Tuesday, January 17, 2012


Do you know the difference between giving your pain to God, and hiding from your pain in Him?

I'm not sure that I do.

Another friend voiced a concern today. She believes I'm only telling myself that I cheerfully accept all of this. "It's okay to be angry, Sara," she insisted. "It's okay to feel it's all unfair and that you should win once in a while."

But...I don't find being angry terribly useful. I simply have too much to do for that. I mean that in a "my schedule is full" kind of way, yes, but also in an "I am a daughter of God with purpose and responsibility" way, too. With all we have been given, and all we are expected to accomplish, who has time to be upset?

And yet, my grief is very real. It sits in the back of my chest, sticky and suffocating, and it waits. I don't know how to handle it without it adhering to everything I have worked so hard to acquire, without it smothering the joy that is the foundation of everything I know my life to be.

But shouldn't our foundation be Christ? Not the joy that He brings?

It's a close enough fit that we can go most of our lives worshiping the joy of the gospel without much trouble. After all, it's Christ that provides the joy. But what if He stopped? What if, one day, just when we thought we were doing everything right, the joy stopped coming? Wouldn't Jesus still be the Christ?

That is what I'm struggling with today. I absolutely know that Jesus Christ is my Savior; He died for my sins and makes the impossible possible. He is the Source of all of my dearest joy.

I'm just trying to figure out His role in the pain.


  1. I've never really understood the "It's ok, Jesus understands exactly what you're going through!" thing. Usually it still sucks, whether he's been there or not.

  2. I think I've already told you this, but I love what one of my old bishop's wife taught us: sometimes all you can do when you are feeling intense pain is just to hold yourself tightly and love yourself. Give yourself a big hug and tell yourself that it's ok to feel sad. And then let it all out. Cry, mourn, feel sad for what you lost. Be angry. Let it out, and let that pain come out. And then, pick yourself up again, and just live your life. Not hiding that pain, but knowing that you addressed it, and recognizing that it's there.

    Sometimes I think that in order to prove my faith, that I always have to be brave -- that I can't and shouldn't feel the feelings that I feel -- that I can't cry -- but I don't think that is always right.

    It's ok to feel sorrow. Even Christ felt sorrow in his life -- and he was a perfect being. Who KNEW what the future held. It's ok to feel pain, or even anger. Sometimes suppressing it makes it worse. Yes, it's not good to let it define your life. No, it's not good to hate. But yes, it's perfectly fine to cry and let it all out. And then, you pick yourself up and do the best you can. You don't have to hide or suppress those feelings, you just can't let them rule you.

    Ok, I'm sure like none of that made sense, but I was just thinking to fast to make it logical. I remember the night I found out that my missionary cheating on me. I was devastated. Not only was I extremely angry to the point where I just wanted his life to be completely miserable, I was also so hurt and felt worthless and used. I promised myself that night, that no matter what it took, that I was going to forgive him. It took me a long, long time to learn how to let the atonement work in my life -- but I testify that it DOES work, and it will always work. But like anything, it takes a lot of patience and a lot of learning.

    Anyways, I hope that there was at LEAST a little something that was helpful in this slightly scatterbrained comment.

    YOU are amazing. YOU can do this. I have faith in you, and I know it will all work out ok. I know it!

  3. Well, feel free to come have a meltdown at my place Monday while we unpack. :)

  4. Katelyn, I think the thing for me right now is that I don't really know how much I've lost, exactly. We've never had the experience of just being friends, since we only knew each other for 4 days before we started dating. So I don't really know where we stand right now.

    And I still don't feel like I have anything to be mad at him about. He's doing his best. In a way, he's just as much a victim of this as I am. I just...hate that we're in this situation. :(

    "Sometimes I think that in order to prove my faith, that I always have to be brave -- that I can't and shouldn't feel the feelings that I feel -- that I can't cry -- but I don't think that is always right. "