure, they frame my eyes, but since I'm nearsighted, they also make my eyes look smaller. Why on earth would I want that?! Plus, I have no concept of what I actually look like without glasses. I toy with the idea of contacts for about two months out of every year ("toy with" here meaning "tell everyone I know that I am DEFINITELY going to get them this year").

This year is no different in that regard, but in another way, something has changed. Firstly, Cindy was a doll and did a photo shoot with me here in town; a few of the pictures included me without glasses. I like these pictures -- mostly. Secondly, I've met two particular girls. One is in my relief society, another was in a class. They, too, have ridiculously large eyes, but neither of them wear glasses. Looking at them, and at myself in these pictures, I'm not sure that Huge Eyeballs are the way to go. It's a little weird to look at the thing that you rejected out of vanity, and wonder if they might actually contribute to your appearance. I'm over contacts -- ask me again in a year.

What (Not) To Wear

When I first arrived in college, my personal style was a disaster. I was tired of hiding, so believe me, I didn't! My typical attire involved messy short hair, bright mismatched layers, drawn-on Converses (and jeans), the works! Cindy was wonderfully patient with me and my fashion choices, and so I gradually got over it. Then I worked in a very professional job for a year, and for a long time just really enjoyed collared shirts, skirts, slacks, neutral colors, and high heels.

My current style is a combination of the two extremes. I currently favor skirts with Converses, collared shirts, bright colors, and slightly messy hair. However, I also acknowledge that my personal style is not so personal at all; it is very much affected by the tastes of whomever I happen to be hanging out with most. This annoys me, but 2 Christmases ago Cindy wrote an entire short story for me to remind me that the people around us are just as much a part of who we are as the choices we actively make. So I try to be OK with it, and try to keep figuring out what I like best.

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On my bathroom wall, I have a picture of Jesus. As silly and incongruous as it sounds, I made a speech bubble for him, written in marker:

"You are always beautiful to me."

All this post really says is that I don't know how to be happy in regards to my physical appearance. However, Christ's love for me is never unsure, never changes. So this is what I keep coming back to, in the end.

Bucket List

1. Fall in love. Really in love, not "I'm lonely" love, or "I'm bored" love. I want "you are my best friend" love, "we are a team no matter what" love. I want to admire someone deeply as a person, to know I am so blessed to get to spend my time now and forever with them. Anything else just wouldn't be enough.

2. Travel. Gosh, just EVERYWHERE, especially Europe and Central / South America and all over the US though those are by no means the only places. I want to see the things I've only read about, only seen pictures of. I want to see God; the world is so BIG and too many of us experience very little of it. I want to love it all.

3. Learn. I am so blessed to be pursuing my college degree right now, but I by no means plan for that to be the end of it. I want to continue to take classes...pottery, fencing, automotive, lots of things. I want to be certified as a massage therapist, and certified for first aid, and maybe to be a lifeguard, too! And of course, I want to learn more about how I, personally, can be a better, more connected child of God.

4. Write. Working on this latest story has gotten me so fired to write, as much as I can. I think it's interesting that the more I love writing for the simple creative act, the more I think about publishing someday. Not even because I want to necessarily share my writing, but just that, I guess, our babies -- all of them -- are meant to go out into the world at some point and stand on their own. So I want to write books and love myself and God a little more because of it.

5. Be beautiful. Now, I want to point out that this actually overlaps with the other ones. I don't just mean "be a size 2 and have amazing skin and hair and the perfect manicure all the time and perfect teeth and lasik surgery." That's looking "beautiful" -- notice the quotes, by the way. I want to BE beautiful, and to me, that's kind of the opposite. I want to be satisfied with who I am as God created me, with the humility to change and the courage to stand firm. I want to be happy with how my life has turned out, where I'm heading, and what I'm doing in the meantime to prepare for that. I want a beautiful life, full of love and adventure (even on just a small scale) and learning and God, and I want that beauty to come out in who I am.

And that, friends, is my bucket list as of today. I expect my dreams and aspirations to expand, to become more detailed, to change. We'll just have to see.

Physical Pain

I am so grateful for the practically pain-free life that I lead.

The most I ever have is a little headache, solved by a night's rest and/or a tall glass of water, or sore shoulders from too much slumping that day. My physical body is such a blessing to me. I am so very amazed at how healthy I am, and that I don't really have to do anything extra in order to be enjoy such excellent health. My body-health to-do list is short: get enough sleep, keep my eating balanced, don't sit around all day, stay clean.

And yet I tend to be a big whiner about it when something slips -- most often my sleep, at school anyway -- and I spend a few days feeling gross. I should appreciate this gift I have been given more than I do; I have witnessed in several people that I love the stress and heartache (and tough learning) that can come of physical pain.

So here's to you, body: I love you, and thank you for being as good to me as you are, even when I don't appreciate it. And here's to you, Dad: I hope you'll be okay.

A Letter to Me for Darker Days

Dear Sara,

Did you know that when you got up this morning, you looked in the mirror and smiled? I know, I know, your disheveled hair was pretty funny. But do you remember the actual reason? It's because you looked in the mirror and thought, "I am beautiful." Do you think that maybe, possibly, you could do that today? Yeah, today your hair is probably just as disheveled (or maybe not) and your skin is driving you to the mad house (or it isn't) and you've never felt fatter (or perhaps that's not the case at all.) Whatever the case, I want you to remember that the person who smiled at you this morning is still you...she can still have the same light in her green eyes if you let her. Be close to the Lord, and love life and yourself not necessarily for what they give you, but what for what you can give back to them -- even if it is nothing more than your love. It's even allowed to be reluctantly-given now and then. But don't give up; keep smiling.

Love,

Me

P.S. One of your friends thinks that the following should be added:

"You are an awesome person with a great talent to make other people smile. This talent would be wasted if you didn't smile yourself. You are a great friend to those who need you and you are very thoughtful. The people who don't know you are missing out on knowing a wonderful person.

"Remember too, that the Lord loves you, even when you don't. He is always there for you and wants to bless you beyond measure. Remember Him and He will never forget you! You are a blessed daughter of God, talented in many ways. And remember, those with whom you share friendship are grateful for that appellation."

So remember that too, and that you have really fabulous friends who see the best in you, even if you don't think you've done anything to deserve such great people, and such a beautiful life.

-S

Keeping it Real

On days like today I find it extremely important to step back and try to see God in all things. He is so unreservedly good to me, and if I can remember that, then loving Him and being like Him is so much easier. He provides so much cause for joy; why not take Him up on His offer? If I can do that, I can remain connected to Him, and to this mortal state He has allowed me to experience in order to grow. So here's a list of things that I find joy in today, in no particular order.

Music that affects me in a positive, soothing way. My soul-weather this morning was broody and depressing, so even my favorite songs were getting me down. Having one, gotten into a better place, and two, switched to instrumental music, I can happily say that my heart is much more sunny than it was.

Getting up early. I despise getting up late. I don't like how I feel when I do...like I miss out on so much, including and especially daylight. However this morning I was up and alert by 8:30 and feel like the day has been productive so far.

Knitting! I keep looking at this neat scarf I started the other day and thinking, "Wow, I really made that, didn't I?" I've been doing it too tight, so my hands are a little sore from 21 rows at a time, but still, I think creation of any kind is one of the ways that we can be nearest to God. And for another thing, every time I knit I think a little about three key things: the wonderful friend who helped me learn to knit, the work I had to put forth to figure it out, and the person for whom I'm knitting the scarf. There are a lot worse ways to spend your time than thinking about people in your life that you love a little more each day!

My sister's smile. She and I have a playdate this afternoon, I assume after the movie she's watching with Mom finishes. Unlike me, Deborah is a fan of sleeping in late (that or she just does it a lot -- that I can understand too!) so Mom had me wake her up a few hours ago. She wasn't too pleased about it, but after showering and getting dressed she came in my room just to say hi. I'm not sure she realizes what a blessing she is to me!

My favorite shirt. I know, I know, it seems silly. But it's the perfect shade of pink, and flattering. I try to save it for days when I need an extra couple of smiles on my face, and today it seemed appropriate.

Aspirations. I'm having a hard time knowing what to do with myself during the day...too much time on my computer and I start to go bonkers, too much cleaning and Dad feels like I'm being critical, too much time outside and I freeze, too much time reading and I get sleepy. But I keep remembering that this is still a place on the road to higher things, and I may be moving a lot faster toward them right now than I think. Everyone needs a break, some vacation, a time to rest. But if I can use my time -- even down time! -- in a way that brings me closer to God, then I can have peace at all times, through Him.

The words of the prophets. In order to improve my soul-weather, I spent the morning reading talks from general authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, particularly on patience. This is a virtue that I am trying to balance my apparent need for it with sincerely seeking more knowledge of it. I know that if I am diligent, and open to God, that I can and will be blessed in His due time. Without having the opportunity to read guidance and direction from wise, spiritual leaders, I don't know what my day would have been like.


My friends. I could list them all off one by one...the ones I would die for, the ones I don't always understand but who I deeply respect, the ones that make me laugh, the ones that make me think, the ones that I don't know as well as I could but know I will only like better once I do, the ones that teach me things I never would have thought of on my own. Mostly I'm just glad for the wonderful mix of them; they all contribute so much to who I am and the presence of God in my life.

Grapefruit-scented lotion. Believe it or not, I think my dad even likes the smell of it! My hands have been brutally dry, and while this is a pain, I can't mind it too much since every time I put on this lotion, I can't help but be a little more cheerful. It's such a sunny smell.

A made bed. I got new bedding for Christmas and I LOVE it. I'm pretty sure I've raved about it before, but it's just a little more true every day! That and I love the look of a made bed...not rumpled, all clean lines and smooth surfaces. It's what I like my soul-weather to be like.

Vacuums. I'm laying on my floor with the keyboard as I write all of this, and from this perspective I can't help but notice all the little bits of paper and yarn and dirt. Sure, it adds character to the room, but, eh, I think I'm going to ditch the character in favor of a little more cleanliness.

Let It Snow

It makes me sniffle and turn red, and lose feeling in part of me that I usually don't have wonder whether or not they're still attached. Because of it, I have to wear the same big coat day after day because it's the only thing that keeps me from turning blue, and I am in constant fear of hat-hair.

But I don't care. This semester, I have realized something: I love the cold.

...

"Ugh, it's so warm in here, I'm opening the window."

"You're hot??"

She batted her eyelashes. "Of course I am."

There was the expected roll of the eyes and he continued, "But you seriously aren't cold right now?"

"No way! You're just a reptile."

...

I'm typically an extremely even-keeled person. Sure, I can be stressed, silly, annoyed, or even cheerful. But lately I'm learning to feel more deeply, to love life simply because it is there, and it is good, rather than because something particularly stellar happened. I'm learning to surround myself with things that make me happy -- the pajama pants I'm wearing, fresh fruit (not so much lately though, sigh), just simple things that bring me joy. I've found I'm more inclined to put on makeup even, because I like to feel good about myself -- not because I feel bad about myself. Interesting distinction, no?

...

"Reptile?"

"Yeah, like cold-blooded. I'd hardly ever cold. I think I get it from my dad."

"Well, I'm from Idaho, so I'm supposed to be used to this thing. But I still think it's cold."

...

I think it's because I'm such an even-keeled person that I like the cold so much. It's the biting sensation on my cheeks, the way the winter wind billows past my ears. I love the often-overcast sky and that snow falls here in the Burg. Snow makes everything more beautiful, it both softens and intensifies in a way nothing else can. Winter reds and dark browns stand out so much more, and people stand a little closer, for warmth. And when it falls, well, then it's just pure magic. And I'm seeking more magic in my life.

...

"Exactly. We can't explain it away by saying you're from a warmer climate, so obviously you're a reptile." She leaned out of the open window.

He shivered. "Yeah well...mammal!"

...

I love that there are things in the world like snow, and winter, and flowers sitting on my coffee table while my roommate fills the floor with scrapbooking supplies. These are the times that so easily pass us by, so it's nice that you have to hesitate at the door, wondering if you should put on an extra layer or not, feeling and looking and thinking and searching with that extra something we all have.

The next time you stop and wonder that, I hope you also use your senses -- all five, or even six -- to realize how beautiful all of this is, and how blessed you are to have it.

Dancer, Part One

"Are you good in school?"

"Um, yeah, pretty good."

"Is the something you aren't good at?"

"Let's see...I'm not a very good dancer."

"Cindy Lynn is a good dancer."

"Yeah, I know."

I really am not a very good dancer. I'm sure that if I put a whole lot of work into it, I could be good -- but it's not important enough for me to suffer through the grueling process of being bad at it, and being bad at it, and being bad and then a little better, but mostly bad for a long time until all of the awfulness spills over into something worthwhile. I try to feel I have God-given beauty in other ways.

Cindy on the other hand is marvelous. I've seen her get swept up in it, seen her move in ways I probably never could, limbs going almost of their own accord, but in a spontaneous, smooth accomplishment that to me, is one of the many ways that my best friend is beautiful.

In thinking about the conversation that I began this post with, my brain went in two directions -- proof that it may still function after I'm done with this research paper, or it'll split in half! The first is one that I come to, oh, probably every day: that Cindy amazes me, with her strength, whether it's strength of character, or will; with her beauty...the kind that draws you in because yes, she's pretty, but that she also has a wonderful capacity to share it, often without even trying. There's a magic to a person like that. And then there's her creativity and humor -- I've seen both get her eyes to sparkle, and my favorite part is when I can put it there. Yes, she is in fact a dancer, but in her, I see it almost as a personality trait worth emulating, rather than simply a talent and a passion.

Sometimes I wish that she could see all of this in herself, even when life gets heavy on her shoulders (sometimes literally: you should feel the knots!). However, I trust her to take care of herself, and I'm grateful for the fact that she knows who she can count on.

I'm grateful that I know who I can count on, too, and I love, so much, that God knows all of us so perfectly, that He can take care of English papers and sore muscles (or sore muscles caused by English papers...) and everything in between.

Our God is an awesome God.

And, of course, Cindy is an awesome dancer.

Temporary Redhead, Permanent Daughter of God

Cindy, after noticing my bright red hair all over again, asked me, "So are you going to keep it that way?"

My answer kind of surprised me.

"No; no way. I figure God gave me brown hair, so why should I feel like that isn't good enough? This is temporary -- just for fun."

It wasn't so much the answer itself that surprised me as how emphatic I was about it...it came out of my mouth and I thought, Wow, I really believe that.

Who am I to question how God created me?

Happy on His Terms

The past two days have been an exercise in learning to love me for me, in spite of being single, shy, silly, etc.

Yesterday, my best friend on the whole planet (we honestly read each other's minds; it's like those dumb twin movies) went with her boyfriend to a bonfire. I was invited, but by the end of the day I just get so worn out by people that I knew I'd be miserable by the end of it. So, although I knew it would be extremely fun, I stayed home and dyed my hair instead! It was extremely fun and now I have amazing, fiery-red hair. It'll fade in two-ish weeks, but I'm delighted that I did it just because I could. It brings out my green eyes wonderfully...the funny thing is that now my head clashes with a lot of my shirts! That and I no longer have any concept of my hair color, before or after.

Today, I went to a concert. By myself. And I had a blast! The concert was Peter Breinholt, who is just so much fun! At one point during the concert, he basically invited people to dance while he played. A handful of girls stood up and started jammin', and then a few scattered other people, and then this guy (who will forever be my hero) ran to the front by the stage. Lots of people, including yours truly, followed suit, and it was insanely fun. I kind of like my lack of inhibition, even if it sometimes makes me feel a little cRaZy.

Another big thing about the concert was how I accidentally sat by this girl in my Spanish class and her two friends. Being a BYU-I coed, I naturally would have loved to sit by some cute boy, but I decided from the moment I saw the-Spanish-class-girl-whose-name-I-do-not-remember that it honestly did not matter because I was going to be friendly to whoever. So I chatted with Tara for a few minutes before the concert and it was great fun. I'm learning not to mind this whole being-single thing -- people are people, right?

Before that, in Old Testament, I very nearly cried. In a good way, of course...we were talking about Moses, specifically the burning bush experience, and at one point Moses says, "O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue." The Lord's reply intrigues me..."Who hath made man’s mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?" I had always kind of assumed this was the Lord saying "Well you're just unfaithful...get more faith and then you won't have to worry about it, duh."

But what if the Lord actually meant "Moses, I know. I made you that way on purpose." It reminded me that this whole introverted thing is not a fluke, is not a mistake. It's a challenge, but one that will bless me and one that somehow, the Lord will use to build His kingdom. Mary, one of my roommates from last fall, called me today and when I told her about this experience, I added "I have no idea HOW the Lord will use it for His work, but I guess I just have to trust Him." Her reply: "Well I know how!" She went on to explain that she really loved living with me because I had a way of nonjudgmentally listening to the whole story, and then without being insulting explained what might be the other side of the picture. I don't say this to toot my own horn or anything, just to use it as a demonstration of God's love and how He works through people, like Mary telling me how great she thinks I am on a day I particularly need to hear it.

I'm fairly convinced that this is just what happens when you ask the Lord to help you know what to pray for...and then pray for it...and then trust Him to provide in his own way and time.
I've been experimenting on the word and am happy to say that the Lord does provide -- you just have to be willing to take things on His terms. Since He's so much smarter (and nicer) than I am, I'm okay with that. I'm learning not to formulate my own ideas for things too quickly, because I know that God wants what is best for me and so I should want what He wants instead of making up my own ideas of "happy" and then being disappointed when they don't work out.

All in all, as I learn to love myself, I find myself loving God more and being more available to Him day to day. I'm so grateful for that.