There and Back Again: Postscript

"Oh my gosh!! you posted a blog!!! I just wanted to tell you that it was really beautifully put. I totally agree with you 100%. You are absolutely freakin' awesome, and I'm glad I've been lucky to have gotten to find out about it. :) That was a beautiful verse, and very interesting."

"You're so sweet to me. Thank you for being such a fabulous friend. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU! When you and Chelsea get here we are going to party it up. Oh gosh I am so excited."

I'm kind of relieved too, honestly. I've been hanging out with four of my roommates, and some boys. They've been wonderful about keeping me from being desperately lonely and bored, and really the girls can be SUCH fun to hang out with. But I'm so tired of boys! So much so that I don't even want to talk about why I'm tired of them, but it'll be so welcome to have all of my wonderful people back, and to just try my DARNDEST not to care about anyone but the people who actually know and love me and see who I am. I don't want to just "have fun". It's not enough. But I didn't know what else to do this summer, you know? And now it's almost gone and I feel like I've spent another summer doing nothing -- nothing except getting spiritually sandpapered.

But what else was I supposed to do?? I chose to burn my time and emotional energy like it was cheap. Because it was -- I didn't have anything better to do. And now I'm coming out of that, dying to make something that actually matters again. I'm ready for real life again. Parts of it may stink, but that will be okay. It's real. Not shallow or meaningless. Real and full of pain that means something, and joy that means even more.

I guess it's all part of the Lord's plan. If I come out of this with nothing but the resolution to *never* settle for anything other than the absolute best, to seek joy and not fun, to love myself wholeheartedly even when it seems like no one else will, then maybe that'll be enough. The Lord will make sure I get what I need to out of it.

Part of me wonders when I'll quit only getting what I need and get what I want too. I guess that's what I get for asking the Lord to shape my desires into His plans for me, rather than the other way around.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see, and trust the Lord to do what He needs to do to make me His.

There and Back Again

It's been a long time since I sat down to write a blog post. I've been reading over old posts and thinking things like wow, that is so true and Oh my word, I'm a completely different person now and Gosh, I can't believe that bothered me so much at the time.

And even, Why on earth is this bothering me so much now?

I don't really have an answer to that.

Sometimes when you change and it's a blooming outward, and you sail along like puffs on dandelion. Other times when you change it's root growth instead, becoming more stable and solid, and drinking deeply. Even from the storm that surrounds you. I've become more "myself" this year, more grounded on the fact that I am OK, just being me.

What is getting me lately is that sometimes, other people don't make the effort to find out how awesome I am. (That is me being really hypocritical, because of course I don't go around finding out how awesome other people are.) I know that I am pretty, and fun, and smart, and it would be nice to know that all of that is plain to everyone else. But I don't think it is.

Does buried treasure want to be hard to find?
Or does it wait, shining and lonely
For a stubborn thief to come
80 paces to the left,
wary of the booby traps,
and dig deep
To find the gem whose price is far above rubies?

I just wrote that, but in the process I did a web search to make sure I was quoting Proverbs 31 correctly. Interestingly enough, I found someone else's blog post. She said that she always thought the scripture should say diamonds instead of rubies, but then she did some research and found out that rubies are actually even more precious than diamonds -- more rare, and one of truly excellent quality will sell for even three times more than a diamond of the same quality. Then, she found a definition of "virtuous", and her paraphrase is what caught my eye:

"Good,righteous, pure, kind, benevolent, generous, strong thru wisdom, grace and fear of God, conforming to what is right and just…….seldom sought."

Go figure.

One of my roommates is getting ready for a mission, and she's going to be wonderful at it. She was just now -- literally just now -- saying that she once really worried about being in the MTC, being able to make all of those connections with the scriptures. "I'm just not good at that!" she said. "But the thing is that every scripture I've read in preparation for Preach My Gospel says 'have the Spirit with you and the Lord will do the rest.' And I can do that! I may stink at the technical stuff, but I can sure be obedient!"

I love roommates, especially ones that are in tune with the Spirit and say exactly what I need them to, while having no idea that they did it.

In much the same way, I can really stink at the technical aspect of showing people just how awesome I am. But I can feel the Spirit, and seek to keep it in my life, guiding my heart. And anything that pulls me away from that simply isn't worth it.

I'm amazed by how different my life is when I'm at home and when I'm at school. Here I have a job I love, I am surrounded by my peers, and I'm really independent. At home, I have a job that pays more, Cindy is a 20-30 minute car ride away instead of a several-hour plane ride away, and I get to spend time with my family.

The difference I've noticed most lately, however, is the way in which I deal with my problems. They're not really big problems, not when I stop to think about it. I miss my best friend. I have no idea how the Lord will make His plans for me happen. I'm swamped by school. Things like that.

But it's times when those problems seem so big that drive me back to the Lord. I'm glad for these times, the ones that force me to take a step back and ask for God's will instead of my own. It's then that I'm astonished by how deeply He knows me, personally. That He sends a thunderstorm in high desert Idaho to remind me that I am loved. These are the times when I can only be grateful for the dull ache in my heart -- grateful that I have things that I love so much that it hurts when they're gone. Grateful to have experienced them at all, and that there are bound to be even better things around the next bend.

another update in the life of Sara

There isn't much to tell today...just two things really. One, we have 6 girls in our apartment now, with Cindy here visiting and our last roommate, Kaitlyn, here for 2nd block. Kaitlyn is a brand-new freshman. In fact, she just graduated high school on Saturday! She seems really sweet, although a little bewildered to be dumped into the thick of things. I think it'll be fun.

And then there's the reason I decided to write this e-mail...

Every Monday night 2 girls' apartments and a guys' apartment meet together and have a little spiritual thought and play a game and have treats, and it's really fun. There are also two people chosen -- a guy and a girl -- to lead our little family-away-from-home. The guy group leader is really cute and seems nice, and his name is Clint.

Now, a little bit of backstory, which you may or may not already know: I was going to take a business class, but I dropped it early on in the semester. In order to still be a full-time students, I had to replace the credits that I'd dropped. So I signed up for a Dating, Courtship and Engagement class, which has actually proved to be really interesting. And then...it got more interesting.

My current assignment, for a grade, is to ask someone on a date.

It was actually really funny. I got the assignment today, you know, Monday. So I told everyone all about my assignment (my tone was filled with exasperation, I assure you!) and told them I was going to ask Clint. So we went to Family Home Evening and played fun games and such, but I could never manage to get Clint by himself!!!!! I was frustrated and going to have a hernia. But, fortunately, my roommates talked me into calling him over from the balcony and telling him that as my Family Home Evening "dad", I felt like it was an OK thing to ask him to help me with my homework.

So! I have a date with a really cute boy on Tuesday at 7! Not tomorrow, but next week. We're going to make pizza and play games and maybe go to the park if it's sunny and all that jazz. Honestly he gave me a little bit of a funny look when I asked him, but we'll see how it goes. And after all, I ROCK!!! Because I asked a cute boy out on a date!!! :)

Now, because I have a slightly-odd assignment, I am giving YOU a slightly odd assignment. I need get-to-know-you questions! I would really love to make this a really fun and "I want to be your friend" kind of date, but I have a hard time with this kind of thing. If you were a cute boy, what could I do to make you really comfortable? PLEASE HELP!

And with that, I am off to get ready for bed. Love to ya! :)

update #2

Hello again! I *loved* getting all the replies that I did to my last little update...it's wonderful to hear that things are going well for all of you. So thank you for writing back to me, and please, continue to do so! :)

I think I'm going to do things a little differently this time and go in reverse chronological order. Maybe it's because I spend 4 hours of very weekday looking at resumes, maybe it's because I'm tired, but whatever the case, that just seems like the easiest thing.

This Sunday and the Sunday before I've practiced with the church choir. We sound great and it's fun to realize that, even though I sang alto for a choir class the past two semesters, I can still get to that high F with a little warm up! We're doing a song with a rather high soprano part, but I think once we all get the hang of it, it'll be really pretty. I was also asked to direct the music for the women's meeting every Sunday. It's a very low-stress kind of calling, plus I get some more practice with my 3/4s and 4/4s and such! I just really enjoy singing; my roommates humor me when I walk around the apartment singing whatever happens to be in my head, I listen to music (turned up loud) while I do homework, I love to take car trips with the stereo going and everyone singing along. It's just a good thing.

Speaking of car trips though, yesterday SO fun -- and it explains why I'm tired today, and slightly sunburnt. I did put on sunscreen, by the way, I just missed a spot or two. About an hour north of Rexburg, within the Targee National Forest, is Mesa Falls. Natalie and Chelsea and I drove up there yesterday, and none of us had been there before so we didn't know what to expect.There's a picture attached -- it was so beautiful. The funny thing is that there's enough snow up there over the winter -- like 8 feet! -- that even at the end of May, with 80 degree weather, there was a ton of snow! Every time we got too hot, we'd start a snowball fight, in our shorts and t-shirts. It was great -- there's a picture of me in the snow attached too. The waterfall itself was splendid. The smell of misty wet air, plus pine, plus the sound of waterfall...ahhh. The only thing that would have made it better would be if Cindy Lynn had been there with us. But fortunately she'll be here THIS WEEK, and I'll get to hang out with my best friend for three weeks STRAIGHT. It's going to be wonderful.

This week my supervisor, Barbara, came in to observe me at work. I've been working on my own (without Rachel, my trainer) since 9th, but Friday was the first time that Barbara has seen me in action. And she said I did great! "I'm saying kind of nit-picky things, but you did so great that they're really the only things I have to tell you! You have a handle on it that some new mentors don't ever get their first semester, but you've totally got it already." I was so glad to know that she thought I was doing a good job! I really love my job. There are certainly days when I wish I could sleep for another hour or two, or some appointments that are like pulling teeth to get people to understand, but overall I'm really fortunate. I'm basically teaching life skills to people...the things I teach them could help them to get the jobs they really want, to support their families. That's so cool.

Classes are going well, too. I had a presentation in Spanish and got way more anxious about it than I should have. I had to speak totally in Spanish, but since I was aloud to notes it was completely fine. Plus the class was really good about participating and answering questions. I was the very first person in class to present, because I wanted to get it over with, and my professor, Brother Widdison, said I really set a high standard for the rest of the class. I'm satisfied with the effort I put in. Oh, and get this -- no one was really aware of this before, but Brother Widdison said recently that the readings get progressively harder as the semester goes along. So I'm REALLY glad I got my presentation over and done with! Spanish class is a lot of work to begin with; why would I want to translate, understand, and then present a particularly hard story? Oh -- and then I also gave a presentation in my Dating, Engagement and Courtship class. To those of you who helped me with that, THANK YOU! It went really well and was very relaxed because we had a "panel of experts" -- people who had written papers and conducted interviews on the toped -- so it wasn't like it was just me. I think the class (including yours truly) got a lot out of the experience.

Let's see, I also went on a date recently. My roommate Caitie has a boyfriend, Doug, and they set me up with one of Doug's former roommates. It actually ended up being a triple date because one of Doug's current roommates and his fiancee were there too. We had dinner at Doug's apartment (it was soo yummy) and then the plan was that we'd all go to a movie afterwards. However, my date, Anselmo, had to go to work, and I had homework to do anyway, so we were just going to part ways after dinner. I thought that everyone else could just drop me off at home at the way to the movie -- but then Anselmo offered to drive me home! He was very much a gentleman, opening the car door for me, walking me up to the door of my apartment. If it hadn't been for the fact that there were 6 people at dinner, the conversation would have dragged. But, in the car and walking me to my apartment, Anselmo and I chatted and it was great fun. Chelsea, my roommate, was so funny -- she was in her room when she heard us come in, so she decided to "get a drink" and see what my date looked like! He was very very cute, by the way, Brazilian at that. But since there wasn't any big **chemistry** or anything, I'm neither surprised nor disappointed that I haven't heard from him since our date. All in all it was just a good experience ...there really ARE nice guys around here! ...And for the record, there are some cute guys in my classes, and at church, but no one that I know very well. But I'll be sure to keep you posted.

And I think that's it! As you can see, life is going really well -- busy, but excellent. And it'll be just about PERFECT when Cindy gets here for her visit! I'll be able to tell you all about that in my next letter. In the meantime, however, please fill me in on how your life is going. I look forward to hearing from you!

an update to...everyone I know!

Well! Here I am, back at school! Last week was all getting ready, getting used to things, etc., so this week it was just Life of a Student in full force. I love it though, I've gotta say. Yes, I'm insanely busy, but I feel so productive and things have this fascinating habit of always moving, requiring adaptation and focus.

For example, I am working while I am in school. This is the first time I've done this, because I was so terrified that it was going to go on my "Worst Ideas Ever" list. In past semesters I have been quickly overwhelmed, so I thought adding in 4 hours of work Monday through Friday would put me on the edge of a nervous breakdown. It's been quite the opposite, however. Being so busy has really helped me to stay focused on what I need to do as far as assignments and deadlines and all that goes, but also just my personal needs: "Have I had enough social time?" "Did I take 15 minutes to meditate today?" "Which is more important right this second -- cleaning my room or chilling in front of the TV?" It's a helpful and interesting way to study me, while I study English. -grin-

And, of course, it doesn't hurt that my job is just really interesting. I work in the Career Preparation department on campus as a CP Mentor. I'm still in training, so I mostly just observe for now. Within the next week or two, however, I'll be spending more and more of my time teaching resume-writing principles, conducting practice interviews, and reviewing cover letters. I never knew there were so many things that go into impressing a prospective employer -- among my first thoughts was "How on earth did *I* get hired?!?" -- but when you do it right, it really makes a difference. Rachel, the girl who is training me, is so nice and sometimes we sit and just chat between appointments. I asked her today if she thought it would be OK if I started heading our appointments (still under her supervision though) since observing was really getting boring. She said yes, so next week I'll jump in to talking the students through their resumes and asking them intimidating interview questions. Bwahaha.

Since I work from 8:15am to noon, I zip home and eat lunch, only to walk out the door again to go to classes. I'm enjoying all of my classes so far... but do you ever suspect that you're the annoying kid who always has something to say, but never really says anything important?? I feel like that a little in my Grammar class, because my professor is so funny and silly, and I sit at the front of the room, so I find myself making a lot of smart-aleck comments. I mean, I contribute in other ways as well, of course. Like asking questions -- I've never done sentence diagramming before in my LIFE, but fortunately I'm picking it up pretty well. Mostly. (Pop quiz! What's a subjective complement? ...Eh, don't worry, I'm not sure I know either.)

I'm taking my last Spanish class -- it's required as part of my generals, but it's a Hispanic literature class. I was so intimidated by this class. I love literature, but surely expecting me to read, write, and analytically converse *in another language* is a little over the top! Much like work, however, it hasn't been nearly as big of a deal as I thought it would be. We sing hymns in Spanish, and answer questions on our reading assignments for homework, and talk about basic plot and character and setting. "Lencho es un hombre de mucha fe" is much easier than say, the symbolism of the lemonade that the old woman gave the architect. In Spanish. :-P

I was taking a business class, but after a week of trying to figure out the simulation (like SimCity, but SimBusiness, basically,) and not feeling like class time was at all productive, and spending 3 hours every night doing homework, I decided I just didn't CARE enough about it to put in that much work! So I dropped the class and, after much hunting, and some groveling too, found a different class that fit into the same slot on my schedule. Get this though -- I'm taking Family Studies 200: Dating, Courtship, and Engagement. How's that for ridiculous??? ONLY an LDS school would have a class like that!!! ...All "silly Mormons!" comments aside, though, I think I'm going to enjoy it. It's a definite study of what love is, how and why people date, how we have to focus on who WE are rather than anyone else, and what God has to do with this equation in general. We're reading some very wise doctrinal stuff to this effect.

I'm also taking a World Religions class. It wasn't the religion class I wanted to take this semester, but it fit too well to pass up, so I took it anyway. And I'm so glad I did! I'm so intrigued by other cultures, and really, religion is a HUGE part of any culture -- even ours, as much as we Americans try to deny it sometimes. Plus there's is a lot to be gained from seeking out the good and true in other religions. I think that God works with truth in whatever form it comes. Oh -- and my professor is teaching us meditation. It's not as Eastern and cheesy as it sounds. Here's a metaphor for you -- think about the sky. It can have big fat storm clouds, or clouds that seem to race by, or, ideally, fluffy, floaty clouds. The clouds are your thoughts, and the blue sky behind them is your mind. The point of meditation is to calm your storm- or racing-cloud thoughts so that you can just watch them float by. By letting go, focusing on your breathing, and relaxing, I've found it's actually way more productive for problem-solving because you're inviting God to be a part of it. So cool.

And that brings me to my favorite -- Creative Writing. Honestly, I came home from this class and told everyone, "I fell in love today." Needless to say, this created much more excitement and raised eyebrows than I was planning! They were all a little disappointed that it was a class and not a boy. But really, it's a FABULOUS class. We're analyzing poems and literature and such, but from a writer's perspective, and our textbooks are funny (I didn't know that was possible!) and being in a room with THAT many writers all together was like coming home. Nirvana, I swear. (and I am actually allowed to reference nirvana now -- we talked about it in my World Religion class!)

You know what else is pretty great? Getting the cream of the crop when it comes to roommates. Chelsea is from last semester, and Cindy and I loved and adored her and decided we'd keep her. Then there's Natalie, who is Cindy's uncle's wife's sister, and who I just love already. She's a girl after my own heart -- silly bordering on just a little crazy, and low-key too. Then there's Caitie, who doesn't spend a lot of time at home -- she's got those "popular" girl vibes, but is really sweet. And....-sigh-....there's the OTHER love of my life (other than my class I mean)...Cindy. Cindy won't be at school with me for another couple of weeks. It just KILLS to not have your best friend around, in the one setting you actually HAVE had her around nonstop, much to your delight. But, like we keep telling each other, it's only a couple of weeks and we talk on the phone every day. Somehow we'll manage...maybe. Hopefully. -sniffle sniff sniffle-

Anyway....I don't think there's much more to tell right now! This is like a MILE long, but if you're reading this you've stuck with me, and I much appreciate it. Don't feel obligated to reply at similar length, but please, do reply! I want to hear how you are doing and make sure you know I think you're pretty great. :) (...Oh, and if you think anyone else would like to hear from me, please feel free to forward this to them!)

I don't know how often these updates will come out -- that will just depend on homework and life in general -- but I look forward to writing you again at some point with another moment in the life of Sara!

Take care, and much love to ya.

heartsore

As my family and I sat around the table, having just finished reading Mormon 3, I had everyone flip back to the 7th, 8th, and 9th verses.

"I think it's interesting," I said, "that even though people are wicked, they can still succeed. On the other hand, we see all the time that even though people are righteous, things are still hard. I think it goes to show that God doesn't always work in a way that makes sense to us mortals. The bad guys won't always be punished and the good guys won't always get the easy road. Not temporally anyway."

I have been having a mysteriously hard time lately. To the point that I am getting off of a certain medication to see if it's getting my hormones off-kilter. I need some time to relax and recenter, but if I don't keep busy, then all the whiny, stupid, pessimistic bits of my brain start talking Really Loudly. (Kind of like when people are saying mean things about you, but not to you, but they talk loudly because they want you to hear anyway.) The inside of my head hasn't been the usual comfy, sunshiny place I've come to know and love, to say the least.

I've prayed about this, and sought guidance and comfort in the scriptures. Previously I've gotten messages like, "Sweetie. Keep doing what you're doing, and when something needs to change, I'll let you know." But continuing to what I'm doing hasn't really fixed anything.

This brings me back to the aforementioned scripture, and, in turn, an Elder Maxwell quote, about how sometimes enjoyment just needs to be deferred. People who do good things aren't always going to have a good time. Just because I'm paying my tithing and reading my scriptures and working and trying to be there for my friends doesn't mean that everything will always be great. In short, just because I'm doing my best doesn't mean that Heavenly Father will give me what I want when I want it.

Just because Heavenly Father doesn't bless me in specific ways does not mean I have to be afraid that He doesn't love me. On the contrary...maybe right now He's showing me what I really do want most of all: peace. A steady, strong relationship with Him. Faith. I know He loves me, and it's not like He's trying to be mean. There's something here to be learned, a way to grow.

I leave for school on Friday and I'm sure that to some degree, things will change. Classes will be nice, as will having more people on hand to spend time with. But the change I want most is for all of this to make sense...for me to find peace and joy in the Lord once again.

"Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed. " D&C 123:17

So in the meantime all I can think of to do is to keep trying and keep praying, and keep loving the Lord the best I can.

1 Corinthians 2:14 reads, "But the natural man receiveth not the things of the spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know then, because they are spiritually discerned."

The message of the day: I am a dumb mortal. It's okay if I don't get it. It's also okay if I don't like it. I'm so glad God is not a dumb mortal. Instead He is an infinitely intelligent, perfectly loving, absolutely individual God who uses all of His goodness and power (wow ALL OF IT?) to help ME, the aforementioned dumb mortal.

I want to be like Heavenly Father when I grow up!


Today has been a wonderful, wonderful day: I make myself laugh. I get to watch Conference with my family. I had a fabulous conversation with my favorite person in the world. I went to a great movie. I caught up with a friend. I hung out with my mom and sister. I ate clouds. (Oh yes... have you ever had yoplait whips??) I came home to my two favorite kinds of e-mails: an Interesting Conversation opener, and a newsy, loving update full of concern and questions.

God is so generous and giving...He gives me these kinds of days to slow down, take a deep breath, remember my child, life is good.

Life IS good. I am so deeply blessed.

Thank you, Father, for this day.

Rest

My to-do list has a lot of things on it, some little things, some Important things, just a bunch of stuff that needs to be taken care of. So now that I've come home from church and eaten something, I've gotten out my list.

Frankly I'm exhausted just looking at it. After about 4 minutes, I put it aside and put my head on the table -- "I need to just rest."

But the thing is, after being so busy lately, I'm having a hard time figuring out how. Life has combined today to make for windy, somewhat dreary soul-weather: too blown about to have much attention span, and not very cheerful either. How does one write a "recipe for happy" if one knows something needs done and can't quite find the oomph to go do it?

This will take some more thought.

Lent Pt. -- er -- 2.5?

I realized something, and the more I think about it, the more I agree with myself. While this makes for a really funny internal dialogue, ("I think that blah blah blah." "Wow! I totally agree with that. In my opinion, blah blah blah." "Hey, didn't I just say that?") my point still stands.

In observing Lent this year, I think God taught me something without me having any idea that He was teaching me it while it was happening: Without exception, everything about life has parts of it that are really, really hard.

It sounds cynical when I say it, but it really does have great value, especially because my real point is this--

So what?

I can still love life and love my Savior to an unfathomable degree no matter what. Everything in life has some level of drudgery and unpleasantness, but if I know that to begin with, I can avoid unrealistic expectations that will keep me from appreciating the good and joy that is in all things as well.

By always waiting for the perfectly wonderful thing around the bend, I not only neglect the good that I have now (thereby seeing only the annoying, difficult parts) but I also set myself up to be disappointed when I find the "perfectly wonderful thing" inevitably has some painful things about it. If I can reshape those expectations, though, I can be better prepared to find the good, deal with the bad, and seek God in both aspects, now and in the future.

In a nutshell, through Lent 08, God showed me that life is just plain difficult.

...But only parts of it. Mostly, if I can learn to look for it, it is blessed and beautiful.