Thursday, March 20, 2008

Turning Inward

I was asked today about a gospel principle I find difficult to implement, and why it's a struggle.

My first thought was, "Gosh, but there's so many!"

Patience and humility have been big ones lately, though. I am trying to gratefully acknowledge my dependence on the Lord as I wait for His timing and His blessings. I think lately He is teaching me that I am completely dependent on Him ... that my joy has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him ... that there are times when I can do my part and still struggle to find peace ... that when the peace does come, I need to be grateful for His tender mercies.

If life was nothing but easy, or fun, I'd never learn anything. I know that. But it's easy to forget the easy and fun parts (or perhaps worse, think about them too much) when I'm solidly fixed in the middle of a season of learning. Sometimes it's hard to imagine that I will miss this, sitting at work passing the time between phone calls, going home to my family and all the things I don't have to figure out how to pay for. And then I realize I will miss it, and am exhausted just at the thought of going to school full-time, and working part-time, and still being expected to carry my burdens on my own, to doggedly keep seeking the Lord even when His hand is not obvious to my lonesome, fearful, mortal eyes.

But I like to believe there's some kind of middle ground there...that I can live, moment-to-moment, enjoying all of the love that surrounds me, bravely facing the difficulties before me, and knowing that I will be blessed in the future. I can't see the bigger picture with these mortal eyes, and while I could imagine it, the possibilities are so endless and varied that I don't find it very useful to do so. I keep walking, trusting -- hoping -- that if I'm getting off on the wrong path, He'll let me know, and that if He's not saying that, it means that I'm headed toward something too beautiful to imagine. I wish I could step less hesitantly, but God knows me. He understands. So I leave it to the Lord to show me what I need to see, here, now, and I try to accept that sometimes the Lord simply leads us through darkness, as we turn inward to Him for our light.

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