Changes, Pt. 3: Single

Metaphor of the Day: "Hope" is the thing with feathers / That perches in the soul-- / And sings the tune without the words-- / And never stops--at all--

Emily Dickinson

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This blog is a resource for how I can be happy in spite of the stressful things in my life. Looking over the things about which I've written, I realize that so much has changed.

Even in just the last 3 months, I've learned an incredible amount -- particularly about forming healthy attachments. Due to some hard childhood stuff, I spend a lot of my time "emotionally snacking" in relationships, because not asking for a lot is much, much safer. On the other hand, when I finally feel safe with someone, I tend to "emotionally gorge". It's exhausting in its intensity, and unhealthy. My homework assignment: find the middle ground. I need to realize, essentially, that people aren't automatically going to be completely unreliable, and therefore it's OK for me to take risks. And even if they are unreliable, that's OK, because I can be emotionally satiated, not starving.

Sometimes, being single is hard. It's easy to blame a lack of dates on my body type, or my introversion, or what-have-you. It's easy to want a boyfriend because he would be a convenient, reliable resource of love. I'm learning, however, that I have a lot of resources for love: all of my roommates, many of my neighbors, my family, a handful of awesome guys, etc etc. So not only can I be single, I can enjoy it, because I am emotionally satisfied and not clamoring at one person to fill those needs. It's fabulous to realize.

On the other hand, I have this internal debate going about whether or not it's OK to need people. I try really, really hard to be a strong person; I try not to "need" people, whether that effort is subconscious or otherwise. When it comes down to it, yes, people just need people:

God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.

Spencer W. Kimball

But...you mean I have to rely on other people to help me, even though they may have no interest in doing so? What happens if I get used to them helping me, and then they stop? Where does that leave me? Well...it leaves me with a whole lot of other people who are willing and able to fill in the space. However, someday, aren't I supposed to learn how to love someone enough that they can't be replaced?

I took a close look at my soul the other day. Do I think I'm loveable? Do I really believe that someone is going to love me forever and ever, for just being me? The honest answer was -- no, I don't believe it. I think he'll leave before he gets a chance to see who I really am, deep down, flaws and all.

I hate thinking it's impossible to have that kind of love in my life. So I'm trying to do something about it. It feels a little like flailing around in the dark for a lightswitch that may or may not be there. Maybe the best I can do is a flashlight, or a candle. Whatever the case, I trust that the way will be made clear. Maybe it will be like being introverted -- it's something that never really goes away, but I found coping methods. Or maybe it will be like a sin, repented of, where I shed it like old skin and a new person is exposed, stronger, better, more like God.

I guess we'll just have to see?

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Hearing: not a lot to lean on, I'm looking for a light to find my place in this world
Feeling: weary

Changes, Pt. 2: Measure of Beauty

Metaphor of the Day: Being around a beautiful girl is like having a pet boa constrictor: a bit dangerous, but it's fun, so who cares?

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This blog was to be a searchable, categorized resource for how I can be happy in spite of the stressful things in my life. Looking over the things about which I've written, I realize that so much has changed.

Some things, though, don't change that much.

The Long and Short of It

I still feel most like myself when I look in the mirror and see short hair. For one thing, I just have the face for it. For another thing, I've had short hair ever since I started thinking of myself as an adult. When I cut it short for the first time, I had recently acquired my first full-time job and was in the process of fading out of the Young Women's program and into singles' ward. I left home for the first time not long after that, to come to school in Idaho. My college friends have no concept of what I look like with long hair.

In short (no pun intended), a pixie haircut has become a part of who I am over the last three years. But at the same time, I have become who I am over the last three years. I'm a little scared to grow it out again, in the same way I was a lot scared to cut it short. What if it's just not me? I don't really have an answer to that.

I Could Not Ask for More

Another thing that hasn't changed very much is my concept of my body shape. Let's face it: I am not a tiny person. And sometimes, that's hard. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and have to close my eyes. The mirror we keep in the hallway of our apartment stretches you just enough to be flattering, without you really noticing that it's doing it. You just feel attractive. There are days that I hate that mirror. I feel pretty when I look in it, but we all know it's lying. So am I not pretty?

I don't say this to throw myself a pity party. Every day I have to firmly say, Sara, stop comparing yourself to them, yes, but that doesn't mean I don't feel pretty a lot of the time. I try to take good care of myself. I could do better, be better, look better. But it could be a lot worse, too. I'm very healthy, so I have a lot to be grateful for. I just have to remind myself of that a lot.

To See or Not to See? That is the Question.

In addition, I discovered a couple of years ago that I simply have Really. Big. Eyes. It's mostly the whites of them that are big, but whatever the case, it's earned me a long-standing comparison with lemurs. I don't find the comparison to a lower primate to be particularly flattering, but I do enjoy that other people notice that I have big eyes. It's part of the Disney Princess standard of beauty.

It annoyed me for a long time that I wear glasses. Sure, they frame my eyes, but since I'm nearsighted, they also make my eyes look smaller. Why on earth would I want that?! Plus, I have no concept of what I actually look like without glasses. I toy with the idea of contacts for about two months out of every year ("toy with" here meaning "tell everyone I know that I am DEFINITELY going to get them this year").

This year is no different in that regard, but in another way, something has changed. Firstly, Cindy was a doll and did a photo shoot with me here in town; a few of the pictures included me without glasses. I like these pictures -- mostly. Secondly, I've met two particular girls. One is in my relief society, another was in a class. They, too, have ridiculously large eyes, but neither of them wear glasses. Looking at them, and at myself in these pictures, I'm not sure that Huge Eyeballs are the way to go. It's a little weird to look at the thing that you rejected out of vanity, and wonder if they might actually contribute to your appearance. I'm over contacts -- ask me again in a year.

What (Not) To Wear

When I first arrived in college, my personal style was a disaster. I was tired of hiding, so believe me, I didn't! My typical attire involved messy short hair, bright mismatched layers, drawn-on Converses (and jeans), the works! Cindy was wonderfully patient with me and my fashion choices, and so I gradually got over it. Then I worked in a very professional job for a year, and for a long time just really enjoyed collared shirts, skirts, slacks, neutral colors, and high heels.

My current style is a combination of the two extremes. I currently favor skirts with Converses, collared shirts, bright colors, and slightly messy hair. However, I also acknowledge that my personal style is not so personal at all; it is very much affected by the tastes of whomever I happen to be hanging out with most. This annoys me, but 2 Christmases ago Cindy wrote an entire short story for me to remind me that the people around us are just as much a part of who we are as the choices we actively make. So I try to be OK with it, and try to keep figuring out what I like best.

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On my bathroom wall, I have a picture of Jesus. As silly and incongruous as it sounds, I made a speech bubble for him, written in marker:

"You are always beautiful to me."

All this post really says is that I don't know how to be happy in regards to my physical appearance. However, Christ's love for me is never unsure, never changes. So this is what I keep coming back to, in the end.

Affirmation: I Did Something With My Week

I can just see it now.

"Sara! How was your week?"

"It was great!"

"Yeah? What did you do?"

"Ummmm. Nothing?"

"Oh..."

In order to avoid this embarrassment, this is what I did this week, for my own reference as much as for anyone else's curiosity:

Sunday: Church. Particularly, I got to see how church is going to work for the summer session: our stake is split in half, and each half is consolidated into one ward. Next week (as in the 9th), I get to teach Relief Society to a bunch of people I don't know. I'm not really bothered by this. Well, maybe just a teeny tiny bit.

Monday: Way fun FHE @ Brother Marshall's house. Just a barbeque and chatting -- including everyone there sharing their most embarrassing moment. Mine? First Sunday of ever being away to college, I bore my testimony in a Southern accent even though I don't really have one because the guys would think it was cute. Barf.

Tuesday: Wedding shopping with Ann and her mom in IF. We spent like 8 hours there, but we got a TON of stuff done, including finding Ann's dress! She is SO beautiful in it! Even more so than she is ordinarily, which is saying something. :)

Wednesday: Fasting. I learned amazing things that I'm trying to put into my life. Optimistically speaking, you can expect a post about it later. Pessimistically speaking, I might as well tell you know it's about love -- both giving and receiving.

Thursday, Friday and Saturday: A little bit of everything...

• Helped tie bows on Ann's wedding announcements which was kind of a pain, but Ann is worth it!
• Read Book 1 & 2 of Paradise Lost, which is astoundingly good, but also disconcerting since Satan is cast as this really cool epic character who you want to like.
• Also watched a couple of movies, one of which is this allegorical kid's movie narrated by Ringo Starr. Random, I know! Oh, and I figured out what was wrong with the VCR all by myself. that was pretty cool.
• Katelyn saved my life by hanging out with me instead of letting me talk to the walls.
• Cleaned my apartment, which is always easier to do when you're dead bored.
• And, as usual, goofed around on facebook.

Sunday: Church, of course. I gave my blog a makeover, as you can see. Also, the carpet cleaners are coming, as previously mentioned, so I relocated my entire living room into my tiny kitchen. Cindy, thank you for letting me hang on to your little fridge. It's the only reason I'm going to be able to eat tomorrow, since the big one is totally blocked off now.

Oi Vey.

This WAS my living room. (Trash can for scale.) And this WAS my kitchen, until I moved everything all by myself. The carpet cleaners are coming...but I think I'd rather have dirty carpet.

Changes, Pt. 1: Introversion

Metaphor of the Day: Introversion is like having to ask the participants of the Running of the Bulls to take a number and form an orderly line.

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The original purpose of this blog was to be a searchable, categorized resource for how I can be happy in spite of the stressful things in my life. Looking over the things about which I've written, I realize that so much has changed. For example, introversion was once a huge part of my self-definition. Now, it has all but faded into the background.

Two years ago, I rejoiced in knowing that God made me an introvert on purpose, no matter how hard that might be for me sometimes:

"O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken until thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue."

"Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?"

Now, I relate better to John Mayer:

My stupid mouth / got me in trouble; / I said too much again / to a date over dinner yesterday...

There are still days when I'm "peopled-out". It's still not easy for me to meet new people, or strike up a conversation with mere acquaintances. And there are people in my circle of friends with whom I will probably never deeply connect, because we are both more inclined to listen than to talk.

The biggest change, then, is that all of this bothers me so much less than it used to. I firmly believe that we can overcome weaknesses. This isn't to say that someday our weaknesses will -poof!- cease to exist. Rather, we can learn methods to get around them, so much so that our weaknesses just don't matter anymore.

If men come unto me, I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble, and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

You don't have to knock down a wall to get to the other side. You just need the Savior.

1. I've been ward FHE coordinator for three semesters in a row, and I still don't feel like I'm very good at it. But, if this is where the Lord wants me, this is where I will stay. 

2. I prefer to drink out of plastic cups because I think water tastes funny out of a glass cup. Most people tell me that's backwards.

3. I enjoy purple Sweethearts (you know, the kind of candy they sell around Valentines) even though I don't like artificial grape flavor, and I don't really like Sweethearts in general. I'm full of contradictions. ;)

4. In my life, I have wanted to be an artist, a teacher, a ballerina, a singer, a doctor, a psychologist, a massage therapist, a writer, and a mom "when I grow up". 

5. I love having my toenails painted -- sparkly hot pink has become the signature color for them.

6. In my heart-of-hearts, I really, really want to travel. I want to see ALL OVER Europe, and visit South and Central America, and go to Jerusalem. Among other places. I'd love to be one of those people who goes on an AMAZING vacation every couple of years.

7. I crave intellectual conversation (about the gospel, relationships, books, psychology, etc., etc., etc.) like plants crave water in a drought. Especially about the gospel -- I love re-realizing how GOOD Heavenly Father is to me in His infinite kindness and intelligence. He's so much smarter than I am.

8. I love being funny, even if it means I don't always make sense to people. There are few things more delightful than a well-timed pun!

9. It's one of my goals to have childlike delight every day. Sunrises, sunsets, trees, snow, and thunderstorms leave me in awe -every- time.

10. I don't really enjoy watching TV, and I despise TV as background noise. I can handle about an hour once or MAYBE twice a week, and it has to meet some pretty grueling criteria -- well-written premise, fascinating characters, and intriguing plot, among other things. Oh, and amazing people to watch it with, of course.

11. If you were to tell me in high school that I would grow up to become the person I am now, I wouldn't believe you because it would have sounded too good to be true.

12. I have no concept of what I look like without my glasses. I've worn glasses since 5th grade, and my sight is bad enough that I can't really see myself in the mirror when I'm not wearing them. This is one of many reasons I would like to try contacts.

13. I think my eyes are my best feature, but after many years, I have gradually grown to love the parts of my appearance that I am most self-conscious about. This never ceases to delight me!

14. I miss having freckles on my face, but I love having them on my shoulders.

15. About a year and a half ago, I realized that I'm a sucker for guys who play guitar, speak Spanish, and look good with facial hair. Those are purely physical attraction kind of things, although there are reasons behind them. 

16. I love the cold. Negative temperatures are just a little bit silly, I admit (after all, who wants frozen nose hair?) but there's just something delightful about foggy breathing, invigorating chill, and the way the whole world gets quiet. Did I mention that I find childlike delight in these kinds of things?

17. I love to sing. Part of what I look for in the music I listen to is whether or not I can sing along to it. It's a real challenge for me to listen to music without singing with it, and it's pretty obvious if I have a song going through my head. I apologize ahead of time if I have just one line stuck. ;)

18. Heights make me really nervous. It's not so much the idea of falling that gets me as the idea of stepping out into all that nothing. The third floor of my apartment complex gets to be a little bit, and yet I love rollercoasters. 

19. I'm excited to be a mom. I had a hard time paying attention in devotional today because the girl sitting across the aisle had a *brand* *new* baby in her lap. A newborn baby is the cutest, tiniest little alien you will ever see. 

20. Even though I don't feel like I fit in with my family, I love them a TON.

21. I can't decide whether or not I like ninjas or pirates better. Ninjas are stealthy but pirates are hot AND literary. I'm convinced that Chuck Norris will reconcile the two forces.

22. I have friends that DEEPLY ANNOY ME, but I find them so fun to talk to that I remain friends with them anyway. This simultaneously amuses me and makes me feel like a terrible person. 

23. I'm very cautious about sharing the sad things in my life -- not because I mind sharing, but rather because I'm not seeking pity. Parts of my life have been really hard, and I want people to understand how I've become the person that I am, but I also want them to understand that I have a beautiful life.

24. I love to cook -- my roommates are constantly amazed by my ability to throw things together. However, as an sometimes lazy and often creative person, I lack the precision to easily follow recipes.

25. It's my goal in life to live fully, in love with life every day. I used to say "fine" when people asked me how I was doing; now I say "pretty much amazing!" and I've come to realize that it's true. I have come to see the value of stepping back and looking at the big picture. Even when the details are hard,my life as a whole is a stunning creation of a loving God.

26. I have a hard time expressing my opinion honestly when it's negative. I want to be seen as a positive person, and I don't want to start a conversation by disagreeing with another's opinion without knowing it. 

Most of the time, I'm really OK with being an introvert. It's taken me a long time to be able to say that, but it's true. 

Every now and then, though, it really gets on my nerves.

I am an interesting, funny, intellectual, awesome person. (I'm not trying to be arrogant, just honest.) But when I am nervous and stressed and trying to be social, all of my brain cells leak out of my head and I revert back to being the shy, quiet, anxious girl I was 5 years ago. The obvious solution to this is to just quit being nervous, but just how do you go about doing that?

I've heard a lot of suggestions, but haven't quite managed to take many (if any) to heart. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I ought to go out on a limb and just do what comes to mind and accept that things won't always be easy or come naturally.

To Do

I've been promising myself I'll write a new blog post (which was almost combined to be "blost", whatever that is.) There's been a lot on my mind lately, but the things that have put a lot on my mind haven't left me a whole lot of energy.

Take the impromptu party I had on Sunday, for example. It quickly went from a little dinner of three to a toast to the New Year with nine. Five of the nine were guys. The grand total for the evening was 12 different people in my apartment, all of them to see me, at least in part. It was some intense business, but I went to bed wishing they could have stayed. 

I thought all last semester that I had just too many friends. This semester is shaping up to be much along the same lines, at least. But it's also different, too. I can't even tell you how many times I've prayed, Lord, what do you want me to do here? So when I started to feel like the Lord handed me a To Do list that said "Be social, but don't forget Me" on it, it was...interesting. I mean, it wasn't my idea to stay in Rexburg for the winter. I feel like I'm tempting fate a little bit to be so excited to be here, but then I'm supposed to find joy in obedience, right?

I don't know -- I don't feel like I'm being terribly coherant, but that's what the inside of my brain is like right now. Basically I'm excited to be here for the winter, excited for all the friends I have, but cautious and worn-out because I don't know what's going to happen and I'm going beyond my comfort zone. But it'll be okay. 

-drool-

I WAAANT it...!

(http://www.goodorient.com/Chinese_Handmade_Umbrella---Cornflower_Blue_P18668)

How pretty is that?

As the remaining time of my 2.5 week Christmas vacation steadily dwindles, it's got me looking back. 

It's been such an up-and-down couple of weeks, holy cow. I've been homesick for Idaho most of the time, where I have my own apartment, lots of wonderful friend, and plenty to do. While there have been several wonderful moments -- the moments that are the reason I come home -- there have also been many long moments of frustration and questions that just can't be answered. 

But, I decided, isn't that the point? We don't love our families because they are perpetually awesome, and we don't stop loving them because they, like us, are still figuring out this whole agency thing. God loves us because we are His, not because we deserve it. He knows our potential, so we need to believe in the potential of others and not limit the love we give because of our mortal understanding. 

Someday I'm going to have a family of my own. Things won't always be good, but has to be oka. And it will be my job to make it okay -- okay that Jennie fights with David, and Andrew thinks family scripture study is stupid, and my husband would rather watch the Super Bowl than hang out with the kids on Sunday. In spite of it all, we will still be a family that loves each other and is working toward eternity.

Just like my family now.