obedience

This week, getting ready for the day has been a slow process. I have uncoiled myself from the semi-grotesque position I sleep in lately, have gingerly placed my feet in front of the other until I arrive at the closet. There, I ponder what shirt will be the easiest to put on, what jeans will rub least. This is what happens when you bring a sunburn home from the beach.

So from the outside, this morning started out like any other day lately. Yet, it was very, very different.

A friend told me yesterday, as we chatted on the phone, that she thought the most wonderful feeling in the world was to stop hurting. We can easily overlook the absence of pain, she said, but the transition from pain to not-pain is an exquisite joy. That stuck with me. Every word for the absence of pain -- comfort, consolation, relief -- indicates a bubbling up of happiness from a deep place. A place as deep as our hurt, I daresay.

I submit that fear is its own kind of pain. And I feel like I have so much to be afraid of...the things I want are so far away, by distance and time, by life stage, by personal development. How am I ever going to get there? How am I ever going to deserve it? How am I ever going to figure this out? How is it ever going to be OK for me to want it now if right now, it's still so impossible?

I don't have answers to any those questions, and that scares me. But today, for the first time in a long time, it was okay. This morning, sunburn notwithstanding, was different. In a merciful reprieve from my fear, the Spirit bore witness:

I may not understand the methods. I may not like the consequences. But the right thing is still the right thing, and as His daughter, it is my responsibility, duty, and joy to do it anyway.

It doesn't really change the situation, but lately I stopped praying for the problem to be fixed anyway. I've just been asking for the burden to be lightened or for my spiritual shoulders to be strengthened enough to bear it. Heavenly Father has been infusing my life with that, and today it coalesced. It startled me, this cup-runneth-over, renewed faith that seemed to bubble up from nowhere.

No, I still don't have the one thing I most want, and I don't know how to get it, or if I'll ever get it at all. But I know - I testify - that obedience brings goodness to our lives, and as a result, there is no need for fear. It doesn't always make sense, and it doesn't guarantee immediate sunshiny consequences. But it is the only thing that brings peace instead of regret, love instead of resentment, faith instead of fear.

Through the Atonement, Jesus Christ is rooting out the regret and resentment and fear that I have internalized. There may still be consequences. I may never fully understand. But I know that I will be blessed if I obey.

So I pray. I wait. And I obey.

2011 of doom...well, sorta

It's been a hard year so far.

I fell in love, and it hasn't worked out like I'd hoped.
I graduated from BYU-Idaho, and I miss my life there more than anything.
I found a job, but it is far from what I believe my "calling" to be.

At the end of last year, I told everyone that I felt like I was watching my house burn down. Everything about my life was going to change, in my opinion for the worse, and there was nothing I could do but stand there and watch it happen.

In some aspects, the ashes are still smoldering. I am still mourning the loss of that life I'd made. I'm not fully convinced that I can't have it back, and I keep trying to find a way to go back in time and make things right -- to make my house fireproof.

About now I'm supposed to say, "but I know it doesn't work like that." I can't quite bring myself to say it. I WANT it to work like that. Lately I am learning, over and over and over again, that I am really fond of my own set of values. I've got this life philosophy, this set of values that I'm terribly fond of. According to it, there are things in my life that should work. They should make me happy. But they don't.

That's because my values and philosophies have very little to do with the Lord's. It doesn't take much...just buy into a few of Satan's lies, and there you have it. You start to believe things that simply aren't true, that have nothing to do with reality. Then you start to question reality because it doesn't match your ideas of what it ought to be. It's exhausting. And sinful.

On the other hand, my patriarchal blessing directs me to make the gospel the dominant influence in my life. Doing  so allows me to be sensitive and obedient to the Spirit -- even when I don't personally agree.

I may not agree with, or understand, the turn that my life has taken this year. However, I know that my Father in heaven loves me. I know that I am important to Him. He is much more concerned about my character than my temporary comfort, and He is determined to purify me.

Despite my protests, He knows that deep down, I still want to be purified. I still want to be worthy of a Godly throne one day. I still want to claim my rightful place as His daughter, one who serves with her whole heart and every ounce of talent she possesses. Heavenly Father is going to get me there...I just know it!

It's just that sometimes, His ways are not my ways. His methods are so over my head that they seem inside out, backwards, and just plain wrong. But they're not, and through the Atonement, Jesus Christ softens my heart so I can obey anyway.

Yes. I can obey anyway.

a walk before the thunder

This is who I am--
t-shirt, jeans, ponytail
sandals I slip off as soon as I can.
Conscious of my casual divinity.

This is who I am--
eyes welling with the rare and sweeping joy
that only the wind of a coming storm can bring.
Eager for danger and electricity.

This is who I am--
bleeding words, leaking more with every pulse,
a constant purging, a gentle dying.
The only way I know to live.

poem for a spring walk, in three movements

The warm road beneath my bare
And too-long-still feet,
The sunshine on my back so fresh
I can feel the freckles forming,
The way the trees and sky
Create each other bluer, greener--
And the budding,
Steady like a beating heart--
Tells me
Spring is here to stay.

This is my jungle,
This tangle of trees:
Bare trunks reaching up and up,
Then a billion needles arch their backs in the sun.
This, my jungle, is populated by squirrels who cross the road
To dash into shrubs that bloom the color of lemons.
This jungle, mine to wander and be lost in,
Punctuated with mailboxes, cars, and humanity,
Is mine, and mine, alone.

The only way to find the sky here,
Where houses fend for themselves
In acres of piney wilderness, is to stand,
In the middle
Of the road.
Isn't that about right, though?
We must all face our fear of being hit
To look into the face of God.

rise like bread

Find joy in their joy,
Their marital bliss.
It is not an accusation.

Live for now, not then,
Or them--
Those make-believe children
You'd love if you could.

Let the ache for that life just sit,
Not to harden you like concrete
But to rise like bread
Into soft, domestic reality
You'll love, and nurture, and share.

favorite place to eat

I'm with Natalie on missing the little kitchen at 205...but that felt unoriginal, so I opted for my other favorite place: Cafe Rio. For me, that'll be a pork enchilada style burrito with sweet rice, black beans, mild sauce, cheese, lettuce, and pico de gallo, please! I don't know how I'd handle a choice between heaven and Cafe Rio - so I keep hoping they're one and the same.

My heart aches, sitting here, remembering all of the times I've hopped into Tim's car and driven to IF to the sound of Our Lady Peace and the latest thoughts on his mind. Glen and Natalie were usually there too and oh, how I love these people. Sometimes I hate my life for taking me so far away, but I guess it was never really meant to last anyway.

last purchase

No, the last thing I purchased was not me. But, the last thing I purchased WAS a lot of assorted hair goo, which worked way better than expected and made my hair a little crazy! Hence the picture. Fortunately I've accepted that I will just have to practice and experiment in order to achieve casually gorgeous waves in 10 minutes. (This took way longer than 10 minutes, by the way. Maybe that's part of the problem.)

Day 8 a song to match your mood

This is tricky right now because I have to decide what my mood is. I have a habit of not owning up to the blues when I have them. The mundane kind of blues is so transient that it seems silly to give it credence by acknowledging it.

At any rate, "Belle of the Boulevard" by Dashboard Confessional keeps coming to mind, which I find interesting and unexpected. This song mourns the loss of innocence, but it also refuses to acknowledge the pain in that loss.

I'll be pondering this for a while.

Day 7 your dream wedding

Paper lanterns in lots of sizes. Strings of white Christmas lights. Some cool theme/motif that is both whimsical and edgy.

Navy blue and lime green. (I thought green bouquets were stupid until today -- but they're SO PRETTY with the navy dresses!!) Cindy as matron of honor, Deborah as bridesmaid. Tulle.

Really fun shoes -- haven't yet decided on Converses or really hot, classy heels.

Something more interesting than cake. Early spring. A FUN reception, not a dumb, boring one -- and probably outside.

Temple.

Oh, and the love of my life. Of course.

Day 6 a photo of an animal you'd love to keep as a pet

Secretly, I have a thing for out-of-the-ordinary pets. Not TOO out of the ordinary -- I don't want a monkey or anything! -- but reptiles are pretty dang cool.  Iguanas in particular look like you have a dinosaur as a pet.

Unfortunately, they're about as cuddly as dinosaurs, too. And unlike the dinos, they live for stinkin' EVER. So, I'll probably stick with my second choice:

Quiet, practical size for an apartment, cute, lives for a couple of years, and WAY more interesting than a fish. Sold.