progression

Maybe I write more when I have answers than when I have questions.

It's coming up on a month since my last post, and it seems like SO much has happened since. I went on several dates, had several entertaining and/or insightful conversations, and, sadly, maybe even broke a heart or two. I accidentally threw my healthy eating style and tidy budgeting out the window, and now I'm trying to get it back. It takes a lot of post-defenestration coaxing. I realized that I am actually pretty good at my job, and that I like that it's not very demanding. Conversely, I realized that I'm in a rut and I don't like it. I received some very strong criticism from someone I consider my friend. I'm still working through my thoughts and feelings on this, and praying hard.

It's moments like these that make me realize just how essential it is to turn to Heavenly Father. It's been a month of having my weaknesses shoved down my throat, as again and again, I've essentially tied my own noose. God is unchanging and everpresent, but if all I'm doing is checking off my obedience list instead of truly giving Him my heart, then I have turned from Him and am not allowed to be a part of His work.

And I want to be a part of His work, so badly. Joy that lasts, the trust of good people, the sense of accomplishment that comes with the smallest thing done on the Lord's behalf. That is what I want my lifeto be full of, not snarky, alienating commentary I don't even really mean.

But I'm not sure how to do it.

When I had little to no self-esteem, the right choice was almost always "assert yourself!" "be bolder!" "you are wonderful just the way you are!!" Now it's become "woah now, Sara," "please be more sensitive," and "for pity's sake, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!!" The switch has left me reeling.

I worry that if I choose to be sensitive to others, I will lose the respect for myself I have worked SO hard to acquire. I don't know how to be forthright and sensitive without being judgmental and manipulative. I really don't. I'm not much one to do anything halfway.

But I think it's Satan that sets up a false either/or like that, and I can't use my past self-deprecation as a hook to hang my current poor choices, though that is very tempting. So I just...turn to Heavenly Father. I pray for a softened heart and opened eyes, for forgiveness, for humility. It's not easy -- in fact it's downright scary, because the possibility lingers there that I will loose the good things I've gained as I try to get rid of the bad things that have latched on. Damaging the ship as I scrape off the barnacles, if you know what I mean.

I like that metaphor though, because it's a little silly to think that scraping off barnacles is going to sink a well-built ship. In fact, isn't NOT scraping them off actually what jeopardizes the ship's integrity?

So, I try to be brave, and remember what a dear and wise friend told me once: you always keep the best things, but you don't gain anything by resisting progression.

a house of glory

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a new apartment.

Pictures are forthcoming, but let me just say, I AM SO EXCITED.

I really hope to make this a home...I think Natalie (my sweet, fun new roommate) and I are going to have a long talk after we unpack and get settled. House rules, goals, expectations, that kind of thing. I told her today that we were going to have the kind of apartment where as soon as you walk in, you feel the Spirit. She's totally on board with me there, for which I feel particularly blessed.

A passage in the Doctrine and Covenants keeps coming to mind as I ponder all of this...in dedicating the Kirtland temple, the prophet Joseph Smith prays that it will be a house of prayer and faith and learning and order. He prays that the comings and goings of the people there will be blessed, that it will be obvious to whoever enters it that it is a house of God.

I want that for my new apartment. And I think we can do it.

Have I mentioned that I'm excited?

praise in the storm

(Today's title brought to you by this song.)

Today I am grateful for...

1. The fact that forgiveness is always the right choice.
2. New, cute apartments and roommates.
3. The temple.
4. Good hair.
5. Prayer.
6. The way God comes to find me if I go too far away from Him.
7. Chris's help in teaching me to value what I have to offer.
8. The hope that while I may not understand some things now, I will understand them later.
9. The way that a night of weeping makes you numb enough to function the next day.
10. The Atonement.

"Be not deceived, Wormwood; our cause is never more in jeopardy than when a human, no longer desiring but still intending to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe in which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys." This quote is from C. S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, and I aspire to it. But I'm not there yet.

Or rather, I don't live there yet; I visit it, like a spa, and find brief times of clarity and peace. I want to live there, but I don't think the heart is meant to live in a spiritual spa anyway.

It's all part of grief, I guess. The fierce disappointment and the circuitous questions that march through my brain like a colony of fire ants. The way that pain shows me who I am -- the paradox of the subordinately divine.

I just miss him. The way he made me laugh, the funny faces he made when he was thinking, or confused. The way he'd go on and on about chemical engineering, and then be kind of baffled that I had let him. Mostly though, I miss the way that I felt really treasured in the first weeks we started dating. I don't understand what changed.

But I'm trying to be like my Savior anyway.

miracles

"And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them...but Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart."

I haven't blogged in a while, because my heart has been so full of questions, and yet, strangely full of purpose. I haven't figured out how to reconcile that into words.

I will say though, that I believe in miracles.

I believe in a God who loves perfectly. I believe in my ability to change, and I believe in His ability to soften hearts and appeal to agency. I believe in being okay, even when things don't make sense. I believe in hope through Christ and His transcendent power. I believe in progress, in eternity, in friendship.

I believe in impossible things, because as we see in the scriptures, Heavenly Father is in the business of the impossible.

I've also seen that over and over in recent weeks, here and now. With a new medication, one friend's life expectancy may have just doubled or tripled to the "normal" range, something that in 10 years of friendship, we've never really dared to seriously consider. Another friend is getting married, soon, driven by a level of faith and happiness and integrity that would have been unthinkable a few months ago. A new friend realized she's met the love of her life and is determined to keep him forever. An old friend will finish grad school in June with a shiny new MBA and another store of incredible friends and memories. Someone very dear to me just got into grad school, something he's worked toward since high school but never quite believed he'd achieve.

If these aren't miracles, I don't know what is. So I keep them, and ponder them in my heart.

bagels

I finally figured out the real reason I haven't been making bread.

It got kinda boring.

Bread has always been this mysterious concoction of deliciousness to me, so once I figured out I could actually do it, I think I sorta lost interest.

So instead I made tortillas (which were delicious) and today, I made bagels.

And they were the bomb.

a different kind of prodigal

I can tell I'm slowly pulling myself together.

Having discussed it with Heavenly Father, we decided that I'm allowed to take it slow...that I could inspect and address my heartache a little bit at a time, so that when I am not handling my hurt I can function as normally as possible.

In exchange, I have to keep becoming better.

For example, I have been studying a wonderful talk by Elder Holland on the parable of the prodigal son. And not actually on the younger son, either -- the older one. The one who stayed home to work on the farm like he was supposed to, and feels angry and taken-for-granted when his ridiculous brother gets a party just for showing up.

One thing I've learned from this talk is that it isn't possible to have more than everything, and everything is precisely what Heavenly Father offers us, prodigal and faithful sons alike. It's the story in Matthew 19, where the part-day laborers get paid the same as the all-day laborers who worked for a greater amount of time and in less favorable circumstances. Christ shared this parable after His disciples asked what they were going to receive for forsaking everything and following Him.

It's almost like He said, "exactly what I promised -- and no, not a thing more."

We shouldn't labor in the kingdom our whole lives expecting some greater reward than our neighbors who struggle to figure out what we are blessed to intuitively understand. We should labor in the kingdom for the joy of the work, and out of an understanding that we are blessed with the opportunity to labor in Heavenly Father's kingdom -- that this opportunity is our reward.

I'm not very good at remembering that. It's easier for me to understand that the gospel makes us different, and if people can't tell that we're different, we're doing something wrong. It's easier for me to understand that I am meant to be a teacher, and as such it's part of who I am to persuade people to be better and use my words to remind them of truth. The downside of this is that I look down on people sometimes. Plus, I try to teach them things that they can only learn on their own, and then I get frustrated and forget who they really are.

I'm trying to realize that so long as each of us become who we need to become, we're all going to be fine -- whether that's after a course of riotous living, or when it's finally time to inherit the farm and "all the robes in the closet and every ring in the drawer." We're not rivals. No one is perfect, and that puts us all on the same team. We are brothers and sisters, and we should (and can learn to be) excited that everyone gets an equal pay, regardless of the length of their workday. We should and CAN LEARN TO BE excited that the rewards of our current righteousness can be opportunities, now, to build the kingdom in our own particular way.

It's really hard for me to see people missing those opportunities though. It's like I think, "hellooooo, Dad has work for you to do, would you please get with the program?" or "I am just too busy helping Dad to hang out with you -- why don't you come help too, and then we can be together!" Or, I think what it really boils down to... "Is spending all of your inheritance money really more important to you than...me?"

But I have learned a lesson over and over in the last year or so, and that lesson is this: it is never the wrong thing to forgive someone. Someone misled you? Someone hurt someone you love? Someone assumed the worst of you? Someone didn't collaborate in your happy future plans?

Forgive them. Love them anyway.

I am still a credit to the kingdom even if someone I love -- anyone, really -- chooses to be somewhere else instead of at home, helping me do Father's work. I bet the brother who stayed home missed his brother every day, and there were some days he wanted to take a break from working the farm, just to go spend time with him. I certainly feel that way sometimes. Regardless, the older brother still deserved his Father's gentle rebuke for his anger and fear.

When it comes down to it, I wander from home too, outwardly or inwardly, and that wandering doesn't change the personal responsibility that I have to obey anyway. Each hardship, each painful result of my wandering, has shown me my weaknesses. Working through each weakness reveals to me the unfailing love of Jesus Christ. I can't fault anyone else for going through that process, too, and the fact that I do sometimes is just one more way I need to come to Christ.

blip on the radar

Good news: I'm not dead!

I just haven't felt much like writing. It would have been much the same as what I've already written lately. I'm still just...doing my best, one day at a time.

In happy news, Sariah came to visit me today! We went to Temple Square and talked about boys and climbed inside the dryer. (Yes, you read that right. Pictures forthcoming.)

All in all, it was a huge blessing that she came. When 90% of your friends have known you for about a month, it's so nice to just relax with someone you grew up with, knowing already that she loves you just the way you are.

good morning beautiful

One of the best feelings in the world is that moment when you first wake up in the morning and you realize that you're inside you're own head...and you're okay with that.

That was my first feeling this morning, a patient sort of contentment. "Oh, hello again, consciousness. What are we going to do today?"

This sort of equanimity is hard-earned and hard to keep, so I spent the morning listening to Christian music and making wheat tortillas (because, alas, I am out of yeast.) I also went to the store to pick up oranges and juice, because I think I am getting a cold -- a result of my recent neglect.

I had a lovely morning, and it is such a blessing, having moments like this.

survival mode

As I told Cindy this morning, I'm in survival mode. I never actually made bread the other day. And I need to do laundry. And (perhaps worst of all) I'm running on 6 hours of sleep. I've just been so...distracted. Just doing other things.

Don't get me wrong: it is a good thing to be distracted sometimes and let a few things slide. I am a believer in appropriate escapism. And right this moment, life is not particularly easy: I miss Chris. We are still doing our best to be (and become) the Christlike people we are meant to be, and trying to appropriately encourage each other in this effort. In my best moments, I feel really good about this. In other moments, I just worry. Not knowing for sure how things are going to go can really burden your heart, especially when the outcome matters so much to you.

With all that going on, I think it's good to spend some time just sort of...resting. I skype with Rachel, and play board games with my roommate, things I enjoy. What I do NOT enjoy, however, is staying awake until 3am and forgetting to eat and neglecting to write in my journal and letting my room get messy. These are the things that are the hardest to manage when I am struggling, and yet carefully managing these things makes the struggle so much more bearable.

I'm trying to find a balance between being gentle on myself and tightening my belt to handle the onslaught of temptation I'm facing. Because it is a temptation: to give up, to despair, to just throw my hands in the air and quit. Whenever we are at the verge of something amazing, Satan goes into overdrive and we're left asking, "What did I do??" (The answer to that is, ironically, "everything you should have." That's just how it works.)

Taking that into account, my main focus right now is just maintaining my spirituality. I go to church on Sunday, and to the temple on Wednesday. I study Conference talks and the scriptures. I pray, often. (Oh, and I helped Cindy unpack today. That was fun!)

I guess the take-home message of this is when life is hard, be as good to yourself as you can. Our dearest friends are the ones who give us hugs, dry our tears, and tell us it is going to be okay, yes. But they are also the ones who tell us to go to bed, bring us real food, and remind us to pray.

We have to be good friends to ourselves, too. We're never going to exist outside of our own heads, so we might as well learn to like it in there. So try something new -- try to forgive yourself for not being such a great friend.

Then, do better.

the care and keeping of sara

I've kind of slacked off in the last couple of weeks. When people ask what I'm up to, I say, "Oh, just working, taking really good care of myself..." But to tell you the truth, I really ought to be treating myself better than I have been in recent days. I caught myself casually thinking rather dismal thoughts today, and that is just not who I am meant to be.

So after work today, I am going to make bread.

That might seem pretty silly to you, but for me, it's not. The quiet, methodical nature of it, as well as the high nutritional value, makes it the perfect gesture of love for myself. I'm so excited at the idea of eating homemade wheat bread and fresh spinach. Mmmmm...

I think it's important to be excited to come home from work and hang out with...me. As an adult, I have much greater responsibilities -- and joys -- than I did in the previous twenty years of my life, and I have to be at my best in order to accomplish them. It sounds weird to say that consistantly showing myself love is an essential part of functioning at my best, but it is.

So, I make bread. I journal. I read Conference talks. I breathe deeply. I attend the temple. I stand up straight. I listen to KLOVE. I go to bed early. I do stretches.

And I tell the nagging little voice in my head that says "you're not pretty" and "you'll never change" and "you are not worth the effort" to just STUFF IT. Because I am a daughter of God.

I "no longer have the luxury of spending [my] energy on anything that does not lead [me and my family] to Christ," to borrow a line from Sherri Dew.  And you know what, it feels really good to expend my energy in that way. If I make a point of being good to myself, I get double benefits: I take care of myself, and I get to be proud of myself for doing so. I am happy, which means that I have happiness to share with others.

Loving myself makes me able to build the kingdom, rather than assuming that I can't possibly have anything to share and therefore not bothering to share it.

If this is something you would like to learn more about, try any of the following resources:

• "You Matter to Him," President Dieter Uchtdorf. (Really, anything by President Uchtdorf is along these lines! I think it's the theme of his ministry.)
• "Living the Abundant Life," President Thomas S.Monson
• Matthew 5:13-16
• "Someone Worth Dying For," MikesChair
• "I Am a Child of God," Mormon Messages

What do you do to show yourself love?