Fragile

I've recently become aware of the fragility of this beautifully chaotic life that I lead. 

There are days, like today, when I completely crash and burn. Days that reach an internal intensity, and then snap! something brittle in me is broken. I sleep for 2 hours when I only plan to sleep for a half. I skip class. I listen to very specific music in an effort to bring a little peace into my soul. With no attention span and no motivation, I sit and think about the things I want to do, or I just don't think much at all.

A little voice in my head mumbles panicked phrases like family history of manic-depression and the like. Even now though, I know that's silly. I've seen mania and depression -- it's rather more polarized than this. No, I'm just a college co-ed who is stressed out and doesn't spend enough time seeking God. Someone who gets fed up and hasn't quite figured out how to deal with it.

I've had many, many moments recently that have left me deeply in love with this life, though. Moments when I look up, out of my window, and see the face of God, everpresent and all around me. Moments of grateful, secret prayers for the simplicity of it: I am encircled eternally in His love. 

Awww

I am such a sucker for literary romances. Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning? So sweet. John Stuart Mill and his wife, Harriet Taylor? Wow. My textbook says that "Mill claimed that she deserved equal credit for his works, calling them 'joint productions' of their intellectual life together." And he was enough of a father to the children from Harriet's first marriage that Helen, Harriet's daughter, was his companion after her mother died. Wow.

Let's just say while a dynamic like this isn't required in my marriage, it sure would be fun.

I think I really like Victorian British poetry in general. Prose is pretty hard to slog through simply because they had a different way of speaking then, but the poetry is *beautiful*.

happy birthday to me

This is my kind of birthday.

It all started at midnight when all of my neighbors started showing up to wish me happy birthday. I finally went to bed at about 12:30, and sometime between then and when I got up at 6:45, my roommates (esp Natalie, 'cause she's really good at it) decorated my apartment!

And Chelsea got me presents! And bought IBC root beer!

And then the roommates all chipped in and got me flowers!

And Ann made me a cake!

And I have like 12bizillion notifications on facebook!

And my little brother sent me a text message!

And everyone at work was really nice!

It's been wonderful. :)

River of Names

I've just finished some emotionally intense reading -- all the more emotionally intense because the story is like the author's reflection. Not quite her life, but then it is.

She's lesbian, poor Southern, sexually abused, so many things that I'm simply not. But I read her and I'm astonished and gut-wrenched and left emotionally gasping. And a part of me says, I want to write like her.

I asked my Creative Writing professor recently if it was possible to write too much from one source of inspiration, namely from one's own experiences. He said no, of course not, but I didn't believe him. But after reading Dorothy Allison's River of Names, it's easier to believe that who I am, who I really AM, without shame and without contempt, can make a compelling story.

Now, I do not come from the kind of families that Allison writes about...no incest, no gory death, nothing like the twisted emotional framework on which her stories rest. My stories don't go to the depths of horror because I've separated myself so much from the terrible things in my life that I can't separate myself from the stories. I have no desire to relive those things, to imagine the things I can't remember, to fill in the details of what I know. I don't want to know just how much those things affected who I am. I just can't write that story, not yet. But maybe someday when, as Allison says, I have a "boring, uncomplicated life [and can] write emotionally intense complicated stories," it will come out.

But I need my life to be boring in that particular aspect, to have closure on my family, the violence, the emotional abuse, the mental illness, the neglect and abandonment and drug abuse, and let it all make sense instead of just being out of sight and out of mind. That's why so much of me hopes and promises to work for a much different kind of family -- so I can make up for the family that I don't have. I think it would make a wonderful Mormon story...I suspect that's the audience that would understand my horror best.

Someday I'll be able to take my own pain out of it, and let the reader decide for themselves how they're going to deal with it. I had to figure it out; why shouldn't they?

Too Much of a Good Thing

I've come to a sad conclusion. I have too many friends.

For a lot of people, that statement is simply impossible to imagine. For someone who would much rather have very few, very close relationships, the prospect of having ties to about 20 people in about 4 different groups is profoundly daunting.

I can already see things that this would teach me, ways that this situation will expand who I am. But my comfort zone has already undergone some major readjustments lately!

Mehhh. Someone tell life to leave me alone.

There and Back Again: Postscript

"Oh my gosh!! you posted a blog!!! I just wanted to tell you that it was really beautifully put. I totally agree with you 100%. You are absolutely freakin' awesome, and I'm glad I've been lucky to have gotten to find out about it. :) That was a beautiful verse, and very interesting."

"You're so sweet to me. Thank you for being such a fabulous friend. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU! When you and Chelsea get here we are going to party it up. Oh gosh I am so excited."

I'm kind of relieved too, honestly. I've been hanging out with four of my roommates, and some boys. They've been wonderful about keeping me from being desperately lonely and bored, and really the girls can be SUCH fun to hang out with. But I'm so tired of boys! So much so that I don't even want to talk about why I'm tired of them, but it'll be so welcome to have all of my wonderful people back, and to just try my DARNDEST not to care about anyone but the people who actually know and love me and see who I am. I don't want to just "have fun". It's not enough. But I didn't know what else to do this summer, you know? And now it's almost gone and I feel like I've spent another summer doing nothing -- nothing except getting spiritually sandpapered.

But what else was I supposed to do?? I chose to burn my time and emotional energy like it was cheap. Because it was -- I didn't have anything better to do. And now I'm coming out of that, dying to make something that actually matters again. I'm ready for real life again. Parts of it may stink, but that will be okay. It's real. Not shallow or meaningless. Real and full of pain that means something, and joy that means even more.

I guess it's all part of the Lord's plan. If I come out of this with nothing but the resolution to *never* settle for anything other than the absolute best, to seek joy and not fun, to love myself wholeheartedly even when it seems like no one else will, then maybe that'll be enough. The Lord will make sure I get what I need to out of it.

Part of me wonders when I'll quit only getting what I need and get what I want too. I guess that's what I get for asking the Lord to shape my desires into His plans for me, rather than the other way around.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see, and trust the Lord to do what He needs to do to make me His.

There and Back Again

It's been a long time since I sat down to write a blog post. I've been reading over old posts and thinking things like wow, that is so true and Oh my word, I'm a completely different person now and Gosh, I can't believe that bothered me so much at the time.

And even, Why on earth is this bothering me so much now?

I don't really have an answer to that.

Sometimes when you change and it's a blooming outward, and you sail along like puffs on dandelion. Other times when you change it's root growth instead, becoming more stable and solid, and drinking deeply. Even from the storm that surrounds you. I've become more "myself" this year, more grounded on the fact that I am OK, just being me.

What is getting me lately is that sometimes, other people don't make the effort to find out how awesome I am. (That is me being really hypocritical, because of course I don't go around finding out how awesome other people are.) I know that I am pretty, and fun, and smart, and it would be nice to know that all of that is plain to everyone else. But I don't think it is.

Does buried treasure want to be hard to find?
Or does it wait, shining and lonely
For a stubborn thief to come
80 paces to the left,
wary of the booby traps,
and dig deep
To find the gem whose price is far above rubies?

I just wrote that, but in the process I did a web search to make sure I was quoting Proverbs 31 correctly. Interestingly enough, I found someone else's blog post. She said that she always thought the scripture should say diamonds instead of rubies, but then she did some research and found out that rubies are actually even more precious than diamonds -- more rare, and one of truly excellent quality will sell for even three times more than a diamond of the same quality. Then, she found a definition of "virtuous", and her paraphrase is what caught my eye:

"Good,righteous, pure, kind, benevolent, generous, strong thru wisdom, grace and fear of God, conforming to what is right and just…….seldom sought."

Go figure.

One of my roommates is getting ready for a mission, and she's going to be wonderful at it. She was just now -- literally just now -- saying that she once really worried about being in the MTC, being able to make all of those connections with the scriptures. "I'm just not good at that!" she said. "But the thing is that every scripture I've read in preparation for Preach My Gospel says 'have the Spirit with you and the Lord will do the rest.' And I can do that! I may stink at the technical stuff, but I can sure be obedient!"

I love roommates, especially ones that are in tune with the Spirit and say exactly what I need them to, while having no idea that they did it.

In much the same way, I can really stink at the technical aspect of showing people just how awesome I am. But I can feel the Spirit, and seek to keep it in my life, guiding my heart. And anything that pulls me away from that simply isn't worth it.

I'm amazed by how different my life is when I'm at home and when I'm at school. Here I have a job I love, I am surrounded by my peers, and I'm really independent. At home, I have a job that pays more, Cindy is a 20-30 minute car ride away instead of a several-hour plane ride away, and I get to spend time with my family.

The difference I've noticed most lately, however, is the way in which I deal with my problems. They're not really big problems, not when I stop to think about it. I miss my best friend. I have no idea how the Lord will make His plans for me happen. I'm swamped by school. Things like that.

But it's times when those problems seem so big that drive me back to the Lord. I'm glad for these times, the ones that force me to take a step back and ask for God's will instead of my own. It's then that I'm astonished by how deeply He knows me, personally. That He sends a thunderstorm in high desert Idaho to remind me that I am loved. These are the times when I can only be grateful for the dull ache in my heart -- grateful that I have things that I love so much that it hurts when they're gone. Grateful to have experienced them at all, and that there are bound to be even better things around the next bend.

another update in the life of Sara

There isn't much to tell today...just two things really. One, we have 6 girls in our apartment now, with Cindy here visiting and our last roommate, Kaitlyn, here for 2nd block. Kaitlyn is a brand-new freshman. In fact, she just graduated high school on Saturday! She seems really sweet, although a little bewildered to be dumped into the thick of things. I think it'll be fun.

And then there's the reason I decided to write this e-mail...

Every Monday night 2 girls' apartments and a guys' apartment meet together and have a little spiritual thought and play a game and have treats, and it's really fun. There are also two people chosen -- a guy and a girl -- to lead our little family-away-from-home. The guy group leader is really cute and seems nice, and his name is Clint.

Now, a little bit of backstory, which you may or may not already know: I was going to take a business class, but I dropped it early on in the semester. In order to still be a full-time students, I had to replace the credits that I'd dropped. So I signed up for a Dating, Courtship and Engagement class, which has actually proved to be really interesting. And then...it got more interesting.

My current assignment, for a grade, is to ask someone on a date.

It was actually really funny. I got the assignment today, you know, Monday. So I told everyone all about my assignment (my tone was filled with exasperation, I assure you!) and told them I was going to ask Clint. So we went to Family Home Evening and played fun games and such, but I could never manage to get Clint by himself!!!!! I was frustrated and going to have a hernia. But, fortunately, my roommates talked me into calling him over from the balcony and telling him that as my Family Home Evening "dad", I felt like it was an OK thing to ask him to help me with my homework.

So! I have a date with a really cute boy on Tuesday at 7! Not tomorrow, but next week. We're going to make pizza and play games and maybe go to the park if it's sunny and all that jazz. Honestly he gave me a little bit of a funny look when I asked him, but we'll see how it goes. And after all, I ROCK!!! Because I asked a cute boy out on a date!!! :)

Now, because I have a slightly-odd assignment, I am giving YOU a slightly odd assignment. I need get-to-know-you questions! I would really love to make this a really fun and "I want to be your friend" kind of date, but I have a hard time with this kind of thing. If you were a cute boy, what could I do to make you really comfortable? PLEASE HELP!

And with that, I am off to get ready for bed. Love to ya! :)

update #2

Hello again! I *loved* getting all the replies that I did to my last little update...it's wonderful to hear that things are going well for all of you. So thank you for writing back to me, and please, continue to do so! :)

I think I'm going to do things a little differently this time and go in reverse chronological order. Maybe it's because I spend 4 hours of very weekday looking at resumes, maybe it's because I'm tired, but whatever the case, that just seems like the easiest thing.

This Sunday and the Sunday before I've practiced with the church choir. We sound great and it's fun to realize that, even though I sang alto for a choir class the past two semesters, I can still get to that high F with a little warm up! We're doing a song with a rather high soprano part, but I think once we all get the hang of it, it'll be really pretty. I was also asked to direct the music for the women's meeting every Sunday. It's a very low-stress kind of calling, plus I get some more practice with my 3/4s and 4/4s and such! I just really enjoy singing; my roommates humor me when I walk around the apartment singing whatever happens to be in my head, I listen to music (turned up loud) while I do homework, I love to take car trips with the stereo going and everyone singing along. It's just a good thing.

Speaking of car trips though, yesterday SO fun -- and it explains why I'm tired today, and slightly sunburnt. I did put on sunscreen, by the way, I just missed a spot or two. About an hour north of Rexburg, within the Targee National Forest, is Mesa Falls. Natalie and Chelsea and I drove up there yesterday, and none of us had been there before so we didn't know what to expect.There's a picture attached -- it was so beautiful. The funny thing is that there's enough snow up there over the winter -- like 8 feet! -- that even at the end of May, with 80 degree weather, there was a ton of snow! Every time we got too hot, we'd start a snowball fight, in our shorts and t-shirts. It was great -- there's a picture of me in the snow attached too. The waterfall itself was splendid. The smell of misty wet air, plus pine, plus the sound of waterfall...ahhh. The only thing that would have made it better would be if Cindy Lynn had been there with us. But fortunately she'll be here THIS WEEK, and I'll get to hang out with my best friend for three weeks STRAIGHT. It's going to be wonderful.

This week my supervisor, Barbara, came in to observe me at work. I've been working on my own (without Rachel, my trainer) since 9th, but Friday was the first time that Barbara has seen me in action. And she said I did great! "I'm saying kind of nit-picky things, but you did so great that they're really the only things I have to tell you! You have a handle on it that some new mentors don't ever get their first semester, but you've totally got it already." I was so glad to know that she thought I was doing a good job! I really love my job. There are certainly days when I wish I could sleep for another hour or two, or some appointments that are like pulling teeth to get people to understand, but overall I'm really fortunate. I'm basically teaching life skills to people...the things I teach them could help them to get the jobs they really want, to support their families. That's so cool.

Classes are going well, too. I had a presentation in Spanish and got way more anxious about it than I should have. I had to speak totally in Spanish, but since I was aloud to notes it was completely fine. Plus the class was really good about participating and answering questions. I was the very first person in class to present, because I wanted to get it over with, and my professor, Brother Widdison, said I really set a high standard for the rest of the class. I'm satisfied with the effort I put in. Oh, and get this -- no one was really aware of this before, but Brother Widdison said recently that the readings get progressively harder as the semester goes along. So I'm REALLY glad I got my presentation over and done with! Spanish class is a lot of work to begin with; why would I want to translate, understand, and then present a particularly hard story? Oh -- and then I also gave a presentation in my Dating, Engagement and Courtship class. To those of you who helped me with that, THANK YOU! It went really well and was very relaxed because we had a "panel of experts" -- people who had written papers and conducted interviews on the toped -- so it wasn't like it was just me. I think the class (including yours truly) got a lot out of the experience.

Let's see, I also went on a date recently. My roommate Caitie has a boyfriend, Doug, and they set me up with one of Doug's former roommates. It actually ended up being a triple date because one of Doug's current roommates and his fiancee were there too. We had dinner at Doug's apartment (it was soo yummy) and then the plan was that we'd all go to a movie afterwards. However, my date, Anselmo, had to go to work, and I had homework to do anyway, so we were just going to part ways after dinner. I thought that everyone else could just drop me off at home at the way to the movie -- but then Anselmo offered to drive me home! He was very much a gentleman, opening the car door for me, walking me up to the door of my apartment. If it hadn't been for the fact that there were 6 people at dinner, the conversation would have dragged. But, in the car and walking me to my apartment, Anselmo and I chatted and it was great fun. Chelsea, my roommate, was so funny -- she was in her room when she heard us come in, so she decided to "get a drink" and see what my date looked like! He was very very cute, by the way, Brazilian at that. But since there wasn't any big **chemistry** or anything, I'm neither surprised nor disappointed that I haven't heard from him since our date. All in all it was just a good experience ...there really ARE nice guys around here! ...And for the record, there are some cute guys in my classes, and at church, but no one that I know very well. But I'll be sure to keep you posted.

And I think that's it! As you can see, life is going really well -- busy, but excellent. And it'll be just about PERFECT when Cindy gets here for her visit! I'll be able to tell you all about that in my next letter. In the meantime, however, please fill me in on how your life is going. I look forward to hearing from you!