Do you know the difference between giving your pain to God, and hiding from your pain in Him?
I'm not sure that I do.
Another friend voiced a concern today. She believes I'm only telling myself that I cheerfully accept all of this. "It's okay to be angry, Sara," she insisted. "It's okay to feel it's all unfair and that you should win once in a while."
But...I don't find being angry terribly useful. I simply have too much to do for that. I mean that in a "my schedule is full" kind of way, yes, but also in an "I am a daughter of God with purpose and responsibility" way, too. With all we have been given, and all we are expected to accomplish, who has time to be upset?
And yet, my grief is very real. It sits in the back of my chest, sticky and suffocating, and it waits. I don't know how to handle it without it adhering to everything I have worked so hard to acquire, without it smothering the joy that is the foundation of everything I know my life to be.
But shouldn't our foundation be Christ? Not the joy that He brings?
It's a close enough fit that we can go most of our lives worshiping the joy of the gospel without much trouble. After all, it's Christ that provides the joy. But what if He stopped? What if, one day, just when we thought we were doing everything right, the joy stopped coming? Wouldn't Jesus still be the Christ?
That is what I'm struggling with today. I absolutely know that Jesus Christ is my Savior; He died for my sins and makes the impossible possible. He is the Source of all of my dearest joy.
I'm just trying to figure out His role in the pain.