worry

Worry worry worry worry worry.

Gnaw gnaw gnaw gnaw.

Worry worry worry worry worry.

These are the sounds my brain is making at 4am, which is why I am not currently asleep.

I just got called to lead the girls' youth group in the Spanish congregation, and they haven't had a leader in months. I feel like I have to start it from scratch.

But when it comes down to it, I don't.

The Lord is perfectly capable of accomplishing His purposes...I just happen to be the tool He has chosen to use this time.

He wouldn't have called me unless He thought I could accomplish His work. He's asked people to build ships, nations, and churches "from scratch," but He has always had a plan in mind for it -- both an end goal and a process to get here. I don't really know either of those right now, but at least I know I'm not alone in trying to figure out what is best for these girls. He already knows them and already knows what is best for them. So I'm not really starting from scratch at all. I'm just trying to know the mind of God.

Today I am grateful that I am not alone. God has a plan for me. He already has this all figured out, and as I come to know Him better, He will reveal his plans to me.

I am grateful to be a part of Christ's church restored on the earth. Strangely enough, no matter how much or how often I worry, I come back to one thing: I know where to find answers. The scriptures are meant to get us acquainted with God, to know who His is and who He will always be. I know they hold that power. And a part of me suddenly suspects...prayer is, in part, meant to get us acquainted with ourselves. What do we ask for? Do we plead for it sincerely? How often do we pray? When we know who we are and we bring our truest selves to Him, the answers come so much faster. Our eyes clear so that we can't be withheld from seeing Him. Even if we are incredibly weak.

I am grateful for personal revelation. My concerns matter to the Lord. My marriage is important to Him. My happiness and growth are way at the top of His priority list. He created me to have joy, not just now but eternally. That means that He is willing to give me the compassion and instruction that I need...and that He has given me the means to acquire it. He already knows what I need, and He clues me in as He provides it.

I believe that Heavenly Father already has a picture in His mind of what things are supposed to look like. I believe that He already has my day prioritized. I believe He does not want me to be angry or full of fear.

And so, at 4 a.m., I pray, O Father, I believe. Help Thou my unbelief.

My ways are not Thy ways. My thoughts are not Thy thoughts. 

Help me to empty myself of self so that there is room for Thee here. 

And surely, slowly, gradually, the peace comes. And I am not afraid.