"It's all so interesting. Which maybe you're thinking is an anticlimax, but in that case I feel sorry for you because that just means you don't really know about interesting. Interesting is as good as it gets." --Robin McKinley
I've received an official request to update everyone on my beautifully chaotic life...so here it goes!
I'm in Provo right now, sitting in my boyfriend's FHE sisters apartment. For the record, I. Love. These. Girls! They are so sweet and I really appreciate their generosity. I'll be sleeping on their couch for a while, and as soon as I can afford it, I'm getting my very own apartment.! I've been staying with Cindy in Rexburg for the last several weeks, and that has been so fun and so very helpful. There's a reason I've been friends with this girl for 10 years...she's wise and funny and giving and I just love her. I've also loved seeing Natalie and Allison and as soon as I get a couple of paychecks under my belt, I'm sure I'll be back up there to visit.
Things are still great with Chris and I. I've missed seeing him every day, so it's been really, really nice to be in Provo so much. Sometimes I'm struck by how lucky I am to be dating him. He actively seeks out my opinions and humors my craziness and tries to be a little better every day. He is working so hard in his classes, not to mention figuring out grad school. And, of course, he's also busy spending time with me! We had fun weekend, shopping for clothes (and board games!) and attending stake conference and hanging out with his roommates. I'm sure grateful for that man.
As of this week I have not one but two jobs. I'm working freelance as a blogger, which in my case means I get to write just about anything having to do with cars. My posts will be here, but before I'm officially hired and can start uploading articles, I need to get some paperwork filled out That is harder than it sounds as I need a printer or scanner and have neither one. (Angst!) However, as soon as I get that done, I'll be paid by the word and can write a 700 word article every day, if I want. Yay, income!
The other job is for Sorenson Communications, located in Taylorsville. They specialize in technology and services for the hearing impaired. For example, you can call someone who is hard of hearing, and they have a special phone with a screen that will show the words you're saying. I'll be trained to very clearly repeat what you say as you say it, so that the voice recognition software picks up the words correctly and can display them on the screen. The simple version is that I caption phone calls for hard-of-hearing people. I start the Monday after Thanksgiving, assuming I pass my drug test and background check. Pretty fair assumption if you ask me! I train for a couple of weeks on the software and then will be working 30 hours a week. Yes, it's part time, but supplemented by the freelance thing, I should be okay.
That said, I interviewed with another job on Friday, and I should hear back from them by Wednesday. This one is full time and directly related to my degree, yet it's in Ogden and probably requires more commitment. So if I get it, awesome, but if not, that's OK too. We will just have to see.
You know... we all know by this point that our lives are never going to be easy. However, they can certainly be challenging and rewarding and just so good. Yes, I do have a lot of things to figure out, and yes, I do have a lot of sacrifices to make. But the Lord is teaching me to build His kingdom, and be what He is.
What more can I ask for than that? :)
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
tender mercies
It has been a rather frustrating day, but I think in general conference someone said something to the effect of "face each day with enthusiasm, no matter how it looks" and I'm trying to apply that principle.
The optimistic version of my day is that I spent the first part of the morning reading this lovely pre-World War II book that is very sweet and inspiring. Then I ran an errand, had hot chocolate and pumpkin bread with Cindy, looked for jobs, did laundry. Pretty basic stuff, and good in its own way, but really not at all what I had planned.
What I'd planned is to donate plasma. I haven't found a job yet, and it just seemed like a reasonable way to make a little extra money in the interim. It seemed like the responsible thing to do, frankly. But through a silly little chain of events, it didn't happen today.
As I drove away from the plasma center, sans needle prick, I wanted to cry. I don't understand, I thought. I'm trying to take good care of myself, to put forth the work that I need to in order to care for my temporal well-being. But I can't even donate plasma. Why is this happening?
It didn't get better after I went home and found that I still couldn't get the application to work (for a job I'd really really like!) And then I had an epic battle of wits with an inanimate object, for a frustrating hour and a half.
But the Lord still finds ways to add sunshine to our lives. Cindy came home from the library and made hot chocolate, which was happy-in-a-mug. Later, Allison picked me up and we had our own little FHE, and it was wonderful.
I'm grateful for tender mercies.
I'm grateful for tender mercies.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
mexican cooking, lesson one: tortillas
When Cindy and I finally decided that I would be staying with her for a little while, I asked her to teach me how to make Mexican food. Her dad spent two years doing service and proselyting in Mexico, and he brought back lots of new skills with him -- the least of which is not cooking fairly authentic Mexican deliciousness...
So, Cindy taught me how to make tortillas!
First, get some masa:
(What we call masa in the States is actually a certain kind of corn flour, rather than the paste called "masa" you'd buy in a Latin American country.)
Then, add some water:
(This one won't be very helpful to you, considering Cindy didn't measure and let me poke at the dough a bit to see what the consistency was like. Watch out on her blog...she'll be posting specifics there soon, I'm sure.)
We used a tortilla press (!!) and a griddle, but in the future I think I'll just be using a regular ol' rolling pin and non-stick skillet. The non-stick part is important since apparently frying them in oil would make them tostadas, not tortillas.
They don't have to be browned or anything, just warmed and flipped and warmed a little more. And by the way, they are delicious.
I may never eat store-bought tortillas ever again.
So, Cindy taught me how to make tortillas!
First, get some masa:
(What we call masa in the States is actually a certain kind of corn flour, rather than the paste called "masa" you'd buy in a Latin American country.)
Then, add some water:
(This one won't be very helpful to you, considering Cindy didn't measure and let me poke at the dough a bit to see what the consistency was like. Watch out on her blog...she'll be posting specifics there soon, I'm sure.)
We used a tortilla press (!!) and a griddle, but in the future I think I'll just be using a regular ol' rolling pin and non-stick skillet. The non-stick part is important since apparently frying them in oil would make them tostadas, not tortillas.
They don't have to be browned or anything, just warmed and flipped and warmed a little more. And by the way, they are delicious.
I may never eat store-bought tortillas ever again.
love, tolerance, and understanding
I've discovered a new mantra for relationships:
I love you! I just don't understand...
Sometimes the people I care about are too busy to pay attention to me. Sometimes they make the same mistakes over and over and over. Sometimes they address situations in completely different ways than I would. However, this doesn't excuse me from forgiveness, tolerance, or charity.
The thing is, it also doesn't excuse me from being human and finding other people difficult to comprehend. I can choose how I respond to difficulties though, and when I'm fighting with someone, it's okay to call a time-out and give them a hug.
Because it's not about changing them. It's about understanding them a little better, and about me making changes in order to become more Christlike. Maybe that's becoming more temperate, more confident, or a better listener.
That's why these people are in our lives, guys. Their presence is an invitation to charity -- to not just understand them better, but to understand the Lord better. We can always find strength and solace in Him, even if we aren't getting it from the sources we expect.
Other people may not always be reliable, but in Christ, we can become reliably like Him.
I love you! I just don't understand...
Sometimes the people I care about are too busy to pay attention to me. Sometimes they make the same mistakes over and over and over. Sometimes they address situations in completely different ways than I would. However, this doesn't excuse me from forgiveness, tolerance, or charity.
The thing is, it also doesn't excuse me from being human and finding other people difficult to comprehend. I can choose how I respond to difficulties though, and when I'm fighting with someone, it's okay to call a time-out and give them a hug.
Because it's not about changing them. It's about understanding them a little better, and about me making changes in order to become more Christlike. Maybe that's becoming more temperate, more confident, or a better listener.
That's why these people are in our lives, guys. Their presence is an invitation to charity -- to not just understand them better, but to understand the Lord better. We can always find strength and solace in Him, even if we aren't getting it from the sources we expect.
Other people may not always be reliable, but in Christ, we can become reliably like Him.
Monday, October 10, 2011
unabashed devotion
Sometimes I wish I could be the girl I was at 17. I can still see my bedroom, definitively mine as the walls were papered with favorite scriptures, quotes, and pictures -- anything I found soothing, really. I was sheltered there, from everyone, from a future that was much more like straw to be turned to gold than anything. There, I found fearlessness. Not that I lived a life without fear, but just that there were much more important things to think about, and with the importance came the joy.
Now and then I still have that; I remember that those days were the beginning of my testimony, not the extent of it. Those days were good not because they were easy, but because I unabashedly fled to the Lord for solace. I didn't expect Him to fix things, just to help me be okay, and to respond to my life as He would.
I think it's time I devoted my life to that again -- to taking every inquietude to the Lord, without shame. He can do so much more with them than I can. When my heart cries out, "Wait, what? Is that really what you have in mind for me? Are you sure You want to make my life that hard??" my Heavenly Father can say, "well, yes, but remember the blessings you have in store, my child, and remember what the pain has turned you into." It's turned me into someone who can know peace, despite anyone else's choices. (I just wish I remembered that more often.)
The joy of earthly relationships is undeniable, but neither is the heartbreak. So, they function as a means to an end as they turn us to Christ. As a teenager, Christ and I became acquainted because there were people in my life that I had to be okay with. In more recent years, I clung to Christ despite the dead-end relationships in which I insisted on entangling myself. Now, I'd like to know Him better and love Him more as I try to be more me -- more the girl He's counting on to do His work. Whatever that work may be.
As previously mentioned, I think that work right now may in part be giving up my "Isaac"...to just enjoy serving in small ways, to take copious mental notes (and some literal ones) on how to create a Christ-centered home. Maybe that's enough for now, even if it's not flashy. Maybe I just need to be okay with that. After all, is there any grander purpose than motherhood? Is there any nobler goal than a temple-like home? Grad school, an active career, anything, ought to pale in comparison to that. Not that they're mutually exclusive, either -- just that they certainly fit on a hierarchy, and "homemaker" is at the top.
Homemaking, though, is a task of steadiness and moderation -- of constancy. I can't work myself dry every day and then go home and crash for the evening, nor can I give a half-hearted effort. No, I want to be a homemaker who works hard, with her whole heart in it, and one who finds the work a joyful and rewarding thing. And maybe, just maybe, Heavenly Father would like me to learn that sooner rather than later. I'm just glad He's in charge of the timing and not me. Timing has a delicate balance; it's easy to do things too soon or too late. ...Far too much for my puny mortal self to handle.
What I can handle is repenting, turning to my Savior with every moment of fear and heartbreak or grumpiness and apathy. And, for that matter, every dream I have for myself that is nothing compared to His for me. Therefore, I hope to seek employment with greater humility. I hope to find something that does not preclude, but rather enables the work that Heavenly Father has for me these days: learning how to make my own temple-like home, and Christ-centered life, regardless of when or with whom that comes about.
I find the task a bit daunting, I'll be honest. The heart-happy girl I was at 17 didn't have the grown up problems of a 24 year old. But Heavenly Father is still perfectly wise, powerful, and loving, even if I'm a confused twenty-something and not an indignant teenager. He can handle my grown up problems.
And, somehow, I can let Him.
Now and then I still have that; I remember that those days were the beginning of my testimony, not the extent of it. Those days were good not because they were easy, but because I unabashedly fled to the Lord for solace. I didn't expect Him to fix things, just to help me be okay, and to respond to my life as He would.
I think it's time I devoted my life to that again -- to taking every inquietude to the Lord, without shame. He can do so much more with them than I can. When my heart cries out, "Wait, what? Is that really what you have in mind for me? Are you sure You want to make my life that hard??" my Heavenly Father can say, "well, yes, but remember the blessings you have in store, my child, and remember what the pain has turned you into." It's turned me into someone who can know peace, despite anyone else's choices. (I just wish I remembered that more often.)
The joy of earthly relationships is undeniable, but neither is the heartbreak. So, they function as a means to an end as they turn us to Christ. As a teenager, Christ and I became acquainted because there were people in my life that I had to be okay with. In more recent years, I clung to Christ despite the dead-end relationships in which I insisted on entangling myself. Now, I'd like to know Him better and love Him more as I try to be more me -- more the girl He's counting on to do His work. Whatever that work may be.
As previously mentioned, I think that work right now may in part be giving up my "Isaac"...to just enjoy serving in small ways, to take copious mental notes (and some literal ones) on how to create a Christ-centered home. Maybe that's enough for now, even if it's not flashy. Maybe I just need to be okay with that. After all, is there any grander purpose than motherhood? Is there any nobler goal than a temple-like home? Grad school, an active career, anything, ought to pale in comparison to that. Not that they're mutually exclusive, either -- just that they certainly fit on a hierarchy, and "homemaker" is at the top.
Homemaking, though, is a task of steadiness and moderation -- of constancy. I can't work myself dry every day and then go home and crash for the evening, nor can I give a half-hearted effort. No, I want to be a homemaker who works hard, with her whole heart in it, and one who finds the work a joyful and rewarding thing. And maybe, just maybe, Heavenly Father would like me to learn that sooner rather than later. I'm just glad He's in charge of the timing and not me. Timing has a delicate balance; it's easy to do things too soon or too late. ...Far too much for my puny mortal self to handle.
What I can handle is repenting, turning to my Savior with every moment of fear and heartbreak or grumpiness and apathy. And, for that matter, every dream I have for myself that is nothing compared to His for me. Therefore, I hope to seek employment with greater humility. I hope to find something that does not preclude, but rather enables the work that Heavenly Father has for me these days: learning how to make my own temple-like home, and Christ-centered life, regardless of when or with whom that comes about.
I find the task a bit daunting, I'll be honest. The heart-happy girl I was at 17 didn't have the grown up problems of a 24 year old. But Heavenly Father is still perfectly wise, powerful, and loving, even if I'm a confused twenty-something and not an indignant teenager. He can handle my grown up problems.
And, somehow, I can let Him.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
worth a thousand words
Tonight we played the picture game...
(You know, the one where you have a phrase, and you draw a picture based on that phrase, and the next person writes a phrase based on that picture without looking at the original phrase, and so on.)
I like to think I made the most memorable contribution, when "bad breath" turned into "breathing fire", and I turned the associated picture into "fire-breathing Jew."
I swear, I'm not racist. It just looked more like a yarmulke than hair.
(You know, the one where you have a phrase, and you draw a picture based on that phrase, and the next person writes a phrase based on that picture without looking at the original phrase, and so on.)
I like to think I made the most memorable contribution, when "bad breath" turned into "breathing fire", and I turned the associated picture into "fire-breathing Jew."
I swear, I'm not racist. It just looked more like a yarmulke than hair.
Friday, October 7, 2011
a day at a time
I've come to an unfortunate conclusion.
I don't write enough.
Sure, I journal. It's primarily a scripture journal at the moment, because I'm a little overwhelmed by the idea of anything beyond that. If I write about the events of my day-to-day life, I might actually have to think about it. I might think about the fact that I am living with my best friend and her husband at the moment, instead of my own place. I might think about the fact that I am once again unemployed, this time of my own volition. I might think about my sadly limited resources and all of the things in my life that I wish were different.
Maintaining a scripture journal, on the other hand, helps me to keep thinks in perspective. I get to think more about the problems of Moroni and Pahoran, of the wicked children of Israel, of Emma Smith. Whether these people were full of faith or fear, the scriptures teach me the truth, as I combat the influences of Satan that are so ready to seep into my life.
In reality, my life is moving along beautifully. I am where the Lord wants me to be. He is carefully tutoring me. Everything will fall into place exactly as it needs to. But that sense of well-being is rather precarious at the moment, and I worry that if the reality of my current situation sinks in, my natural tendency to overthink will lead me not toward God, but away from Him.
It seems I've gotten the same message since mind-June: don't plan. And all things considered, I haven't. Sure, I planned a blood drive, a book drive, and a drive across the country. But considering the amount of things I would ordinarily be trying to contrive and control, that's nothing. I don't have a 5 year plan anymore, let alone a 5 month plan. I don't know where grad school will fit into my life. I don't know where marriage will fit into my life.
All I know is that the Lord is trying to teach me to take things one day at a time. Therefore, I am beginning a new initiative on my blog. I may not be writing about Big Things That Have To Do With My Life As A Whole, but I can write about the small day-to-day things that catch my interest. That may be a song I heard today, a new website I found, or just the way that the rain blips against the leaves. In any case, my happiness is my choice, and I choose to wait, and watch, and obey.
I don't write enough.
Sure, I journal. It's primarily a scripture journal at the moment, because I'm a little overwhelmed by the idea of anything beyond that. If I write about the events of my day-to-day life, I might actually have to think about it. I might think about the fact that I am living with my best friend and her husband at the moment, instead of my own place. I might think about the fact that I am once again unemployed, this time of my own volition. I might think about my sadly limited resources and all of the things in my life that I wish were different.
Maintaining a scripture journal, on the other hand, helps me to keep thinks in perspective. I get to think more about the problems of Moroni and Pahoran, of the wicked children of Israel, of Emma Smith. Whether these people were full of faith or fear, the scriptures teach me the truth, as I combat the influences of Satan that are so ready to seep into my life.
In reality, my life is moving along beautifully. I am where the Lord wants me to be. He is carefully tutoring me. Everything will fall into place exactly as it needs to. But that sense of well-being is rather precarious at the moment, and I worry that if the reality of my current situation sinks in, my natural tendency to overthink will lead me not toward God, but away from Him.
It seems I've gotten the same message since mind-June: don't plan. And all things considered, I haven't. Sure, I planned a blood drive, a book drive, and a drive across the country. But considering the amount of things I would ordinarily be trying to contrive and control, that's nothing. I don't have a 5 year plan anymore, let alone a 5 month plan. I don't know where grad school will fit into my life. I don't know where marriage will fit into my life.
All I know is that the Lord is trying to teach me to take things one day at a time. Therefore, I am beginning a new initiative on my blog. I may not be writing about Big Things That Have To Do With My Life As A Whole, but I can write about the small day-to-day things that catch my interest. That may be a song I heard today, a new website I found, or just the way that the rain blips against the leaves. In any case, my happiness is my choice, and I choose to wait, and watch, and obey.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
sacrificing isaac
I'm fascinated by the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham waited for years and years and years before God filled the promise that Abraham was most enthusiastic about getting. It was a righteous desire, and finally getting it taught him about patience, and miracles, and the value of an eternal family.
And yet, even after all that time, and all those rich lessons, God wasn't done with him yet. The one blessing in life that Abraham most cherished...a righteous desire...a gift that God had already given him, perhaps even a gift that Abraham had already earned. And God wanted him to give it back.
I've pondered the questions that Abraham might have asked at the time. Can't You take something else, Lord? Didn't You love me enough to give me Isaac to begin with? Didn't You want me to have posterity? What more can I possibly learn? What more could I possibly have to prove to You? How could this possibly be the best thing for us?
I prayerfully discovered what my "Isaac" is a few years ago. It's the person I'd become: independent, accomplished, tough. I turned to the Lord and told Him: if this is what You want, I will put myself on the altar. I will give away my strength, my competence, my autonomy. If it is Your will, I will let You take them away.
But Lord, can't You take something else? Didn't You love me enough to give me these survival skills to begin with? Didn't You want me to be courageous? What more can I possibly learn? What more could I possibly have to prove to You? How could this possibly be the best thing?
It has been the best thing, but oh, it's been a long road. I fell in unrequited love with someone who valued softness, gentleness, and vulnerability. I lost my positions of prestige, and lost the honors and financial stability that comes with them. I moved away from all the people I'd come to think of as my family, off in that little college town.
Yet, I never had to give up me. Who I am is defined by my clearest moments -- not my easiest or hardest ones. It's the moments that I best know God that I best know who I am. I am His.
I still don't find it easy to ask for help. I still wish I had a job that used my talents and compensated me accordingly. I still fight to maintain control.
But God is teaching me to be better, and is preparing me for the great work He has in store for me. He's been guiding me all along -- first to be tough, now to be tender. And like Abraham, I can have all the birthright blessings, as joint-heir with Christ.
And it's going to be wonderful.
And yet, even after all that time, and all those rich lessons, God wasn't done with him yet. The one blessing in life that Abraham most cherished...a righteous desire...a gift that God had already given him, perhaps even a gift that Abraham had already earned. And God wanted him to give it back.
I've pondered the questions that Abraham might have asked at the time. Can't You take something else, Lord? Didn't You love me enough to give me Isaac to begin with? Didn't You want me to have posterity? What more can I possibly learn? What more could I possibly have to prove to You? How could this possibly be the best thing for us?
I prayerfully discovered what my "Isaac" is a few years ago. It's the person I'd become: independent, accomplished, tough. I turned to the Lord and told Him: if this is what You want, I will put myself on the altar. I will give away my strength, my competence, my autonomy. If it is Your will, I will let You take them away.
But Lord, can't You take something else? Didn't You love me enough to give me these survival skills to begin with? Didn't You want me to be courageous? What more can I possibly learn? What more could I possibly have to prove to You? How could this possibly be the best thing?
It has been the best thing, but oh, it's been a long road. I fell in unrequited love with someone who valued softness, gentleness, and vulnerability. I lost my positions of prestige, and lost the honors and financial stability that comes with them. I moved away from all the people I'd come to think of as my family, off in that little college town.
Yet, I never had to give up me. Who I am is defined by my clearest moments -- not my easiest or hardest ones. It's the moments that I best know God that I best know who I am. I am His.
I still don't find it easy to ask for help. I still wish I had a job that used my talents and compensated me accordingly. I still fight to maintain control.
But God is teaching me to be better, and is preparing me for the great work He has in store for me. He's been guiding me all along -- first to be tough, now to be tender. And like Abraham, I can have all the birthright blessings, as joint-heir with Christ.
And it's going to be wonderful.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
allowing others to serve
I am soaking in the goodness of this moment.
I am physically and mentally worn out, but my heart is at peace with the world.
I sit on my unmade bed, surrounded by a life slowly draining into cardboard boxes, and somehow, I know this is right. I know that God is present in my life.
About 2 months ago, the stake Relief Society presidency asked me to head the service project for Women's Day. Since then, we've been collecting children's and young adult books with the goal of sorting, stickering, and shuttling them to Book Harvest, which is a local organization that gives books to kids who wouldn't have access to them otherwise.
The task was so daunting...something I never in a million years could do by myself. But, as I'm realizing more and more lately, the Lord needs me to ask for help. Not just His help, but the help of others.
And this time, though it was a struggle, I did. And we collected 1573 books. And it was inspiring watching the sisters take the initiative and fill needs. I can provide those opportunities for people.
How amazing.
I am physically and mentally worn out, but my heart is at peace with the world.
I sit on my unmade bed, surrounded by a life slowly draining into cardboard boxes, and somehow, I know this is right. I know that God is present in my life.
About 2 months ago, the stake Relief Society presidency asked me to head the service project for Women's Day. Since then, we've been collecting children's and young adult books with the goal of sorting, stickering, and shuttling them to Book Harvest, which is a local organization that gives books to kids who wouldn't have access to them otherwise.
The task was so daunting...something I never in a million years could do by myself. But, as I'm realizing more and more lately, the Lord needs me to ask for help. Not just His help, but the help of others.
And this time, though it was a struggle, I did. And we collected 1573 books. And it was inspiring watching the sisters take the initiative and fill needs. I can provide those opportunities for people.
How amazing.
Monday, September 5, 2011
laying the foundation of a great work
I'm facing a big life change shortly. It's not that I'm making a decision, but rather that I've made a decision already, and the time to act on that decision is getting really close.
And I don't know how all this is going to turn out. Worst case scenario is that I will be completely broke, unemployed, and 2000 miles away from home.
I am so scared.
I am so scared.
I just keep reminding myself that if that's how it turned out, I would still have my God. He won't tell me to do something and then walk away and make me clean up the mess. He doesn't work like that.
Knowing that, I would still feel like I had done the right thing and still know that eventually, everything will turn out fine. It would try me in ways I can't fathom, and require some serious character building, but then again...isn't that just life?
Knowing that, I would still feel like I had done the right thing and still know that eventually, everything will turn out fine. It would try me in ways I can't fathom, and require some serious character building, but then again...isn't that just life?
I will have everything I require, and it will arrive at the Lord's hands. It might not happen quickly, but it will happen exactly on time. Until then, it is my business, my privilege, to do small things that will lay the foundation of a great work. If I am both willing and obedient, I will "eat the good of the land of Zion."
So here's me, loosening the petrified grip I have on my heart, bending my mind into willingness, and trusting (hoping!) that no, the Lord's ways are not my ways...
But His ways are certainly better.
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