Rest

My to-do list has a lot of things on it, some little things, some Important things, just a bunch of stuff that needs to be taken care of. So now that I've come home from church and eaten something, I've gotten out my list.

Frankly I'm exhausted just looking at it. After about 4 minutes, I put it aside and put my head on the table -- "I need to just rest."

But the thing is, after being so busy lately, I'm having a hard time figuring out how. Life has combined today to make for windy, somewhat dreary soul-weather: too blown about to have much attention span, and not very cheerful either. How does one write a "recipe for happy" if one knows something needs done and can't quite find the oomph to go do it?

This will take some more thought.

Lent Pt. -- er -- 2.5?

I realized something, and the more I think about it, the more I agree with myself. While this makes for a really funny internal dialogue, ("I think that blah blah blah." "Wow! I totally agree with that. In my opinion, blah blah blah." "Hey, didn't I just say that?") my point still stands.

In observing Lent this year, I think God taught me something without me having any idea that He was teaching me it while it was happening: Without exception, everything about life has parts of it that are really, really hard.

It sounds cynical when I say it, but it really does have great value, especially because my real point is this--

So what?

I can still love life and love my Savior to an unfathomable degree no matter what. Everything in life has some level of drudgery and unpleasantness, but if I know that to begin with, I can avoid unrealistic expectations that will keep me from appreciating the good and joy that is in all things as well.

By always waiting for the perfectly wonderful thing around the bend, I not only neglect the good that I have now (thereby seeing only the annoying, difficult parts) but I also set myself up to be disappointed when I find the "perfectly wonderful thing" inevitably has some painful things about it. If I can reshape those expectations, though, I can be better prepared to find the good, deal with the bad, and seek God in both aspects, now and in the future.

In a nutshell, through Lent 08, God showed me that life is just plain difficult.

...But only parts of it. Mostly, if I can learn to look for it, it is blessed and beautiful.

Lent Pt. 2

I've been trying to write another post for days now. I wanted to write something about Lent, what I've learned about myself and my Savior, how it's helped me. I haven't really had any truly Brilliant flashes of Writerly Insight, but, oh well! Here it goes anyway!


My little brother said something to me in the car the other day that made me pause: "Yeah -- I'm glad to be single. I can talk to lots of girls and it's not a big deal because I don't have to stick with just one." Yeah, I thought -- why try to narrow it down so quickly? And then I started mentally. Shouldn't I take my own advice?


I think in a lot of ways we mortals narrow things down too quickly, thinking we know the only way things will work. But by doing so, we push aside inspiration that might come from walking in the dark, not lighting our own sparks.


In the 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter, I've been trying to live "moment-to-moment", taking joy in each day and not looking beyond the mark at the things I don't yet have. It's been a challenge, and still is, but I think that one of the most important things I've seen is that each day is out of my hands. That all I am given is this one moment, and even as I work to make it the best, I need to work to let it go and let Christ step in.

In a lot of ways I am still walking in the dark, still looking more at all of the things ahead than I probably should. However I think I can see a little better that everything has its hard parts, no matter what, and so it is our responsibility as God's children to see Him in all things.

So here's to learning to do that, one moment at a time.

Poetry

these days
when the quiet mind is least appreciated
with its whispered questions,
echoes their only answer

I, for once, turn to physical reality
peanut butter
blueberry tea
the perfect pants
(and shirt)
laughter on the phone
bright tissue boxes
the murmer of the radio

I, the thinking girl,
often alone with her thoughts and
rather liking it that way, usually,
Reaches toward these little joys
Forgetting, a little, what the questions were at all

Turning Inward

I was asked today about a gospel principle I find difficult to implement, and why it's a struggle.

My first thought was, "Gosh, but there's so many!"

Patience and humility have been big ones lately, though. I am trying to gratefully acknowledge my dependence on the Lord as I wait for His timing and His blessings. I think lately He is teaching me that I am completely dependent on Him ... that my joy has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him ... that there are times when I can do my part and still struggle to find peace ... that when the peace does come, I need to be grateful for His tender mercies.

If life was nothing but easy, or fun, I'd never learn anything. I know that. But it's easy to forget the easy and fun parts (or perhaps worse, think about them too much) when I'm solidly fixed in the middle of a season of learning. Sometimes it's hard to imagine that I will miss this, sitting at work passing the time between phone calls, going home to my family and all the things I don't have to figure out how to pay for. And then I realize I will miss it, and am exhausted just at the thought of going to school full-time, and working part-time, and still being expected to carry my burdens on my own, to doggedly keep seeking the Lord even when His hand is not obvious to my lonesome, fearful, mortal eyes.

But I like to believe there's some kind of middle ground there...that I can live, moment-to-moment, enjoying all of the love that surrounds me, bravely facing the difficulties before me, and knowing that I will be blessed in the future. I can't see the bigger picture with these mortal eyes, and while I could imagine it, the possibilities are so endless and varied that I don't find it very useful to do so. I keep walking, trusting -- hoping -- that if I'm getting off on the wrong path, He'll let me know, and that if He's not saying that, it means that I'm headed toward something too beautiful to imagine. I wish I could step less hesitantly, but God knows me. He understands. So I leave it to the Lord to show me what I need to see, here, now, and I try to accept that sometimes the Lord simply leads us through darkness, as we turn inward to Him for our light.

To commemorate my 51st post

DUMB PUN ALERT! DUMB PUN ALERT!

"bridle all your passions" ... "BRIDAL all your passions"

HOW FITTING!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Bucket List

1. Fall in love. Really in love, not "I'm lonely" love, or "I'm bored" love. I want "you are my best friend" love, "we are a team no matter what" love. I want to admire someone deeply as a person, to know I am so blessed to get to spend my time now and forever with them. Anything else just wouldn't be enough.

2. Travel. Gosh, just EVERYWHERE, especially Europe and Central / South America and all over the US though those are by no means the only places. I want to see the things I've only read about, only seen pictures of. I want to see God; the world is so BIG and too many of us experience very little of it. I want to love it all.

3. Learn. I am so blessed to be pursuing my college degree right now, but I by no means plan for that to be the end of it. I want to continue to take classes...pottery, fencing, automotive, lots of things. I want to be certified as a massage therapist, and certified for first aid, and maybe to be a lifeguard, too! And of course, I want to learn more about how I, personally, can be a better, more connected child of God.

4. Write. Working on this latest story has gotten me so fired to write, as much as I can. I think it's interesting that the more I love writing for the simple creative act, the more I think about publishing someday. Not even because I want to necessarily share my writing, but just that, I guess, our babies -- all of them -- are meant to go out into the world at some point and stand on their own. So I want to write books and love myself and God a little more because of it.

5. Be beautiful. Now, I want to point out that this actually overlaps with the other ones. I don't just mean "be a size 2 and have amazing skin and hair and the perfect manicure all the time and perfect teeth and lasik surgery." That's looking "beautiful" -- notice the quotes, by the way. I want to BE beautiful, and to me, that's kind of the opposite. I want to be satisfied with who I am as God created me, with the humility to change and the courage to stand firm. I want to be happy with how my life has turned out, where I'm heading, and what I'm doing in the meantime to prepare for that. I want a beautiful life, full of love and adventure (even on just a small scale) and learning and God, and I want that beauty to come out in who I am.

And that, friends, is my bucket list as of today. I expect my dreams and aspirations to expand, to become more detailed, to change. We'll just have to see.

More Metaphors

I have this unexplained weakness for metaphors (especially kinda odd ones, apparently.) Maybe it's akin to my weakness for stupid puns; I'm not sure. Nonetheless, I am quite fond of both and although I know I'm going to disappoint you by not listing off all the dumb jokes I've made lately, I do have two metaphors to share, one probably kinda odd, the other not. I came up with them last night and they were so helpful to my soul-weather that I thought I'd share.

Odd one first, since I know you're dying to hear it -- but it does take a little background information. I've been in a terrible funk for oh, a week, maybe two? This was particularly discouraging (and a little scary, to tell you the truth) considering I'd been on such a high spiritual level for a week or two before that. It was like all at once I got really tired of putting as much work as I needed to into being happy, and was really thrown-off by that. To get around it, I've tried to keep busy -- not terribly hard when you work full-time, write, and hang out with your family. But it was the moments that ordinarily would be spent in quiet gratitude to the Lord that I spent being, well, pretty miserable, for no real reason that I could put my finger on. Fortunately, I have no "big trials" in my life right now, just little things that keep me on my toes. So why on earth was I such a wreck?

I see now that perhaps my 100% effort changed, for whatever reason, and I was left needing the Lord more than I expected, or was prepared to do. In all of my questing to be happy and grateful and especially humble, I think that things got a little misplaced. Two pages through my journal last night, I decided that I've been saying

I will gratefully acknowledge my complete dependence on Thee,

rather than

I will gratefully acknowledge my complete dependence on Thee.

Ironic, isn't it? In all of my struggle and work, I lost track of the fact that I'm struggling and working to let go. Of my heart, my happiness, my day-to-day doings, and let God take them into His infinitely more capable hands, because obviously I don't even have the power to create my own happiness. Instead of being mad at Him for not letting me to it myself, there are times when I really do need to just let Him do it for me.

It's like trying to open a pickle jar. (Isn't that an awesome metaphor??) I try and try and try but sometimes I just need Dad to do it -- although more often than not, he has me hold the jar while he turns the lid. So you needn't be surprised when I tell you that last night, I prayed "Heavenly Father, please help me to hold the jar, and let You open it, instead of trying to do it all on my own." I think He knows what I meant, don't you?

Okay, time for the less kooky metaphor. Anyone who reads my blog probably reads Cindy's, and therefore you've read this post. So if what I say here sounds a bit familiar, good, because I was thinking of her post too.

It rained again last night, a wonderful, long, heavy North-Carolina-in-spring rain. A couple of weeks ago I wrote in my journal about how we could get a hurricane, traumatic but essentially fixing the drought all at once. Or, we could get one tiny drizzle after another, agonizing but fixing the drought eventually -- but that it didn't matter, because God would provide either way. Well, considering the series of good, heavy rains we've gotten recently, I think it's safe to say that God provides rain in exactly the right way and time, and it's better than we ever expect.

That one I'll let you guys "liken unto ourselves" on your own.






....Okay, so it's not a pun, but I couldn't resist.

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer says, "Whack! Dang." A bad skydiver says, "Dang! Whack."

Go ahead! Go on! Crack up! You know you want to laugh! It's dang funny!

It's going to be a good day today. I can tell.

Editing

It breaks my heart when I work so hard on writing something and then it just doesn't work.

I worked on an e-mail at work for maybe 20 minutes, making sure it was clear and complete and not totally boring because, hey, there was a story to tell. And it was a beautiful little e-mail! The unfortuntate thing is that in a workplace environment, if it's longer than 2 sentences and from anyone under the level of president, no one really cares. I could just see it -- the annoyed expressions, the impatient skimming. It may be art, but if no one wants to read it, it doesn't really fill its purpose. I scrapped the whole thing and started over. Short, to the point, no fluff. Welcome to the business world, I guess. Sigh.

What's disgusting is that I work that hard, and in much the same way, with anything I write, including this post. Write it out, edit it as I go, go back and read it, change this, rearrange that, read it again, fix some more things. I want it to be perfect, but as a friend of mine likes to say about scrapbooking, "perfect is pretty but finished is BEAUTIFUL!"

That's why I'm letting myself write things that I don't yet like on Cindy's story. It's not nearly as satisfying as having something beautiful that I think will make it to the final draft, but it does mean the story is out there, the structure is established. It can always be polished later. (And oh, believe me, it will be.)

I can't help but think there's a larger metaphor at work here...that sometimes we have to get out there, make whatever effort we can manage in this moment, and let God ("the author and finisher of our faith") do the editing. Perfect is impossible, but finished truly is beautiful, if we have the patience and humility to gratefully accept His refining. When my heart is breaking because I've worked for so long on something and it just isn't working, sometimes I need to start over. Short, to the point, no fluff: God comes first. Then I can fill my purpose, and find effective ways to both feel and communicate His love.

A Short Guide to Happy (on a bad day)

Yesterday, in a moment of deep dissatisfaction and some sadness, I decided it would be an interesting thing to try and make a list of things that DO in fact make me happy, especially because I wasn't at the moment.

A short guide to happy
1. Choose to be happy
2. Stay busy being useful
3. Cry when you need to, smile as often as you can
4. Do things to change for the better

So today, I started with #1 and a heartfelt prayer, expecting for this simply to be a "hard season," when happiness would just have to be deferred.

And yet here, now, in this moment, I am delighted by life. I love to talk to my dad, my sister comes to sit on my bed just because, my brother and I understand each other quite well and work as a team, I am connected to my mom in a way I am learning to really appreciate, Cindy loves me even though working full-time has rendered my life quite uneventful, I have a job in which I can be useful (that's #2 on the list!), Mahon doesn't mind reading my story, I'm WRITING and it's completely eating my brain.

As for #3 and #4, I have had not NEARLY such a hard time finding things to smile about this evening, and because I am seeking them out, I know that I can change things (especially myself, through Christ) for the better. I am once again trying to live moment-to-moment, grateful to God for all that He is and all that He gives. And, as I added at the end of the same journal entry as my list, "If it's not working out, it's because the Lord has something better in mind."

There aren't even words to express how personally our God loves us. He just is that way, and today I can see that. And I am amazed.